Close your eyes. I’m going to take you on an imaginary journey through a bizarre and troubling scenario, and I think you’ll want to conjure the vividest image possible. So, close your eyes, please, and we’ll set the scene.
Are they closed? Really? I know you’re reading this. Unless you’ve got translucent eyelids, which would be freaky as fuck, your eyes are clearly not closed.
Seriously? You know what, fuck it. Just fuck me right in the ass for trying to do something nice and take you on a vivid, magical mind-journey. I don’t even care. Keep your dumb-ass eyes open.
Now. Try to imagine the following:
You stand on a hilltop overlooking the smoldering ruins of a once-bucolic township in Maine.
For several months, the entire town has been entombed by a vast, semi-permeable, dome-like barrier of mysterious origin.
The sunlight seems to hang in the air — the UV rays diffract, shatter, and reflect through a soup of toxins that increasingly sullies the atmosphere under the dome. The day has been stripped of its typical progression and instead a stark day/night dichotomy has taken over, consisting of only two luminous intensities: perpetual orange dusk and unforgiving darkness.
With no way in or out, your fellow inhabitants have turned on and destroyed one another—as the inhabitants of tediously contrived parables tend to do. Buildings burn. Supplies run low. Society has cannibalized itself. The dome is a mirror held up to humanity. We gaze upon it; a violent, dead-eyed animal peers back.
Here’s the worst part. Those “toxins” that are choking the atmosphere and trapping the light? Yeah, those are mostly farts.
The average person farts, like, at least 11 times a day. That same person, exposed to great stress (say, being trapped inside a giant invisible dome), farts more than twice as much. Multiply that by the population of a town, and then contain it all in a semi-permeable dome for 90 days. Now you’re swimming in stress farts.
Such is the premise of Under the Dome, a CBS miniseries based on a book by Stephen King based on The Simpsons Movie based on a documentary about Detroit. [Ed note: Did I miss anything? I had my eyes closed.]