Tag Archives: BioShock 2

BioShock 2

In BioShock 2 you play a Big Daddy, a genetically altered man in an atmospheric diving suit. You have a drill instead of a hand and the other hand is for shooting flames or ice or hypnotic hearts out of, like Hello Kitty.

You’re in the ruins of the underwater city of Rapture, which was built by a man who was sick of the guv’ment taxing his mule or something so he took his donkey to the bottom of the ocean.

While he was at it he gave unlicensed genetic superhuman technology to the general population of his undersea city. Surprisingly his plan to turn everyone into the human torch and cut them off from the rest of society went awry and even the mule swam away.

Now everyone in Rapture who isn’t dead or barricaded in a locked room with an old-timey radio is a Splicer. Splicers are de-evolved Rapture citizens with terrible powers, machine guns and three three THREE sets of serrated blades to splice chop and marinate your meats and vegetables.

Just like in the first game, everything is all seawater and Ayn Rand. Man I bet she never saw a game like this coming.

I’m Ayn Rand I’m going to be a jerk and write a book about patting yourself on the back if you think you’re great. Don’t make a video game criticizing my dumb philosophy because all they got up here in the clouds is Xbox 360s and harps and I don’t wanna play the harp!

Then she cries black and white animated tears like Betty Boop. And a little cartoon dog in pants plays her halo like a xylophone.

As a Big Daddy your mission was to protect Little Sisters, orphans physically altered so their stomachs can process harvested genetic material from corpses, like a bachelor eating chicken wings he found under his couch, or a dog who tried to swallow a copy of Atlas Shrugged. Don’t worry, doggie— even if you had a degree in philosophy you’d find it hard to swallow.

As New Orleans rapper Juvenile once opined, “Call me Big Daddy when you back that ass up,” and in this case “that ass” is the cognitive reasoning function that has been restored to your character.

Now your Big Daddy can choose whether he wants to save Little Sisters or harvest them for ADAM, which you can use to buy more powers to kill splicers with.

I found two splicers slow dancing next to a jukebox. It looked really romantic. So I threw a hypnosis heart bomb at the dude and he started trying to murder his dance partner. She threw some fireballs, but he killed her in the end. Take that, true love!

I stayed awake until four in the morning so I could beat this game. The last time I stayed up that late to play a video game, I was twelve years old playing Ecco the Dolphin on Sega Genesis at my friend Jacob’s house. We had been up for 48 hours already due to an especially exciting trip to Six Flags.

I guess sleep deprivation overcame me at that moment because I watched that dolphin swim around on screen for a minute, then turned to Jacob and said, “You know what? You’re a little bitch.”

Then I went to sleep. Zzzzzz.