Byzantium: When I Hit On Girls At The Bar, I Pretend To Be “The Lincoln Lawyer”

Byzantium: When I Hit On Girls At The Bar, I Pretend To Be “The Lincoln Lawyer”

Has the FDA approved a drug that turns the general population into “Paranormal Teen Romance” obsessed moviegoers? Honestly, I wish it was a fucking drug that caused this hysteria, because it seems like people are still obsessed with werewolves and vampires fucking without any good goddamn reason. [Ed note: What if a genie reads this and grants your wish?! Man, I hope nobody’s holding a monkey’s paw and reading your review out loud. Nobody grant Johnny’s wish, especially not in Robin Williams’ voice!]

I’m confused as to why all of these movies are also coming-of-age stories. These motherfuckers are centuries old, but because they look 16, we’re supposed to believe that they haven’t actually matured passed the 11th grade. It actually reminds me of Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused. 

“That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.”

It actually seems like late 20’s to early 30’s males are obsessed with banging High School girls, just like McConaughey’s character and the vampires in this new genre of Para-Rom movies. And why shouldn’t they strive for this post in life? McConaughey is a good looking guy and vampires live forever. Isn’t that every bar-hopping frat boy’s one desire in life? To look good and get em’ young?! [Ed note: You know what porn that advertises itself as “Barely Legal” needs? A judge in the background with his arms crossed, just shaking his head. He can’t believe these hot teens are getting away with this, but the law is the law. When are we going to start emphasizing the judicial side of barely legal porn?]

It’s unfortunate, but without fail, every time another girl has her 21st birthday party at the local dive bar, the Matthew McConaughey Dazed and Confused persona rises up in some beer-fueled red-blooded horny male at the bar and the famous quote always comes spewing out of his mouth “I get older, they stay the same age.” What’s even creepier, is from time to time, I catch myself finishing the sentence. [Ed note: The FDA should approve a pill that suppresses chronic McConaugheyism in men. You get younger, and they stay the same age. Until you’re a baby,I guess? Looks like Benjamin Button is the anti-McConaughey. Genies take note—I am not wishing for a magic Benjamin Button pill. I am wishing for mandatory judges in all pornographic films featuring teens.]

At the end of the day, or I guess night, it’s not really that creepy because it never really goes anywhere anyway. I mean, have you ever tried having a conversation with a 21 year old girl? All they want to talk about is fucking teen vampire movies. [Ed Note: and Macklemore.]

Released in theaters April 25, 2013