I thought about Borderlands as I was drifting off to sleep the other night. In the game I was using my phasewalking ability to electrocute an armored military unit called the Crimson Lance, causing them to yell in their squawky voices, flail around, throw up their hands and die in a puff of electricity. So like Scrooge McDuck counting gold coins in his head before he slipped into dreams of large bosomed lady ducks, I counted the kills I made in Borderlands before I dozed off.
Then again, the next night I was thinking about fried ice cream cake, which is something I came up with at lunch with my friends. It’s a piece of ice cream cake you dip in batter and fry. I also invented a service where you hire a priest to stand outside of a strip club and forgive you as you are walking out. You’re forgiven! And you’re forgiven! Aaaaand you’re forgiven!
The only thing I didn’t like about this game is deciding which gun to keep and which gun to sell, because there are so many to choose from. I kept obsessing over having the best of all the guns. My favorite weapon was a Double Anarchy submachine gun. Other guns came and went, but this was a gun I felt like I could settle down and grow old with. Congratulations, Borderlands, I’m reminiscing about video game weapons.
Most games, I couldn’t give a damn what I’m shooting someone with. Oh does this shoot lasers? No, it shoots little needle things. And this one just says prerecorded businessman cliche phrases when I pull the trigger. (pulls trigger) “Maximize our SEO!” “It is what it is!” Maybe somebody could make a gun for priests that forgives people. Wonder what ammo you would load it with. Probably confetti.
Borderlands is looking pretty with those cel-shaded graphics. Very stylish. Like an ad for an uptown condo. All it needs now is a skinny lady holding a cosmopolitan. If I see a woman in an ad holding a fancy drink and a big glittery purse I assume if I hung out with her she’d be really mean and boring.
Here comes a spoiler:
This whole game, you’re running around killing bandits on a desert planet, picking up weapons and shields, looking for this mythical place called The Vault. To be honest with you, I thought the Vault was going to be full of amazing weapons and loot. Nope. It’s got a squid creature from another dimension in it. That ain’t right, video game. If you call something a vault, it better have treasure or a dead body in it. I’ve never heard of anyone keeping a big space jellyfish in a vault, not even the seafood bank where you can get a 3% on all shrimp you deposit.
But like the ocean voyage you must take to reach the seafood bank, what made Borderlands great was not the destination, but the journey. Skully Skeleton, the mossy skeleton from a shipwreck at the bottom of the ocean I mentioned in my review of Wonder Boys and The Lovely Bones, once traveled all seven seas just to deposit a silver backed shark into his seafood bank account. Then he found out his account was overdrawn by one hundred lobsters. Funny story- that shark ended up being the best man at Skully’s wedding to a a Polynesian belly dancer.