Tag Archives: Chewbacca

Let Me Go On: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Shrek’s Wife At Dragon*Con

Let Me Go On: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Shrek’s Wife At Dragon*Con

I’m at Dragon*Con, the world’s largest fantasy and science fiction convention. I point to a man and woman in green face-paint and say, “Hey, that couple is cosplaying as Shrek, and Shrek’s wife.”

My friends correct me: “You mean Fiona.”

Later, I meet a guy who shows me a shitty tattoo on his forearm that he’d gotten of his girlfriend. He says, “I know it’s ugly, the tattoo artist messed it up. It might as well be Shrek.”

So I say, “Why don’t you just go full Shrek? Get all of Shrek’s friends in there, too. Shrek & Company. The donkey, Shrek’s wife…”

He corrects me: “You mean Fiona.” Sure, I guess. Fiona. The lady ogre that Shrek took as his bride. Am I not giving the love of Shrek’s life the respect she deserves? Do you want me to use her maiden name as well? Did they hyphenate?

The Kind Of Hot That Vanishes With Your Girlfriend: A Criticism Of “Fanboys”

One of the conceits of Fanboys is that Jay Baruchel’s nerd and Kristen Bell’s nerd are madly in love, but their nerdiness gets in the way because he’s too shy and thinks of her as one of the boys because she quotes Han Solo and wears nerdy T-shirts. So does every hot girl on the internet. If I had a midi-chlorian for every picture of a cute pixie girl with a Luke Skywalker shirt online, I’d have enough to Force Choke twenty Ewoks.

And it’s not like Jay Baruchel and Kristen Bell are believable as people  who’d have a hard time getting laid, no matter what movies they like. Jay Baruchel is the kind of hot that vanishes with your girlfriend at a Brooklyn loft party. Oh, where’s my girlfriend? I think she went on the roof with Jay Baruchel. Noooooooooo! Kristen Bell is so hot she’d make a preacher lay his bible down, to quote Texas bluesman Mance Lipscomb. And then sell that bible to buy Millennium Falcon condoms.

And what the hell does Fanboys have against gay people? Everything is like, “You’re gay! That’s gay! Gay this, gay that!” I’m sure some people might say, “Thats how me and my friends talk to each other all the time and we’re Star Wars fans!” Look, nobody cares what you and your friends say to each other in the privacy of your own Chewbacca bedsheet fort. Though you should know that masturbating to a deviantART drawing of two Slave Leias making out doesn’t count as supporting gay culture. I’m just saying, why even throw gay jokes in a movie about Star Wars fans breaking into Skywalker Ranch? What the hell does Dan Fogler mincing around and lisping like a redneck at the Atlanta Pride Festival have to do with Star Wars?

Fanboys had a bunch of celebrity cameos, including William Shatner. I met William Shatner once— he even posed with Leonard Nimoy for one of the best photographs I’ve ever taken. He also managed not to make any slurs against gay people in the five minutes I spent with him, so Fanboys might want to take a leaf out of Shatner’s book. Anyway, Fanboys is like the Ocean’s Eleven of movies about liking Star Wars, if George Clooney worked at a comic book shop and was afraid of two penises touching each other. Also, Fanboys features Kristen Bell in a metal bikini, which is like Nerds candy and Dairy Queen Blizzards— you had no idea how much you liked the combination until you experienced it for yourself. Come to think of it, they should make a Star Wars Blizzard called the DQ Nerf Herder. Or the Ackbar Crunch. It’s a frap(puccino-flavored frozen treat)!