Tag Archives: British

Game of Thrones Season 2

Game of Thrones Season 2

In which Jason is joined by Atlanta writer Chris Hassiotis for a review of the trailer for Season 2 of Game of Thrones.

J: According to Wikipedia, Mark Twain was born during a visit by Halley’s Comet, and predicted that he would “go out with it” as well. Slow down, Mark Twain. You can’t just tell a comet what to do.

Harry Brown

Damn, what is going on in England? I feel like if I go to England I’m either going to get knifed by a gold toothed hooligan or wind up in Doctor Who’s blue police box. Where I will then be knifed by a gold toothed Doctor Who. I ain’t no Dalek, get that sonic screwdriver out of my ribcage!

Michael Caine is Harry Brown, according to the minimalist opening credits. You think we need big fonts and colors? Hell no. We got classic understated type here, y’all. Harry Brown is a pensioner (yeah, British talk!) who goes straight up vigilante on some British hooligans. They probably listen to The Streets or Lady Sovereign or Ratatat and call themselves “chavs”, according to some mp3s I downloaded in the year 2006. All I know is they sell heroin and look like Dudley from Harry Potter.

Harry Brown wants to walk through a pedestrian walkway but the street toughs hang out there all day and night terrorizing “the estate”. Man, even a description of British housing projects makes them sound like a place where the Queen just got done pouring tea out of a hollowed out bust of Winston Churchill. Speaking of elegant busts, I always thought Posh Spice was the cutest Spice Girl. I like how she ended up being posh for real. She didn’t just start singing in the Spice Girls out of her mansion, right? I think she was just a regular girl first. That’s like getting a millionaire costume and then everyone starts thinking you’re a millionaire and next thing you know you’re smoking a cigar and a stripper is doing your taxes. Thanks, Party City! Next I’m going to get a Ghostbuster costume.

Harry Brown’s elderly best friend goes down to confront the thugs with a bayonet and gets killed then they pee on him and film it all on their “mobiles”. Well, there’s your problem. Don’t take a knife to a gun fight. Don’t even show up to a gun fight. Stay at home and watch British shows like “Chesterfield Acres” or “Chimp Takes a Suitor” or “Gross Lower Class British People In Their Garish Clothing Smoking Cheap Cigarettes” or “Ricky Gervais”.

Harry Brown is all, oh I’m ex-military I thought you knew and starts killing the hoodlums. Here’s a fun game. Pretend this movie is Batman Minus Batman and Harry Brown is Alfred living in England under an assumed name. Ooh and his wife who dies at the beginning is like Catwoman or something. Which explains why her last words were meow meow meow meow. Just like Rap Cat. I once had a bet with my friend Rich that whoever lost a ping pong match had to listen to Rap Cat on repeat for a solid hour. After he lost, I got him album art for iTunes and everything. He ended up briefly being the top Rap Cat listener on Last.fm.

The fact that he is no longer the top listener means that someone out there listened to Rap Cat so much they’ve surpassed a man who played it on repeat for an entire hour. The dude who wrote Rap Cat hasn’t even heard it that many times. I bet he’s sick of Rap Cat. Waking up in the morning, the first thing he sees is Rap Cat. He sleeps with the Rap Cat puppet, I guess. Then he takes Rap Cat into the bathroom and brushes its teeth. “I hate you, Rap Cat,” he says to the Rap Cat puppet, his mouth full of toothpaste. And Rap Cat just stares back at him in the mirror, gold chain luminescent under the bathroom light.

Spoiler Alert

After killing a gang of teenagers, Harry Brown gets to use the pedestrian walkway from now on. Batman is still at large. Posh Spice remains the most attractive Spice Girl. Rap Cat is survived by his widow Mrs. Rap Cat and two kittens.

Torchwood

Torchwood is the best science fiction show I will never ever be able to convince my girlfriend to watch. As the British say, it is really “posh” and “spot on” and “crumpets” and “bangers and mash”. I got that right, didn’t I? I’d hate it if the queen was reading this review and spit her tea out into her Union Jack teacup because I mixed up some colloquialisms.

Torchwood is a spin off of the new Doctor Who, and is the more serious and sober of the two- not a difficult feat because Doctor Who is completely and utterly bananas.

The first season starts with a British policewoman named Gwen Cooper stumbling onto a guy getting brought back from the dead by Captain Jack Harkness and his Torchwood crew. She can’t let go of what she’s seen, so she keeps showing up at their headquarters even though they try to wipe her memory. Eventually they relent and teach her the secret handshake and before you can say “Oh ‘ello there” in a cheery British accent she’s ghost riding the Torchwood whip, so to speak, along with her new pals Owen Harper the bachelor doctor, Toshiko “Tosh” Sato the shy technology expert and Captain Jack- the bisexual unkillable American con man from the distant future with a dapper ass coat. Not to mention Ianto the tea-fetcher/butler, who plays Alfred to Captain Jack’s Batman, if Alfred and Batman constantly made out.

I have to take my hat off to the BBC- it’s nice to see strong gay characters in any medium of fiction that aren’t being stereotyped, though the last time I saw this much guy on guy kissing in science fiction was the gay space porno my great-great-great-great grandson produces and directs in the year 3000. (In the year 3000 every citizen is required by law to produce and direct at least one gay space porno.)

The only thing that bothers me about Torchwood is: they keep acting like these extraterrestrial visitors called Weevils are the living embodiment of hate and malice and aggression. Torchwood members are always running around macing these things in the face with special Weevil calming spray, and the Weevils are always trying to tear their flesh apart with their teeth.

But for some reason Weevils wear these neat little dark navy blue jumpsuits. Clean, uniform jumpsuits. So there’s this alien race that fell through a dimensional rift with only one murderous thought in their heads, but they also manage to have a textile industry? So they have two thoughts in their heads- murder and stitching up a sharp little outfit.

In addition to fashion conscious razor-fanged monsters, Torchwood is notable for featuring more cursing, sex, death and uncertainty than Doctor Who.

So if you’ve ever said to yourself ‘I wish I could watch something super British and science fiction-y like Doctor Who only people say the f-word and die in it’, then your wish just got granted and then sat around waiting on DVD for three years waiting on you to find out about it.