Tag Archives: Bradley Cooper

Me Use Algorithms: A Review Of “Limitless”
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Me Use Algorithms: A Review Of “Limitless”

In Limitless, Bradley Cooper plays a failed writer who takes magic pills and becomes a genius. For a movie that’s supposed to be about a writer and a man of godlike intellect, this movie actually seems to hate writing. As soon as Bradley Cooper gets his smart pills and doubles his brainpower, he ditches writing to play the stocks. “So long, dumb book I’ve been laboring over for years!” He might as well throw his laptop out the window and hit some willowy bucktoothed nerd in the retainer with it.

Oh man, and then there’s the montages of Bradley Cooper spouting off “smart” things in front of amazed onlookers at parties and bars. It’s like watching Superman’s halfwit clone Bizarro give a speech to an auditorium full of RealDolls with diplomas from fake online universities stuffed into their cleavage.

Not to mention Robert De Niro, as a powerful businessman, is supposedly very impressed with Bradley Cooper’s stock choices. He arranges a meeting, and Bradley Cooper says, “Uh…orr…me use algorithms. Stocks?” Then he dips his tie in a sippy cup of apple juice and puts it in his mouth. Robert De Niro is like, “Okay, you drive a hard bargain.”

There’s a scene in Limitless where Bradley Cooper seduces a woman in a nightclub by speaking different languages and quoting Shakespeare. Now, I know you wanted to booty dance to Young Jeezy, heavily made-up nightclub lady, but how about a few choice selections from the Bard of Avon instead?

This guy is supposed to be the living incarnation of man’s untapped mental potential, and he spends all of his time trying to live the shittiest life possible. He seeks out dumb women to have sex with, and bends over backward to impress insufferable rich white people. For anybody with above average intelligence, being around people obsessed with money and leisure is like biting down on a dunce cap made of tin foil. But Bradley Cooper’s character acts like getting some Wall Street jerk-offs and generic hot girls to think he’s awesome is like biting down on a dunce cap made of filet mignon and blowjobs.

Anyway, there’s this whole big thing at the end about how Bradley Cooper didn’t earn his power, and how you need to temper intelligence with experience, and how he’s actually limitless now that he has both. Which would have been a thoughtful way to end the movie. Except in the same scene, he diagnoses Robert De Niro with a heart condition by putting his hand on De Niro’s chest and detecting a serious cardiac problem through a layer of clothing. I understand that it wouldn’t make sense to ask Robert De Niro to get topless just to impress him with your ability to use your hand as a stethoscope, but even a goat chewing on the hem of a backwoods hillbilly doctor’s combination overalls and lab coat knows that you can’t use your fingertips as a Holter monitor.

Unless the goat is chewing on Limitless pills, and then he’ll treat any medical ailment with a tin can and hubris. That’s it, everybody. Limitless!

You Sank My Battleship! Suggestions For Turning Classic Toys Into Mega-movie Franchises

It’s a little early to name the best movie of the year (hint: it ain’t Green Lantern), but it’s not too early to name my favorite movie of 2012. That would be Battleship, the naval action spectacle based on the popular Hasbro board game. With a cast that includes Liam Neeson, Brooklyn Decker and, uh, Rihanna, how could it go wrong? And did I mention the plot? According to the good folks at Wikipedia, it’s about an “international navy fleet engaged in a very dynamic and intense battle against an alien race .”

Sounds just like the popular game we all grew up with, right?

Now that we’re putting everyone’s favorite childhood memories on the table, without fretting over such inconvenient details as, oh, say, what they were really about, I have only one question.

Where do I sign up?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not just looking for a cheap buck—although if Hollywood comes calling, I’m not going to turn my nose up at any tractor-trailers carrying bags of cash with dollar signs on them, like in those old Scrooge McDuck comic books.  No, sir. If movie studios are eager to cash in on my childhood, then I have an obligation—nay, a duty—to offer my assistance. After all, as a perpetual adolescent who’s been 15 for more than 25 years, I’m their target audience.

Without further ado, here are my suggestions for pillaging strip-mining capitalizing on those favorite toys of yesteryear.

Army Men: This one’s too easy, since the video game industry has already provided us with the template: a series of games about molded-plastic combat troops doing battle against giant real-world backdrops (flowerbeds, workbenches, etc.). Forget the games’ backstory and just get to the money shot: tiny little soldiers waging bloody war across a typical suburban home, from the kitchen to the backyard.

During WWII, an elite squad of Allied soldiers (including Dennis Quaid, Bruce Willis and Brendan Fraser) infiltrates a top-secret laboratory to stop the Nazis from launching a teleportation device. Something goes horribly wrong, and Axis and Allied troops alike are transported across time and space to the home of little Timmy Burrows in Wilmington, Delaware. Oh, and they’re now like an inch tall. And throw in some cowboys and Indians while we’re at it, just to spice things up. Picture a cavalry regiment flattened by a car tire, or a mad German scientist played by Ralph Fiennes—the troops’ only hope of returning home—snatched up in the jaws of a giant housecat! It’s got franchise—and Oscar—written all over it. You know, like Lord of the Rings.

Barbie: Who else but Gwyneth Paltrow could portray this glamorous fashion model, teacher, doctor, homemaker, astronaut and President of the United States? And who else but Bradley Cooper would fill role of her love interest, vapid male model turned football star turned Wall Street trader Ken? It’s a romantic comedy, a medical drama and six different action movies rolled into one. Will their love survive the crash of the stock market, a triple heart transplant, and a terrorist attack during the Super Bowl? You’ll have to wait for the sequel.

Hot Wheels: Picture the Fast and the Furious franchise or the Smokey and the Bandit movies, without all the bothersome plot and attempts at acting. Picture dozens—no, hundreds of the sleekest, meanest machines ever built, let loose across the highways of this great land for two hours of car chases and spectacular explosions. Done! Next?

Sea Monkeys: An oil drill destroys an underwater city of humanoid fish-men, prompting all-out undersea war—in 3-D! It’s got an environmental message—like Avatar, except underwater! Liam Neeson is the lord of this ancient aquatic civilization, with Amy Adams as his impudent daughter, who falls in love with marine biologist Shia LaBeouf. The guy who plays Gollum needs to be in there somewhere, too. I think it’s a law.

Slinky: Nuclear scientist Kevin James activates a new supercollider poised to create a brand-new, clean, renewable source of energy. But oily Vince Vaughn sabotages the experiment so that his company can continue to profit from our dependence on fossil fuels. Hey, maybe it’s the same company that destroys the sea monkeys in the other movie! Anyway, the supercollider becomes a giant perpetual-motion coil of doom that, um, slinks across the country, destroying everything in its path! Alcoholic President Tom Arnold sends a team of specialists—Arnold Schwarzenegger, Joseph Gordon-Leavitt and Zooey Deschanel—to stop this helix of atomic death from… well … spiraling about. Who cares how they stop it? It’s got property damage! Explosions! And let’s add a bit of gratuitous—I mean, tasteful nudity. You know, for the foreign markets.

Spielberg, call me! And mail the checks to me care of this website.

More writing by Kevin Moreau can be found by asking a sea monkey for directions to The Island of Kevin Moreau. Photo courtesy of Amanda M Hatfield