The Strength Of Seven Harry Connick Jrs.: A Review Of “Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes”
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The Strength Of Seven Harry Connick Jrs.: A Review Of “Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes”

James Franco steals a super-smart baby chimp from his lab! He takes the chimp out to a state park for the first time and the chimp holds his hand out and looks down. James Franco takes this to mean the chimp is taking a submissive pose and asking for permission to climb the trees, but actually it is customary to tip your monkey when you bring him to the woods for the first time.

There’s a scene in Rise of the Planet of the Apes where James Franco takes his baby chimp into a steamy shower to make him feel more comfortable. So ladies, you might want to consider disguising yourselves as uncomfortable baby chimps if you want to trick James Franco into taking a steamy shower with you. Then again, I’m not sure how sexy it is to have a lady jump out of a baby chimp suit while you’re in the shower together.

At one point in the movie, James Franco is giving a presentation on projected stock earnings when a chimp escapes and smashes through his charts and graphs. Coincidentally, I use an ape jumping through stock market predictions to do all my financial planning for the year.

John Lithgow plays James Franco’s father, who is suffering from Alzheimer’s. James Franco injects him with a virus he created that makes monkeys smarter. The next thing you know, John Lithgow is playing the piano with the skill of seven Harry Connick Jrs. He also has the strength of seven Harry Connick Jrs., which is the same as the regular old man strength he had before.

James Franco’s chimp has to go to monkey jail because he bites off a man’s finger. If this is what happens to James Franco’s super-intelligent ape, I’d hate to see what his apes of average intelligence go to jail for. Probably secretly filming women’s feet at Target and uploading the videos on the internet.  Anyway, Franco’s chimp becomes king of the apes in monkey jail by giving the other chimps free cookies. This is also how you become king of a high school auditorium full of people who just gave blood.

James Franco’s chimp leads the apes in a monkey uprising against the humans. Not only do these monkeys rise up to defeat their oppressors, but they also shine on the field of battle. And it is these monkeyshines that will one day lead to an entire planet of the apes.  The ape rebellion breaks in to James Franco’s lab and when his boss arrives at the office, he is surrounded by monkeys, inspiring several one-panel Far Side rip-off newspaper cartoons.

The apes have a final showdown on an enormous steel bridge against a battalion of police officers. The apes are able to gain a tactical advantage against the police by climbing to the top of the bridge, which is also an excellent vantage point from which to throw barrels and fireballs down at any local plumbers who might intervene. A gorilla leaps onto a helicopter, causing it to crash. He is later revealed to be a man in a gorilla costume who was late to a fancy costume party and wanted a ride.

James Franco tries to convince his chimp to come back home, but the chimp tells him that his home is with the other apes in the forest. James Franco is like, “Fine, enjoy your filthy monkey house out in the dirty woods. I’ll just go home to my beautiful wife and comfortable furniture and indoor plumbing.” The movie ends with the human-killing virus that James Franco created spreading around the globe. Also spreading around the globe as a result of Jame Franco’s body of work: women in baby chimp costumes. Planet of the Apes!