Tag Archives: BBC

Torchwood

Torchwood is the best science fiction show I will never ever be able to convince my girlfriend to watch. As the British say, it is really “posh” and “spot on” and “crumpets” and “bangers and mash”. I got that right, didn’t I? I’d hate it if the queen was reading this review and spit her tea out into her Union Jack teacup because I mixed up some colloquialisms.

Torchwood is a spin off of the new Doctor Who, and is the more serious and sober of the two- not a difficult feat because Doctor Who is completely and utterly bananas.

The first season starts with a British policewoman named Gwen Cooper stumbling onto a guy getting brought back from the dead by Captain Jack Harkness and his Torchwood crew. She can’t let go of what she’s seen, so she keeps showing up at their headquarters even though they try to wipe her memory. Eventually they relent and teach her the secret handshake and before you can say “Oh ‘ello there” in a cheery British accent she’s ghost riding the Torchwood whip, so to speak, along with her new pals Owen Harper the bachelor doctor, Toshiko “Tosh” Sato the shy technology expert and Captain Jack- the bisexual unkillable American con man from the distant future with a dapper ass coat. Not to mention Ianto the tea-fetcher/butler, who plays Alfred to Captain Jack’s Batman, if Alfred and Batman constantly made out.

I have to take my hat off to the BBC- it’s nice to see strong gay characters in any medium of fiction that aren’t being stereotyped, though the last time I saw this much guy on guy kissing in science fiction was the gay space porno my great-great-great-great grandson produces and directs in the year 3000. (In the year 3000 every citizen is required by law to produce and direct at least one gay space porno.)

The only thing that bothers me about Torchwood is: they keep acting like these extraterrestrial visitors called Weevils are the living embodiment of hate and malice and aggression. Torchwood members are always running around macing these things in the face with special Weevil calming spray, and the Weevils are always trying to tear their flesh apart with their teeth.

But for some reason Weevils wear these neat little dark navy blue jumpsuits. Clean, uniform jumpsuits. So there’s this alien race that fell through a dimensional rift with only one murderous thought in their heads, but they also manage to have a textile industry? So they have two thoughts in their heads- murder and stitching up a sharp little outfit.

In addition to fashion conscious razor-fanged monsters, Torchwood is notable for featuring more cursing, sex, death and uncertainty than Doctor Who.

So if you’ve ever said to yourself ‘I wish I could watch something super British and science fiction-y like Doctor Who only people say the f-word and die in it’, then your wish just got granted and then sat around waiting on DVD for three years waiting on you to find out about it.