Labyrinth: David Bowie Will Also Perform A Breast Reduction If You Give Him A Goblin To Turn Back Into A Baby

Labyrinth: David Bowie Will Also Perform A Breast Reduction If You Give Him A Goblin To Turn Back Into A Baby

There comes a time in every girl’s life when she’s approached by David Bowie to take an unchaperoned trip through a dry hell full of weird men and magic. [Ed note: To be fair, David Bowie took Mick Jagger on the same trip.] Supposedly this journey leads you through the conclusion of puberty into adulthood, or whatever. I remember the first time the Androgynous One came to offer me his crystal globes. I snorted milk through my nose and behaved like my generally unbearable self. And that’s the story of why Kat Greene doesn’t have boobs! [Ed note: Is that the trade-off? He gets to turn a baby into a goblin and the girl gets boobs? Shame on you, Jennifer Connelly.]

Do you remember the first time you saw this movie? I was ten years old, in my friend’s trailer, drinking grape Kool-Aid slushies with TLC’s CrazySexyCool album on in the background. We talked over the whole thing. I have no idea what happens in this movie. It looks like David Bowie traps a young girl in her pajamas in a maze full of rapey demons? [Ed note: Hoggle would never touch you inappropriately. He will touch himself inappropriately, though. Hoggle ain’t no one’s friend. Hoggle is Hoggle’s friend!] And David Bowie does parkour? I just want him to put on glittery tight pants and sing.

I really don’t get movies about children overcoming the odds and succeeding against adults who are criminally abusive to them. There’s something special about Special Child, the adult sees this and uses it to his or her own advantage, and somehow cheats Special Child out of the rewards of said specialness. Then the Special Child, through a series of unlikely pranks, defeats the adult.

Kids versus adults? My money’s on the grown-ups every time. They’re like America: resource-rich and ruthless as fuck. [Ed note: Yessss. Take that, dumb kids.] Oh, what? You’re sad that David Bowie isn’t really going to place the moon within your heart, like he promised in that song? Welcome to the real world, kid. That giant furry animal you’re keeping as a pet is probably going to eat you someday.

In theaters June 27, 1986.