Tag Archives: Arnold Schwarzenegger

Fear Boners And Hyborian B-Movie Hell: Sexual And Gubernatorial Awakenings In The Trailer For “Red Sonja”

Fear Boners And Hyborian B-Movie Hell: Sexual And Gubernatorial Awakenings In The Trailer For “Red Sonja”

In which Lauren Traetto of Vouched Books and FANZINE and Casey Childers of WRITE CLUB San Francisco review the trailer for Red Sonja.

LAUREN

I love it when a trailer includes mention of “the world’s greatest evil”—it’s like the ‘80s movie version of Buzzfeed’s clickbait titles. Judging from this clip, the world’s greatest evil is a second-string dominatrix out of a George Michael video, inexplicably ruling over a bunch of soldiers from Tang Dynasty China.

Commando:  Let Me Say A Word Or Two About Freedom Williams

Commando: Let Me Say A Word Or Two About Freedom Williams

In which Tony Jenkins and Bryan Cole review the trailer for Commando.

BRYAN
“Let’s party”…

Hell yeah, let’s party. Speaking of which, did you see how buff Freddie Mercury was there? Hard to believe he died of AIDS just a few years later… Or was it still called GRID then? Either way, dude really knew how to take it to ol’ Arnie.

I’m kinda amazed that no one talks about his performance in this movie. Do you think he and the Arnz became blood brothers on the set? Why was that such a thing back in the 80s? Blood brothers…what the fuck?!

Man of Steel: I Hope Superman’s Friends Don’t Know Which Direction To Point At The Fortress Of Solitude

Man of Steel: I Hope Superman’s Friends Don’t Know Which Direction To Point At The Fortress Of Solitude

I’m glad there’s another Man of Steel trailer, because the studios need to drum up some interest in this obscure indie gem about a little-known comic book character. “Man of Steel? Is that a sequel to Steel, the critical darling for which Shaq was awarded the Palme d’Or at Cannes, in recognition of his portrayal of both Iron Man and Thor at the same time, except he could also use his big-ass hammer as a gun?” (Come to think of it, who wouldn’t pay good money to see that? Get cracking, Hollywood! And make sure you spell my name right on the royalty checks, please.)

Total Recall (1990): Throwing Multiple Mommas From Multiple Trains

Total Recall (1990): Throwing Multiple Mommas From Multiple Trains

In which Jason and Laura Straub of Vouched Books review the 1990 trailer For Total Recall.

JASON

Back in 1993, I was a fifteen year old bag boy at a middle Georgia Bi-Lo. (This was when bag boys were still allowed to receive tips, as tipping had not yet been banned by the bag boy supreme court. You can spot the difference between regular court and bag boy court by the statue of a blindfolded Piggly Wiggly pig in front of the courthouse steps, balancing the fairness of $1.49 Boston Butt Pork Roast against the righteousness of $4.99 Seedless Watermelons.) While I was bagging his groceries, a disheveled man in a Members Only jacket and thick glasses told one of our pregnant cashiers he’d pay her $20 to sit on his face.

First of all, everyone—you can put down your twenty dollar bills. It didn’t work. Believe it or not, the cashier declined the man’s offer of a twenty dollar mustache ride. Which, has this man not seen the novelty T-shirts? His rates are well above the going market rate of FREE.

Second of all, if that dirty old man lived in the world of Total Recall, he wouldn’t know whose face to tell a pregnant cashier to sit on, because apparently everyone’s face is morphing into a different face all the time.

LAURA

My question is: does it hurt when your face morphs? It looks incredibly painful. Also, I’m a big fan of the start of this trailer, i.e: Arnold Schwarzenegger’s head is either a planet or a moon, rotating around this other planet, which has a pyramid so large that it can clearly be seen from outer space. Clearly not earth. It really sets the tone for the film, I think: 1. Worship Arnold 2. This movie is going to be its own kind of psychedelic trip.

I wonder what would have happened to that guy at the supermarket if he WERE in Total Recall and the cashier turned out to be Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character, Douglas Quaid. The DB of a shopper would probably say something like, “Hey sugar-britches, I’ll throw you an Andrew Jackson if you sit on my face.” Then the pregnant clerk you were working with would do that crazy painful Rubix Cube morph and transform into something all ripped and manly aka: Douglas Quaid. Douglas would then say something quippy, as a Douglas is prone to do. In fact, I imagine he’d just pull out a gun and say something like, “Sit on this.” Or Is that how your mother taught you to speak to a lady?

Jason… what would you have done if that had happened?

You Sank My Battleship! Suggestions For Turning Classic Toys Into Mega-movie Franchises

It’s a little early to name the best movie of the year (hint: it ain’t Green Lantern), but it’s not too early to name my favorite movie of 2012. That would be Battleship, the naval action spectacle based on the popular Hasbro board game. With a cast that includes Liam Neeson, Brooklyn Decker and, uh, Rihanna, how could it go wrong? And did I mention the plot? According to the good folks at Wikipedia, it’s about an “international navy fleet engaged in a very dynamic and intense battle against an alien race .”

Sounds just like the popular game we all grew up with, right?

Now that we’re putting everyone’s favorite childhood memories on the table, without fretting over such inconvenient details as, oh, say, what they were really about, I have only one question.

Where do I sign up?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not just looking for a cheap buck—although if Hollywood comes calling, I’m not going to turn my nose up at any tractor-trailers carrying bags of cash with dollar signs on them, like in those old Scrooge McDuck comic books.  No, sir. If movie studios are eager to cash in on my childhood, then I have an obligation—nay, a duty—to offer my assistance. After all, as a perpetual adolescent who’s been 15 for more than 25 years, I’m their target audience.

Without further ado, here are my suggestions for pillaging strip-mining capitalizing on those favorite toys of yesteryear.

Army Men: This one’s too easy, since the video game industry has already provided us with the template: a series of games about molded-plastic combat troops doing battle against giant real-world backdrops (flowerbeds, workbenches, etc.). Forget the games’ backstory and just get to the money shot: tiny little soldiers waging bloody war across a typical suburban home, from the kitchen to the backyard.

During WWII, an elite squad of Allied soldiers (including Dennis Quaid, Bruce Willis and Brendan Fraser) infiltrates a top-secret laboratory to stop the Nazis from launching a teleportation device. Something goes horribly wrong, and Axis and Allied troops alike are transported across time and space to the home of little Timmy Burrows in Wilmington, Delaware. Oh, and they’re now like an inch tall. And throw in some cowboys and Indians while we’re at it, just to spice things up. Picture a cavalry regiment flattened by a car tire, or a mad German scientist played by Ralph Fiennes—the troops’ only hope of returning home—snatched up in the jaws of a giant housecat! It’s got franchise—and Oscar—written all over it. You know, like Lord of the Rings.

Barbie: Who else but Gwyneth Paltrow could portray this glamorous fashion model, teacher, doctor, homemaker, astronaut and President of the United States? And who else but Bradley Cooper would fill role of her love interest, vapid male model turned football star turned Wall Street trader Ken? It’s a romantic comedy, a medical drama and six different action movies rolled into one. Will their love survive the crash of the stock market, a triple heart transplant, and a terrorist attack during the Super Bowl? You’ll have to wait for the sequel.

Hot Wheels: Picture the Fast and the Furious franchise or the Smokey and the Bandit movies, without all the bothersome plot and attempts at acting. Picture dozens—no, hundreds of the sleekest, meanest machines ever built, let loose across the highways of this great land for two hours of car chases and spectacular explosions. Done! Next?

Sea Monkeys: An oil drill destroys an underwater city of humanoid fish-men, prompting all-out undersea war—in 3-D! It’s got an environmental message—like Avatar, except underwater! Liam Neeson is the lord of this ancient aquatic civilization, with Amy Adams as his impudent daughter, who falls in love with marine biologist Shia LaBeouf. The guy who plays Gollum needs to be in there somewhere, too. I think it’s a law.

Slinky: Nuclear scientist Kevin James activates a new supercollider poised to create a brand-new, clean, renewable source of energy. But oily Vince Vaughn sabotages the experiment so that his company can continue to profit from our dependence on fossil fuels. Hey, maybe it’s the same company that destroys the sea monkeys in the other movie! Anyway, the supercollider becomes a giant perpetual-motion coil of doom that, um, slinks across the country, destroying everything in its path! Alcoholic President Tom Arnold sends a team of specialists—Arnold Schwarzenegger, Joseph Gordon-Leavitt and Zooey Deschanel—to stop this helix of atomic death from… well … spiraling about. Who cares how they stop it? It’s got property damage! Explosions! And let’s add a bit of gratuitous—I mean, tasteful nudity. You know, for the foreign markets.

Spielberg, call me! And mail the checks to me care of this website.

More writing by Kevin Moreau can be found by asking a sea monkey for directions to The Island of Kevin Moreau. Photo courtesy of Amanda M Hatfield