Trying To Snapchat A Possum Is How Nick Fury Lost An Eye In The First Place: Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Trying To Snapchat A Possum Is How Nick Fury Lost An Eye In The First Place: Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

In which Jason and Laura Relyea review the trailer for Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D..

JASON

Looks like Agent Coulson from The Avengers was playing possum this whole time! I don’t blame him, though. It’s probably fun to fake your own funeral. Hell, it’s probably fun just being a possum.

Last week I found a possum behind my apartment complex when I was walking my dog. We all froze at the same time and looked at each other. The possum didn’t even have the common courtesy to perceive me as a threat and play dead.

Then again, maybe I’m the one who should have played dead for his benefit. Possums would probably appreciate it now and again if somebody else would pretend to die for a change.

“Oh, shit,” I thought. “I gotta Instagram this possum!”

Unfortunately, I didn’t have my phone on me, so instead I went back to my apartment and tweeted, “Possum funeral home goes out of business after fiftieth possum yells, ‘gotcha, bitch!’ and jumps out of casket.”

It only got one retweet, so I guess my Twitter followers were the ones doing me the courtesy of playing dead.

Cut to brunch this morning, and my friend tells me a story about how his dog treed a different possum the other night outside of his condo. The possum didn’t even seem scared of my friend or his dog, he just sat up in a branch folding his little paws over each other like he was posing for a goddamn glamour shot or something.

Is there some kind of photogenic, social-media-ready possum resurgence in Atlanta, Laura? They’re all ready to be Instagrammed! (Or Vined, if that’s your thing. Snapchatted? Can you snapchat a possum? On second thought, stop sexting possums.)

Maybe that’s what S.H.I.E.L.D. needs to be monitoring instead of superheroes—all these good-looking possums who are ready to pose for us.

LAURA

You bring up a good point here Jason. That point being: Is there such a thing as a good-looking opossum? A quick google image search leads me to think, “No.” Actually, all of my knowledge of opossums leads me to think “No.”

Also, opossums are kind of a sensitive subject for me. I’ve only ever killed two living things* in my life Jason. The first was an opossum. I hit it with a car on Sharon Rd. in Newburgh, Indiana, the street that my parent’s home faces. That’s right where the li’l guy passed, only a couple hundred yards away from my bedroom window. I had to drive-by and over his remains for weeks. Every time I went to school. Every time I came home. Every time I went to the mall. It was dismal.

Also, please take note that this was an INDIANA opossum. Not an ATLANTA opossum, meaning: 1. This opossum was corn-fed 2. Its water supply was undoubtedly compromised by chemicals dumped in the Ohio River. Do you see what I’m getting at, Jason? I didn’t just hit a possum, I hit an R.O.U.S. (Rodent of Unusual Size) with my tiny, silver 2001 Honda Civic. It could have killed me! WHERE WAS THE S.H.I.E.L.D.  SQUAD THEN JASON? WHERE WERE THEY IN MY TIME OF NEED?

JASON

Sounds like a classic case of being haunted by a Tell-Tale Opossum. Hell, this is exactly the kind of story Edgar Allen Poe would have written, if he’d been a possum. If he was able to work a typewriter with his little possum claws, that is. Sorry Edgar Allen Possum—you’ll probably never publish The Fall of the House of Usher.

Unless somebody develops a keyboard app that possums can use and goes around handing out iPads to possums, I guess. Kind of a million-monkeys-with-a-million-typewriters situation. One of them is bound to at least produce the complete works of Jeff Foxworthy.

Also, I don’t mean to suggest you’re naive, but is it possible you got swindled by a possum who’s very committed to his craft? He might be putting his feet up right now, having himself a good laugh at your expense.

Pretty unlikely, though. Possums don’t have the dexterity to manipulate special effects makeup or green screens for digital effects. Damn these clumsy possum fingers!

Speaking of getting nearly tricked by the dead, a couple of weeks ago I had a dream that a pretty woman was trying to get me to hook up with her, and when I told her I had a girlfriend she said, “Don’t worry, she’ll never find us here, this is the Land of the Dead.”

Is the Land of the Dead some kind of no-tell motel these days? Are cheaters using it as an Ashley Madison of the spirit realm? I guess this explains the “meet sexy singles in your area” ads in the Handbook for the Recently Deceased and Tobin’s Spirit Guide.

Keep an eye on your boyfriends, ladies—slutty ghosts might be trying to steal them from the afterlife!

Damn, it’s hard enough keeping living women off your man, now y’all got to worry about incorporeal home wreckers, too?! This is why Ms. Pac-Man chased all those ghosts around that maze, they were trying to get with Pac-Man in his sleep!

I’m assuming this woman was a ghost, she might have been a sleeping person like me who also found her way into the Land of the Dead and was like, “whatever happens in the Land of the Dead stays in the Land of the Dead.” Either way, she was down with O.P.P.

This is why the living aren’t allowed across the river Styx, because we’d treat it like Spring Break at Lake Havasu. By the way, I kept it in my pants. Sorry, dead/maybe-not-dead lady, I’m not risking ghost herpes just because your ratchet ass found a private room on the set of What Dreams May Come.

This is what the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. need to be keeping an eye on—thirsty bitches from beyond the grave.

LAURA

Wait, are you a dead possum? Oh. my. God. Are you a method acting possum in a man-suit who faked his death on a road outside my house eleven years ago?!

How do I summon the S.H.I.E.L.D. squad to come and capture you/rescue me? Do I call 9-1-1? Is there a summoning beacon of a light I’m supposed to turn on? The trailer doesn’t really make it clear. Dammit, do I have to watch the whole show just to save myself?

This is really a hellish scenario.

JASON

That’s a call I’d like to hear. “Hello, 911? I think a possum I killed years ago is actually just a really good actor, and wants me to review movie trailers with him. Could you send the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. over? You know, from the comics, and the upcoming television series that I definitely don’t want to watch all the episodes of?”

Laura, there’s three things you should know about me:

  1. I don’t cheat on my girlfriend in dreams.
  2. My twitter followers are jerks.
  3. I am not a possum in disguise.

LAURA

Okay, shew. I mean, I’m sure you can understand my nervousness and suspicion. Just look at the way you perch on things, and hang upside down off of things, and wring your hands around things. It’s just … well… let’s just say you’re a rare breed.

*The second was an Eastern Grey Squirrel, just this past February. I had to pull over to the side of the road and cry for at least 20 minutes before moving on. The IPSC team barely forgave me when they found out.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. premieres Tuesday, September 24th at 8:00 Eastern/7:00 Central on ABC.

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