Colin Firth has a stuttering problem! Helena Bonham Carter has wavy hair and a doll’s face. And she’s married to the prince! Good thing nobody in the palace collects dolls, or they’d be like, “Helena Bonham Carter get back in my antique doll case!” Maybe that’s why she joins Voldemort later and tries to kill Harry Potter, everybody’s always trying to put her in a big dollhouse.
Geoffrey Rush is a speech therapist at the bottom of a creaky old elevator, with fancy furniture and water damaged walls all over the place. But he has a teapot, so there’s always tea for him to keep a stiff upper lip about. Colin Firth is going to be the king soon because his father Dumbledore the king is dying and his brother the other prince is about to marry a common street whore. Actually, she’s a twice divorced woman, but in England as far as the royal family is concerned, they might as well be the same thing.
British people have giant radios now, so Colin Firth needs to get his act together or GTFO. Geoffrey Rush gets to treat him like a regular guy instead of like a king, which means he gets to boss him around. Then the Nazis attack and the British people are like, “If someone doesn’t get on our enormous radios right now and tell us to keep calm and carry on, then we are going to spontaneously combust and all our chimney sweeps will have to come sweep up the ashes and soot.”
The royal priest hates Geoffrey Rush because Rush is trolling the entire royal family due to the fact that he has no credentials. One time this lady I worked with kicked a kid selling candy out of the office because she thought he was casing the office to burglarize later. I said she shouldn’t be mean to a kid and her eyes bulged out and her face went red and she yelled, “THAT KID HAD NO CREDENTIALS!”
Anyway, Colin Firth makes a speech and gets to wear a very, very, very fancy coat. Geoffrey Rush gets to be friends with him and not get beheaded. Helena Bonham Carter is purchased by an old woman on Ebay and placed in an antique wooden cabinet next to a rare American Girl doll dressed like an extra from Little House on the Prairie.