Wow, Thor just hit that giant in the face with his magic hammer and turned him into a pile of rocks.
I had a run-in of my own with a giant last weekend, at the Zaxby’s near my house. I’ve been trying to eat at this particular Zaxby’s as much as I can before it becomes Poncified. Poncification is the process in which the baked-into-the-pavement entropy on Atlanta’s Ponce de Leon Avenue mixes with the Skid-Rowvian desperation in the air and seeps into nearby businesses and homes.
Here are just a few examples of Poncification I’ve witnessed in the five years I’ve lived on Ponce:
- The lady who went to the bathroom in her pants at a Ponce gas station, then walked around the pumps asking for change.
- The red-goateed “Evil Spock” doppelgänger of a friend of mine who was spotted getting head from a hooker behind a dumpster on Ponce. Which is just what Star Trek’s goateed “Evil Spock” would have done, if there’d been any Ponce de Leon quadrants in space, or if he could’ve figured out how to beam his Vulcan dick into a dumpster threesome. Incidentally, can you beam just your dick around to different places in the Star Trek universe? Seems like a recipe for some surprise intrusions on the holodeck. More like, “Holla, dick!”
- The time I went to the brand new IHOP on Ponce a week after it opened, and it already felt like it’d been open for fifty years. The walls and ceiling had already taken on a dingy pallor, and the employees served my pancakes with a surliness unbecoming an international house of pancakes. Then again, I also recently went to a restaurant in Atlanta that had a NY Times quote in the menu calling their pancakes “the best pancakes in America,” but the waiter wouldn’t refill my coffee for half an hour, and when we asked him to split the check he just shrugged and said we were free to “sort it out,” essentially beaming his tattooed hipster waiter dick right in the middle of my pancake holodeck fantasy, so maybe nobody in Atlanta is honoring pancakes the way they should be. Guess I should save that kind of talk for Yelp. Where’s the button on Yelp for “doesn’t honor pancakes?”
And, of course, the aforementioned giant at the same Zaxby’s, who was looking up at the ceiling and yelling, “ATLiens!” in front of a girl who looked no older than eleven with a pack of Newports sticking out of her back pocket.
Actually, he wasn’t really a giant, just a big chubby dude who was being a giant pain-in-the-ass, and being weirdly friendly to everybody, like a shittier version of Roald Dahl’s “Big Friendly Giant,” who Thor would probably not hit in the face with a hammer and turn into a pile of rocks, but who knows, maybe it’s open season on giants in Asgard, which seems to be under the threat of it’s own Poncification.
Is that what’s going on in Thor’s neck of the woods? Is Asgard just a new Zaxby’s on the way to becoming a shitty IHOP?
At first I thought the ATLiens guy was with the group of people in front of him, like maybe he was yelling a response to a question, for example, “What’s the most insulting thing that McDonald’s could try to co-opt about Atlanta culture to use for its late night ‘Dine After Dark’ ad campaign?” Seriously, have you seen these ads around town? McDonald’s is really teleporting their coffee-flavored dick right into the middle of Outkast’s holodeck Player’s Ball.
Photo: Rodney Carmichael (Creative Loafing)
Sorry to use the same analogy two times in a row, but I’m trying to make it a thing. Maybe one day I’ll see an ad for how McDonald’s can now teleport its dick into the holodeck of your tastebuds after dark, and I’ll realize that the snake has finally eaten its own tail, and said tail is available at McDonald’s, after dark, hashtag #atliens.
Anyway, I realized that ATLiens dude was talking only to himself, and everyone else in line was trying to ignore him. He was also waving a stack of twenty dollar bills around, though my girlfriend pointed out later that it was probably just a stack of ones with a single twenty facing out. She doesn’t know, though—maybe he’s the guy that came up with the McDonald’s campaign, and the reason he was yelling, “ATLiens!” was because he’s doing some guerrilla marketing in Zaxby’s.
Probably not, though. When it was time for him to order his chicken, he suddenly turned around and asked a group of guys behind him, “Hey, how do y’all get sports scores on the iPhone?” An ad executive would know how to get sports scores on his iPhone, right?
A friend of mine who was waiting in line with me grabbed his shoulder and gently turned him back to face the cash register. ATLiens guy looked confused and a little hurt, as if to say, “I was this close to cracking the case of the elusive iPhone sports scores.” Encyclopedia Brown would probably give you the same look if you wanted him to place a chicken order instead of solving a mystery. Come to think of it, Encyclopedia Brown should yell, “ATLiens!” more often.
ATLien also tried to steal my friend’s water from a Zaxby’s cashier, who snatched it away from him (I guess the Poncification hasn’t reached the point of lawlessness yet where anyone’s beverage is fair game), so he just looked at my friend and said, “A cool drink of water sure would be nice about now.” For a man waving around a fat stack of (admittedly unknown denominations of) cash, he sure seemed to have a hard time getting his hands on one of our nation’s most readily-available resources. He probably just didn’t want to go through the line again.
The last thing I heard him say as I was leaving was, “Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry!” to a girl he’d been bugging about where she got her shoes.
I guess not every troublemaking giant can be hit in the face with a magic hammer and turned into stones. Hell, that giant Thor was fighting might have just been headed to a nearby Zaxby’s for a cool drink of water, or to get sports scores. Not everybody has an iPhone like your girlfriend Natalie Portman, Thor.
Sometimes I wonder if the fact that I’ve lived on Ponce for so long has Poncified me. Sometimes, I just have to ask myself, “Am I honoring pancakes?”Maybe a good barometer is if I ever start trying to steal water, or if I find myself growing a goatee and getting blown behind a dumpster. At least now I know the McDonald’s dumpster will be available after dark.
In theaters November 8.