X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Wolverine and his brother Sabretooth get born in the olden days. Lil’ Wolverine can regenerate and push claws out of his knuckles. His brother can grow filthy ass fingernails at will. Wolverine kills his real dad by accident. A montage ensues! Cigars get chomped on. Even better, they’re the cigars of WAR.

Now the brothers are on a team of mercenaries with Ryan Reynolds and his amazing swords. And a gymnastically inclined fellow who can shoot guns while doing flips. Pshaw. I could strap a revolver to a dolphin and get the same result. You picked the wrong SeaWorld to fuck with, son. One time I fed a dolphin some fish at Six Flags. He never hooked me up with any people food, though. What do I look like, a dolphin waiter?

Oh, guess who else is on the team— teleporting ass Will.i.am in a cowboy hat. Only problem is, every time he disappears, he keeps coming back and reappearing again. Wolverine’s old boss Colonel Stryker says let me put metal on your claws, okay? Then he recites a poem:

Let me put metal on your claws/let me get in your drawers/ Wolverine let me hold your paws

Wolverine gets adamantium bones, which is better than the experiments they did on Don Draper where they gave him Mad-Men-tium bones. Just makes him drink and smoke a lot. Next thing you know, Wolverine is all “Schkkk” and “Flckk” with the claws. Wait I forgot what happens next.

Oh yeah his girlfriend gets murdered in the woods because he’s a lumberjack but they found him, I don’t know how but they found him RUN FOR IT MARTY! Ryan Reynolds gets turned into Deadpool, a villain with all the powers of the other mutants.

SPOILER ALERT

So the brothers team up to fight him on a nuclear reactor. Oh right— Wolverine’s girlfriend was never dead. She was a skin hypnotist. One touch and you don’t know whether you’re coming or going. I guess Wolverine was mostly coming.

Colonel Stryker kills his girlfriend and shoots Wolverine in the head so his brain will have to regenerate and he’ll forget all the bad stuff that Stryker did. That’s pretty surgical shooting there, Tex. When Wolverine comes back to life he can remember how to talk, motor functions, the English language, how much he likes cigars, etc. But not the events of this film.

WHERE’S MY GUN? Ha ha I kid. I watched this movie on HBO HD hungover and enjoyed it.

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