Tag Archives: Captain Jack Harkness

Doctor Who Season 3

This review contains spoilers.

You think Doctor Who gets hot wearing a long coat over his suit all the time? I hate wearing a coat unless it’s really cold. Ever wear a coat in a car that’s been sitting in the sun all day? Even though it’s cold outside, the car is really hot but you’ve made your coat decision and got your seat belt on, so now you just have to sweat while you drive around.

Doctor Who is so lonely he can’t help but pick up another strange woman on his travels in season three. Good thing he has an eye for heroic ladies. Hate to see the Doctor get graadlefaxrd on the planet Hyrule because a truck stop hooker sold him out for a pack of sonic cigarettes.

It took me three seasons to wonder this, but where do the Doctor’s companions sleep on his police box ship? Must get frustrating sleeping in the same room, but not the same bed, as someone you have sexual tension with. Doctor Who’s TARDIS is like the champagne room of time traveling ships.

Oh there’s champagne in the Champagne Room. But you don’t want champagne… you want sex. And there’s no sex in the TARDIS.

Martha Jones is the Doctor’s companion this season. She’s so hot even Shakespeare wants to get in her pants (not a euphemism, they actually meet Shakespeare). She’s black, so every time they travel to a year before 1980 everyone has to make some dick racist comment to her. She even suffers through a job as a maid in 1913 England when Doctor Who becomes a human to hide out from some aliens.  Oh hey I’m going to lay low for a while— mind scrubbing floors for a few months? I’ll be over here teaching school as a well respected professor. Lalalala…

Doctor Who’s worst enemy the Daleks try to make a comeback on the top of The Empire State building during the Great Depression. They want to make human-Dalek hybrids. Doctor Who stops their plan by transmitting his own DNA into the human Daleks through a bolt of lightning.

I know how you feel Doctor Who. The last time I “transmitted my DNA” it felt like a bolt of lightning, too.

Captain Jack Harkness from Torchwood hitches a ride on the Doctor’s ship by literally holding on to the sides of the police box as it hurtles through time and space. I don’t think this follows NASA protocol for space travel. Just because the man can’t die doesn’t mean he can hold on to a wooden box with his fingertips on a trip to the end of the universe. This isn’t a mechanical bull on dollar beer night, Captain Jack.

Right before Harkness peaces out he drops some knowledge on the Doctor that he is, in fact, The Face of Boe. The Face of Boe is an enormous wrinkled face as old as time itself. It lives in a glass vat. Doctor Who watches him die in the far-flung future. Captain Jack is immortal and has a splendid coat. Wow, this show is all about coats. I guess it wouldn’t be as popular if it was called Doctor Coats.

I guess Jack is immortal, but not too immortal. He lives forever, but not FOREVER. More like a lot of ever. Quite a bit of ever. But not forever.

The big bad this season is The Master, another time lord that The Face of Boe warned the Doctor about. The Master takes all the humans at the end of time and puts their heads in some miniature death stars with needles and lasers. And he steals the TARDIS and makes it into a “paradox machine” (aka a Doctor Who scriptwriter’s keyboard) that ensures that time doesn’t collapse on itself.

Oh yeah and he ages Doctor Who one hundred years, turning him into a wizened little gnomish creature and puts him in a cage. I like that even in the cage the little Doctor Who had on a miniature suit. Where did he get that suit?

Oh hello, I’ve just taken over the world and turned my arch nemesis Doctor Who into a wizened diminutive version of himself. But I need a tiny pinstriped suit for him.

Well of course I’ve tried Baby Gap!

Torchwood

Torchwood is the best science fiction show I will never ever be able to convince my girlfriend to watch. As the British say, it is really “posh” and “spot on” and “crumpets” and “bangers and mash”. I got that right, didn’t I? I’d hate it if the queen was reading this review and spit her tea out into her Union Jack teacup because I mixed up some colloquialisms.

Torchwood is a spin off of the new Doctor Who, and is the more serious and sober of the two- not a difficult feat because Doctor Who is completely and utterly bananas.

The first season starts with a British policewoman named Gwen Cooper stumbling onto a guy getting brought back from the dead by Captain Jack Harkness and his Torchwood crew. She can’t let go of what she’s seen, so she keeps showing up at their headquarters even though they try to wipe her memory. Eventually they relent and teach her the secret handshake and before you can say “Oh ‘ello there” in a cheery British accent she’s ghost riding the Torchwood whip, so to speak, along with her new pals Owen Harper the bachelor doctor, Toshiko “Tosh” Sato the shy technology expert and Captain Jack- the bisexual unkillable American con man from the distant future with a dapper ass coat. Not to mention Ianto the tea-fetcher/butler, who plays Alfred to Captain Jack’s Batman, if Alfred and Batman constantly made out.

I have to take my hat off to the BBC- it’s nice to see strong gay characters in any medium of fiction that aren’t being stereotyped, though the last time I saw this much guy on guy kissing in science fiction was the gay space porno my great-great-great-great grandson produces and directs in the year 3000. (In the year 3000 every citizen is required by law to produce and direct at least one gay space porno.)

The only thing that bothers me about Torchwood is: they keep acting like these extraterrestrial visitors called Weevils are the living embodiment of hate and malice and aggression. Torchwood members are always running around macing these things in the face with special Weevil calming spray, and the Weevils are always trying to tear their flesh apart with their teeth.

But for some reason Weevils wear these neat little dark navy blue jumpsuits. Clean, uniform jumpsuits. So there’s this alien race that fell through a dimensional rift with only one murderous thought in their heads, but they also manage to have a textile industry? So they have two thoughts in their heads- murder and stitching up a sharp little outfit.

In addition to fashion conscious razor-fanged monsters, Torchwood is notable for featuring more cursing, sex, death and uncertainty than Doctor Who.

So if you’ve ever said to yourself ‘I wish I could watch something super British and science fiction-y like Doctor Who only people say the f-word and die in it’, then your wish just got granted and then sat around waiting on DVD for three years waiting on you to find out about it.