Tag Archives: Billie Piper

Doctor Who Season 2

This review contains spoilers.

In season two Doctor Who fights the devil inside a big asteroid next to a black hole. The big red monster with horns kind of devil, with the scales and the magma and the rocks for skin and the yowling and grunting and the big iron manacles in a pit of fire. Seems to me if you wanted to imprison the Prince of Lies you’d go a little further than slapping a couple of big space handcuffs and chains on him. Maybe some prison bars made of lasers and a straitjacket, too. Also a gag so he doesn’t do any of that lying and seducing he’s been perfecting since the dawn of time. Spare no expense to keep that devil locked up, I say.

You know who else shows up? Daleks. Can’t keep a Dalek away from Doctor Who. When I say “Doctor” you say “Dalek”! The Doctor is always so surprised to see Daleks. “Daleks? I thought I killed the last Dalek! I even killed the Dalek emperor! I can’t believe these f**kers are still alive.” Maybe Doctor Who is just being polite when he acts shocked to see a Dalek.

I ‘fancied’ Billie Piper as The Doctor’s companion- she seemed like she was having the time of her life. Too bad The Doctor leaves her behind on a second Earth at the end of the season. If you travel in the Doctor’s blue police box I hope you like desert islands or weird moons or parallel dimensions because that’s where you’re ending up one way or another. The only way the Doctor could strand more of his friends in dangerous places is if he was a pirate on a ship made entirely of planks.

David Tennant replaces Christopher Eccleston this season as Doctor Who. The Doctor actually removes Eccleston’s face to reveal Tennant’s face beneath it in the final episode of the first season. Can’t replace anybody more thoroughly than that, unless you want to jump out of their stomach à la Alien. With his small stature and smart pinstriped suit David Tennant seems like he’s just dropped by the pocket-watch repair shop and now he’s off to sing lead vocals for The Monkees with his pals Micky, Michael and Peter.

I wonder how may women sci-fi fans have obsessive fantasies about the David Tennant Doctor Who. “Oh British immortal time traveler- take me in your time ship to some ancient space library and let’s do it on the books!” Well ladies, I hope you’re ready to spend the rest of your life in an ancient space library because he will leave you there faster than you can retrieve your bra from the ‘Geegleplax Guide To The Seven Outer Plorshushes’.

Not to mention Doctor Who saves Queen Victoria from a werewolf and to thank him for his trouble she founds the Torchwood Institute to hunt him down and bans him from ever coming back to England. Well look how that worked out lady- now you’re long underground in your fancy royal linens and Doctor Who is still sweeping British ladies off their feet and into alternate realities.

Geegleplax that, Your Highness!

Doctor Who Season 1

Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered his ‘I Have A Dream’ speech on August 28, 1963. Three months later the first episode of Dr.Who aired.

FORTY SEVEN YEARS LATER we finally have a black president and Dr.Who is still on the air. You’d have to watch nearly five decades worth of episodes to get caught up. Can you imagine sitting down and trying to watch that much ancient British television? The first episodes weren’t even in color.

“Oh dear, some old black and white British social problem seems to be rearing its ugly head. I guess this is what this show will be about because computers haven’t even been invented yet.”

I like Christopher Eccleston’s modern Dr.Who- he looks like a jug eared Roman senator. He travels around time and space in a blue police box with the lovely Billie Piper, who plays his companion Rose.

Speaking of beautiful women in Doctor Who episodes, a friend of mine who was a fan of the show as a young man in the 80’s told me he horrified a female Doctor Who fan by penning an erotic tale featuring The Doctor and his former companion Leela entitled “Space Spurts”. The contents of ‘Space Spurts’ are lost to time, but the title lives on in my head every time I see a multicolored scarf or an alien with an erection.

Eccleston’s Doctor goes head to head against his most hated enemy—the Daleks. The Daleks are robotic creatures that look like big vacuums and they kill people with electric prods that resemble plungers. I guess some Doctor Who writer back in the sixties got attacked by a maid once.

The Daleks yell “EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!” in a grating metallic voice before they kill people. What if they wanted to sneak up on Doctor Who? They should be able to whisper it, too.

In one episode a Dalek’s outer shell gets opened up and it turns out there’s a slimy octopus inside. I bet it smells pretty bad in there- imagine if you wore a big metal vacuum cleaner chasing Doctor Who around and never took it off, just rolling around poking your death plunger at everything.

Also, there are these aliens that look like big babies with giant claws and they wear people’s skin as disguises. They have this big plan to take over the British government (just throw some of their tea into a harbor, am I right America?). I thought it was odd that they couldn’t wait to take off their human skin costumes so they could run around and kill people. Every five minutes one of them is sneaking off into a side room and unzipping their foreheads and killing another human. That’s like removing your whole Halloween costume just to smoke a cigarette.

In this season Eccleston’s Doctor meets Captain Jack Harkness from Torchwood for the first time. In one episode Harkness looks like he tried to dress like Han Solo but ended up getting a part as an extra in the musical Grease and just modified the outfit a little. Good thing they started dressing him in that military surplus coat, or it would have been hard to take him seriously on Torchwood.

When Christopher Eccleston’s Doctor started to get freaky with TARDIS energy (not an excerpt from “Space Spurts” I assure you) and turns into David Tennant’s Doctor, I was sad to see him go. In fact I was like “What the hell no way am I going to like this new Doctor Who!”

Five minutes later I was streaming the second season of Doctor Who on Netflix, Eccleston’s big ears and leather jacket a distant memory, cheering David Tennant and being like “Yeah I love this new Doctor Who!”