Make America Grimace Again: A Review of Trump’s McDonald’s Commercial

Make America Grimace Again: A Review of Trump’s McDonald’s Commercial

In which Jason Mallory and Chris Alonzo review Donald Trump’s McDonald’s Commercial from 2002

JASON

That’s right, Chris—future President Donald Trump is holding a private meeting with McDonaldland’s arguably dumbest resident Grimace in his office at the top of Trump Tower. He seems to think that Grimace is responsible for McDonald’s pricing and business strategy?!

My theory is Trump is having a very vivid hallucination.

“I don’t know how you do it,” Trump says to his empty office, “I’ve put together some really impressive deals, but this thing you’ve pulled off—it’s amazing. A Big N’ Tasty for just a dollar? How do you do it? What’s your secret?”

Then Trump grabs a Big N’ Tasty burger by its pussy, his tiny hands struggling to grasp the bun.

But Grimace says nothing, only blinks. Grimace never says anything, Chris. Because he lives in Donald Trump’s prefrontal cortex, and also yes, McDonaldland—where I reiterate that he is hands down the least intelligent member of the community. He’s the Betsy DeVos of McDonaldland!

Years go by, and Trump never learns the secret of how Grimace can afford to sell Big N’ Tasty burgers for only a dollar. Trump knows his own deals pale in comparison to this accomplishment.

How does Grimace do it, Chris? The Big N’ Tasty burger has long been discontinued, but Grimace continues to appear just at the periphery of Trump’s vision. The not knowing is what eats at Trump. How did he do it?

At the inauguration, Trump looks out and sees Grimace in the front row—a blob of purple in a red sea of MAGA hats. He is selling Big N’ Tasty burgers to everyone for a dollar. Trump scowls and says, “From this moment on, it’s going to be America First.”

Grimace blinks.

Weeks later, Trump leads a National Security Council meeting, his eyes fixed on an empty space just behind Steve Bannon’s cargo shorts. “How do we do it, Grimace? What’s the secret? How do we ban all Muslims from the country?”

“What did you say, sir?” Bannon asks, sipping from his “liberal tears” mug. “Never mind,” says Trump, “we’re going to build a wall and we’re going to make McDonald’s pay for it”

Aaaand scene! What do you think of my one-act play, Chris?!

CHRIS

Look, man: I’m gonna give it to you straight, as someone who was already stupid enough to create a one act play about Donald Trump: we wrote it in December/January as a cautionary tale about what could happen in the Trump presidency. We made the events in it outlandish-though-fairly-realistic, thinking we were exaggerating. It’s been, as of this writing, like three weeks and goddamn if he hasn’t already enacted ¾’s the things we wrote about in our “satire.”

If you’re gonna write a one act play about Trump you gotta throw more Hail Marys, and even those might not be enough.

What I’m trying to say here is that you’re on the right path, but I will go further and say that I 100% believe that Donald Trump thinks Steve Bannon is Grimace.

There’s no other credible explanation! How else, in the Sane and Rational World, does a fucking Seinfeld financier who ran a dumb website get a literal seat at the table of the National Security Council? It doesn’t make any sense whatsoever until you view things through The Grimace Principle. Donald Trump is haunted by many things – a fear he is unloved, a yearning for acceptance among the elite, the adulation of the commoner – but primarily he is haunted by a giant purple food monster who outperformed him in the market. And his addled mind actually believes that purple food monster is sitting across from him, farting Hot Pockets and cursing Muslims.

Fucking, Steve Bannon doesn’t even have to shave to go to work. Why do you think that is? POWER.

Now, as someone with my own struggles with mental illness, I’m generally not a fan of the long-distance diagnosis thing. It’s gross and it diminishes the importance of professional mental health services. But, even with that being said, I’m totally comfortable with saying that Donald Trump thinks Steve Bannon is Grimace and is afraid that Grimace can kill with his mind.

Of course Grimace can kill with his mind. Look at this shit. What sane, self-respecting person worth more than $45 debases themselves in this way, unless they’re afraid the purple monster’s smile will drop, and his eyes will tense up, and in an instant all that will be left is pink vapor and an enormous tie?

LOOK AT THE COLOR OF THE TIE, JASON. Look at that ass-kisser. “When it comes to great steaks, I just raised the stakes! Is that good enough, Lord Grimace? Will you please lower your gaze? I am humiliated beyond repair.” And now this psychotic bastard thinks Grimace has an office in the West Wing, his ear to the ground. Terrifying.

Really it’s not an if, it’s a when: at some point, somehow, he’s going to look at a picture of Grimace and call it Steve. Then the jig is up. We just need to figure out how to get a picture of Grimace in front of his diseased, fat face.

JASON

Can I just say, Chris, that as I type this Trump’s Russia problem got a whole lot more complicated? Who knows what will have developed by the time this gets published but for the moment Michael Flynn just resigned and the heat about the Donald’s Putin connections is turning up on Trump like a flame-broiled patty with a big orange slice of cheese on top and Russian dressing.

Chris, What did Grimace know and when did he know it?! I mean, sure, he wore the MAGA hat (Make America Grimace Again), and he says he loves America but I bet if you cut Grimace open he’d have several smaller Grimaces inside of him like a big purple Russian nesting doll until you got to a little Soviet Fry Guy in the middle chowing down on a bunch of borscht.

I guess what I’m saying is, Chris, is that Grimace has a bad case of “nesting bitch face” and we gotta march to Washington, find a guy in a Grimace costume, yank down the zipper in that purple fursuit, and get to the bottom of Trump’s ties to Russia and maybe even solve #pizzagate while we’re at it!!

CHRIS

We ABSOLUTELY need to do this! Things are moving too quickly, the country breaking apart too horrifically, for us to wait. Fuck – in the time it takes for us to publish this WHO EVEN KNOWS what’s going to be happening? Flynn’s out, Puzder’s out. New revelations coming out every single night from the Post, the Times and CNN with the entire intelligence community waging a shadow war against the White House. And with them on the defensive, think about what we get:

With each new opening in the administration, each new seat to fill as another disgraced bonehead packs his shit and leaves town, we get the next layer of Nesting Bitch Face Grimace – a tinier Grimace that still manipulates President Trump beyond all sense of reason and hope, and then he’s just distracted every which fucking way he looks. It’ll be pandemonium.

How the fuck do you think we got that hairless, crooked dong Stephen Miller on all the shows this past weekend? The hinge on Grimace’s butthole creaked open, out popped Stephen Miller, and VOILA: “The powers of the president to protect our country are very substantial and will not be questioned.” Get fucked, you sub-anal Grimace spawn!

We have to fight Grimace, all of them. Every Grimace you see. For the good of the nation. Yes, to set a poor, delirious man free from his purple nightmares as they spawn before him. But also, y’know, to protect the real heroes here: us. All of us who will suffer from the reckless, idiotic bullshit that will come from this administration. I’ll be goddamned if one of these purple night beasts is what gets me thrown in the back of an I.C.E. van, I tell you what. Robble Robble Resist, motherfucker!!!

JASON

:: chuckles nervously ::

Haha, Chris NO! Grimace is a fictional character with no known butthole, and is certainly not spawning members of Trump’s administration from deep inside his purple bowels, Chris.

:: takes a bite of a Big N’ Tasty burger, really savoring it ::

I see no need to investigate this matter further—though I do have one question for you.

:: staring at something or someone just behind your head ::

I’ve put together some really impressive deals, but this thing you’ve pulled off—it’s amazing. A Big N’ Tasty for just a dollar?

How do you do it?

What’s your secret?

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