Okay, here is my review of The Town. Ben Affleck’s impossibly handsome face robs some banks and Jon Hamm’s impossibly handsome face tries to stop him. An impossibly beautiful bank manager gets caught up in the whole bank robbing business. Oh noo I’m so beautiful, but you rob banks! How will it ever work, Ben Affleck?
Ben Affleck’s bank robbing buddies get shot in their ugly faces because they aren’t as good looking. Ben Affleck moves to Florida and wears linen pants. Or maybe those were cargo pants. I haven’t been to Florida in years. One time I ran out in front of eight lanes of traffic as a kid because I was scared of cars and figured I could beat them to the sidewalk. Stupid kid, trying to outrun cars. Wouldn’t it have been cool though if I had been hit by a car and then the car crumpled around me and that’s how I found out I was super strong and invincible? “Oh, man this kid is like a pillar of steel,” the unharmed motorist would say in amazement. But then I’d just go swim in the ocean like it was no big deal.
Then Jon Hamm is like, “GRRR you got away, Ben Affleck!” I was rooting for Jon Hamm the whole time. Why should Ben Affleck get away with robbing banks? He is COMMITTING CRIME, people. I’m going to start wearing a Ben Affleck mask and shoplifting. It’s cool, officer, I am sooooooo handsome. And then at the end he writes a letter to his girlfriend that says, here’s a bunch of money and use it for the children and hockey and stuff. Wait, wait, wait. That is not how you atone for crime. Hockey isn’t that great anyway- sorry Canadians!