V/H/S/2: People Will Still Follow You Anywhere If You Know How To Play The Flute

V/H/S/2: People Will Still Follow You Anywhere If You Know How To Play The Flute

Back in the 90’s, an acquaintance of mine started dating an older woman, and she made him get rid of his cardboard box full of unlabeled VHS porn movies. I guess she didn’t want any smutty tapes ruining her May-December romance. Although, if she’d really wanted them out of his life for good, she’d have waved a magnet over the box and erased them.

I wonder if that guy and his older lady friend are still together. Must be hard for her to keep the porn out of their relationship these days, what with the internet and all. Can’t hold a magnet over that. And you can’t kick the internet out in a cardboard box. It is the cardboard box. In fact, those poorly dubbed X-rated films with bad tracking may have been the seed from which the mighty oak of internet porn grew.

One of the movies in the box was a porn from the 70’s called Thoroughly Amorous Amy. It was about a woman named Amy, who jogs through the city, picking up strange men and leading them back to her house for an orgy, like a slutty, detail-oriented Pied Piper.

Even a hobo joins the marathon, as I recall. I guess life on Skid Row hadn’t damaged his health enough to keep him from running a few miles to have sex with a beautiful stranger. You don’t often hear the internal monologue of characters in porn movies, but he was probably thinking, “Feet, don’t fail me now!”

Just the other day I was walking to my office in my suit and tie, and an old hobo sitting on the ground next to his crutches looked up at me and said, “You’re doing the 9 to 5 thing, and I’m just sittin’ right here.”

He didn’t say what series of events led him to be sitting right there. Maybe he’d broken his leg chasing a horny woman down the street 30 years ago, and decided to stay where he was.

I should have asked him, “Is that you, hobo from Thoroughly Amorous Amy?”

Amy is due to take another jog around the city to pick up stragglers, from the looks of things. Isn’t that what being throughly amorous is all about? I’m not sure her lovemaking was comprehensive enough the first time around to earn her the title.

Anyway, looks like the haunted tapes in V/H/S/2 could stand to get magnetized. Who knows which one of them is the seed from which the mighty oak of horror grows? If only they’d threatened an older woman’s love affair with a young pornhound, we wouldn’t be having this problem.

In theaters July 12.

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