Tag Archives: Clint Eastwood

Battleship

Battleship

In which Jason and comedy writer Ben Arnold have a profanity-laced discussion about the trailer for the movie Battleship.

J: I always knew that mankind would be crushed by enormous balls of steel, but I always assumed they’d be metaphorical, and attached to Hollywood’s elder statesman, Clint Eastwood. So I guess Liam Neeson and Rihanna are trapped behind a force field of ocean water in naval uniforms? I imagine this is the kind of thing that happens to people who get trapped in Kanye West’s saltwater pool. Is it just me, or do the aliens in Battleship look like they’re wearing Daft Punk helmets?

Hereafter

Matt Damon is a psychic who gave up psychic-ing to be a blue collar worker because he got sick of talking to dead people all the time. Man, how insufferable are these ghosts? Hey Matt Damon, would you mind relaying this important message to my loved ones in the mortal realm? NO, shut up you stupid skeleton! I want to weld or hammer stuff and wear a hard hat. This factory job is much, much better than communicating with the dead.

Also, are the dead people all just hanging out in that sepia blur world all the time just waiting to talk to Matt Damon? There is a restaurant here in Atlanta that makes fried chicken tacos with jalapeño mayonnaise and there is always a long line to get in. Maybe being dead and talking to Matt Damon is like eating three of those tacos with a side of turnip greens.

A French lady almost gets killed in a tsunami and is briefly dead. The actress that plays her has the most French name imaginable, Cécile de France. Unless you named her Baguette de Fancy Bicyclé, it doesn’t get much more French than that. She’s so French that even though her Wikipedia page is in English, the entry on her career makes a point of stressing that she studied art dramatique! Really, Wikipedia page? Not the dramatic arts? Even the character Amélie from the movie Amélie would read that and say, “Sacrebleu! This page, it is too French, even for me!”

Plus, there are two British twins and one of them dies. So the living twin is walking around a train station and the dead twin knocks the hat off his head and saves his life from a train bombing. Wait a minute, movie. You never said ghosts could manipulate hats! Also, all the dead people are over there in golden world standing up with no chairs to sit in at the Department of Waiting on Matt Damon, aka Hell. Do they have the ability to reach into our world and do whatever they want with our hats?

No wonder Matt Damon doesn’t want to talk to them anymore, they keep pushing our finest hats onto the dirty ground! Who wants to dust off their hard hat twenty times a day on their way to the world’s greatest factory that’s better than supernatural powers? Not Matt Damon, that’s for sure.

Clint Eastwood directed this movie instead of starring as Roland in the movie adaptation of Stephen King’s The Gunslinger, which is what he does in my head all the time. Even though he is a good director, I don’t think Clint Eastwood should be in charge of the afterlife. “So, Clint Eastwood- now that I’m dead, what’s there to do around here?” “Well, we have a bunch of fuzzy light on everything. And you can do whatever you want to anyone’s hat. Even Timothy Olyphant’s cowboy hat on the show Justified, which is only getting better in its second season.”

Oh, I almost got to the end of the review without mentioning Matt Damon’s sensible grey wool sweater! And I just did! So somber. Just a really serious piece of clothing. The end!