J: I haven’t seen a soldier this threatened by an enormous squid since Beetle Bailey’s girlfriend made him try an Ika Maki roll at Benihana. And by Beetle Bailey’s girlfriend, I mean Sarge. I have to say, the female Commander Shepard in this trailer looks a little like a grown-up Pippi Longstocking. Which explains why the two newest companions in her squad are a spotted horse and a monkey named Mr. Nilsson. Don’t worry, the horse is a biotic and the monkey keeps Medi-gel packs under his comical straw hat.
Considering the fact that my main Commander Shepard looks like a scraggly jug-eared country singer, it wouldn’t hurt to have Waylon Jennings and Harry Nilsson as squadmates, either. Just Midnight Cowboy the shit out of those Reapers. Do you think Bioware will release “suede fringe jacket” N7 armor DLC for Commander Shepard?
E: Suede fringe jacket would be a huge upgrade to the crappy non-armor outfits in Mass Effect 2. You either had to look like a rejected Firefly crew member with a penchant for light bondage, or a Steven Seagal inspired “martial artist” who is actually just a lawncare guy that does karate twice a week but never fails to mention it in every conversation. This FemShep is so much better than that generic HeShep (ManShep? MascuShep?) they used for the Mass Effect 2 trailer and packaging.
I’m really excited about this game, adding multiplayer should be an awesome addition. The hardest part of Mass Effect 2 is deciding if I play, or my wife does. We tried a cooperative Shep that we both played on, but it almost ended our relationship. Fortunately, I got custody of our ShepSon, but she gets him every other weekend. Local co-op is going to bring a really cool dynamic to the game, but hopefully it doesn’t detract from the solo stuff for ForeverAloneSheps.
J: Is this where the phrase “beat you like a red-headed ShepChild” comes from? You know, I used to have a Taekwondo instructor named Shep. He had a mustache and a thick black mullet. He taught me to how to hold my leg properly when I did a side kick, knowledge that I promptly used to kick another kid in the balls. Speaking of mustaches, I just realized that none of the Mass Effect races have facial hair. How does the Batarian Jeff Foxworthy distinguish himself from the Batarian Larry the Cable Guy on the Blue Kestrel Armor Comedy Tour? The Batarian Larry the Cable Guy probably tears the arms off his Torso Sheath, I guess.
E: Surprisingly, the Mass Effect franchise has spawned a lot of commonly used phrases, as well as the wildly popular late 90’s TV show, Shep-By-Shep. So, as it turns out, the multiplayer mode in Mass Effect 3 does not support local co-op. That is a major disappointment, but BioWare hinted that post-launch DLC might change that. It didn’t deter me enough to cancel my Gamestop pre-order though. Despite hating Gamestop for everything it is and everything it hopes to be, they had the best pre-order DLC bonuses, so they got my money. My only sadness is that they don’t have the Collector’s Edition. I mean, I need that robot dog!
J: Incidentally, George Jetson’s dying words were “I need that robot dog!” Because in the future, doctors have been replaced by robot dogs. Bark once for aspirin, bark twice for heart surgery. And those are your options for medical attention in the future. Also, the robot dogs perform eulogies, which comes in handy. Come to think of it, they probably shouldn’t have let the Robot Dog Funeral Home Corporations privatize the health care industry.
Anyway, I look forward to multiplayer mode in Mass Effect 3, because if there’s one thing my favorite single-player science fiction video game storyline needs, it’s a way for strangers to insert their own dumb personalities into it. That’s usually how classics in any genre are improved, right? Letting idiots off the street put their two cents in? On the other hand, maybe I shouldn’t rush to pass judgement before I’ve played it. I should probably give it a chance and take things one Shep at a time. You’ll probably want to bark once after reading that joke. Or twice. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor!