Tag Archives: Chris Pine



Denzel Washington and Chris Pine are two train conductors (engineers?) and they are like, “Trains! Get that coal lined up! Put the lead switch on the fifty yard line! You put twenty five train cars on this train instead of thirty?! That’s bad because of train law! Now the king of trains will smite you with his steam powered hammer!” There was a lot of train talk. I feel like I could drive a train after viewing Unstoppable. I certainly feel like I could stop a train.

It sure seems like a lot of equipment they had in place to stop the train in this movie did nothing to even slow the train down. Like the whole railroad’s backup plan was to put a couple of pillows and thick blankets on the tracks and hope for the best. I think at one point they put a scarecrow on the tracks so the train would get scared and turn around.

Also, as it turns out, people can put giant tanks of horrible chemicals on trains and nobody has any idea until the train is a runaway train. Hey- take my crazy hazardous materials, railroad! And the train company is all, “Put whatever you want on our big metal traveling death machine, it’s only tons and tons of potential murder. You want to put some babies up there while you’re at it?”

Whenever I think of trains, I think of the Monopoly guy (Mister Monopoly I think is his name?) buying up all the railroads and electric companies. Poor Monopoly Guy. He just wants to put a thimble on a dog and wear one shoe. Is Monopoly Guy supposed to represent everyone playing Monopoly, like the ghost of Monopoly? Or is he competing against all the players? Fight to the death for the Community Chest! To quote the band Morphine– do not go quietly unto your grave, Monopoly Man.

Anyway, Reading, Pennsylvania, B&O, and Short Line are all in danger unless Chris Pine and Denzel Washington get their act together and stop that train! I’m disappointed that at no point did they use “C’mon N’ Ride It (The Train)” by the Quad City DJ’s for the soundtrack. They should have at least remixed it and called it “C’mon N’ Stop It (The Train)”

Due to the fact that it stars Denzel Washington, would it be considered poor form to call this movie “Train-ing Day 2”? I put a hyphen in there so you would have no doubt it was a horrible pun, and maybe to enrage you a little. And that’s the end of the review!

Star Trek

I watched Star Trek last weekend on Netflix Instant Streaming. They didn’t have it in HD! For shame, Netflix! Look, I understand that some things are going to be in standard definition. If I’m streaming season one of Mama’s Family, I don’t need every blue hair on Thelma Harper’s head to be in crisp high definition. But Star Trek? That’s like having a machine that makes Dairy Queen Blizzards and serving up McFlurries instead. Turn on that Blizzard machine, Dairy Queen! That having been said, I’ve seen Mama’s Family in 1080p and it’s visually stunning. Just amazing, the detail on her apron and pearl necklace.

Tyler Perry is in this movie but he isn’t dressed like Madea. I wish he was, though. I wish any time someone in Starfleet won a medal or got promoted, Madea had to perform the ceremony. They could say she was resurrected from DNA or she’s a holodeck simulation like when Picard got to match wits with Moriarty and wear a Sherlock Holmes hat. I googled that and it turns out Data was the one wearing the hat. I don’t care that I remembered a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode incorrectly. Oh, I’m Madea! I’m a wise old lady in a dress! Here’s your Star Trek gold medal! Shazam! I clearly have never been to see a Madea film. I’m sorry. Who am I apologizing to? The holographic Madea in the Star Trek future, of course.

Still an amazing movie, though. Leonard Nimoy shows up to play old Spock and meet young Kirk and young Spock. All those Vulcans wearing bowl haircuts. Is that all they have in Vulcan barbershops? Bowls? I guess they always have a place to put their cereal. Well, at least they did until their whole planet got blown up. No, our booooowls!

Winona Ryder is Spock’s mom. She should start a band called Spock’s Mom. You know she’d have to cover “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins.” Leonard Nimoy rolling his eyes in the crowd, thinking, ‘Why did I ever record that shit I hate you Youtube.’

Chris Pine is the Captain Kirk-iest Captain Kirk that ever there was. I bet William Shatner thought he swapped bodies with Chris Pine. Calling him up in the middle of the night, give me my body back! But he had the wrong number and called George Takei instead. Sulu, give me that body back! Well, that’s going to lead to romantic confusion.  Man, I got pictures of all three of those dudes: William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy and George Takei. Take that, people without extensive collections of photographs of Star Trek luminaries.

I bet Zachary Quinto is glad he got the role of Spock because Heroes turned out to be really terrible. Now he can tell everybody he was in one of the best science fiction movies ever made. That’s right. THE BEST. Simon Pegg is even in this thing and when Simon Pegg shows up nerd goosebumps are sure to follow. Speaking of goosebumps, I fed some geese in the park today on my lunchbreak. And there was a bossy duck in the pond who was going QUACK QUACK QUACK! What do you want from me, duck?! I named him Spike because his feathers were all ruffled and they looked like spikes. That’s it for the duck story.

Oh- and the green lady Captain Kirk was making out with looked like She-Hulk. Too bad J.J. Abrams wasn’t like let’s just put She-Hulk in this thing we already got Madea. Apple used a still photo from Star Trek to advertise its iPad and iPod products for a while. Kiss my ass, Apple, this movie is cooler than you. I wrote Steve Jobs an email one time and he never even replied. Booooooooo, Steve Jobs.