I was reading the user reviews on iTunes for Battle: Los Angeles, because I was wondering why it had such a low score. People kept writing reviews like “critics are dumb, this movie is awesome!” One guy wrote, “Critics sure can be buggers!” I pictured him in a rocking chair on his front porch, doling out homespun-country-mouse wisdom on the iTunes Battle: Los Angeles page from a laptop he made out of corncobs. Whatever you say, dummy. Let’s call up the New York Times, Joe Everyman has something to say on the internet! So someone criticizes the critics for critiquing, and now I’m criticizing that critique of critics, resulting in a Möbius strip of everyone’s an asshole.
Anyway, Aaron Eckhart is a Staff Sergeant in the Marines! He’s jogging down the beach, but a bunch of younger Marines jog past him, because he’s old! I know how he feels. I walk three and a half miles every morning in the park, and hot girls are always running past me. Though sometimes I hear that really fit people are attracted to out of shape people. Not these girls, though. Not even a second look. I guess my girlfriend wouldn’t like it if I was lurking in the park trying to pick up joggers. Fortunately for her, I’m nowhere as good looking as Aaron Eckhart. Or unfortunately for her.
Aaron Eckhart is retiring, but he’s going to get one last platoon ready for combat. But he got his last platoon killed so nobody trusts him. Everybody second guesses him to his face all the time. Hey Staff Sergeant, you aren’t going to get us killed, are you? Hey Staff Sergeant, you aren’t going to pour lighter fluid on our backs and then throw matches while yelling “I surrender, burn them all!” are you? Hey Staff Sergeant, you aren’t going to confuse bananas with guns and give all the monkeys at the zoo loaded .44 Magnums, are you?
When the aliens arrive, everyone thinks it’s just harmless meteors crashing into the ocean, but then BAM! Aliens with warships hell bent on killing all humans! In the mid-80’s toy manufacturers did something similar with two He-Man action figures called Stonedar and Rokkon. They were these rock guys that showed up as comets to help He-Man. They could transform into rocks and then back into guys who were covered in rocks. I don’t even like wearing pants in my apartment, I can’t imagine if I could never take off my clothes and also my clothes were made of rocks. I guess that’s the sacrifice you have to make when you want to disguise yourself as a boulder. If Skeletor ever tries to ruin a picnic in a national park, he better get ready to be mildly startled when some nearby rocks tell him to put down that ham sandwich!
The aliens are really hard to kill! Aaron Eckhart captures one of them and cuts away at layers of alien body parts until he finds its jellyfish center and stabs it. That’ll teach you to sting people’s legs at the beach and then those people get their ex-girlfriends drunk and make their ex-girlfriends pee on their legs and later find out from a park ranger that only saltwater will ease the sting of a jellyfish, not urine or fresh water! That was a friend of mine, not me. I would never let anyone pee on me, no matter how many invertebrates had stung me with poison barbs.
Then everyone finds out the aliens are here for our water! To paraphrase a news reporter in the movie, they need water to “fuel their ships because nowhere else in the universe has water.” First of all, if you’re an alien race and you’re building your technology for traveling around the universe, you’d probably make fuel out of common materials found throughout the universe, not something so rare you’ve got to murder an entire planet just to start your space jalopy. There’s a reason my car doesn’t run on scrolls with William Shakespeare’s signature and Gutenberg Bibles, because I enjoy driving without having to commit mass genocide in order to acquire these items from another culture. Also, the thruster exhaust on the alien ships was fire, not steam, so how could their ships be running on water, unless they figured out a way to turn water into fire? Maybe the aliens were taking long hot baths, and the “fuel” was them recharging their emotional batteries.
The Marines shoot down the alien command center ship and it makes all the smaller alien ships crash into the ground. Alien Engineer: Say, should we consider programming these drones to operate independently in case they lose contact with the main ship? Alien Commander: I told you not to interrupt me while I’m in the tub. And that’s how the aliens who designed their ships to run on fuel they couldn’t make themselves and networked all their ships to one enormous target in the sky and had vulnerable jelly hearts somehow managed to lose the war against humans. Rest in peace, world’s dumbest aliens!