Denzel Washington and Chris Pine are two train conductors (engineers?) and they are like, “Trains! Get that coal lined up! Put the lead switch on the fifty yard line! You put twenty five train cars on this train instead of thirty?! That’s bad because of train law! Now the king of trains will smite you with his steam powered hammer!” There was a lot of train talk. I feel like I could drive a train after viewing Unstoppable. I certainly feel like I could stop a train.
It sure seems like a lot of equipment they had in place to stop the train in this movie did nothing to even slow the train down. Like the whole railroad’s backup plan was to put a couple of pillows and thick blankets on the tracks and hope for the best. I think at one point they put a scarecrow on the tracks so the train would get scared and turn around.
Also, as it turns out, people can put giant tanks of horrible chemicals on trains and nobody has any idea until the train is a runaway train. Hey- take my crazy hazardous materials, railroad! And the train company is all, “Put whatever you want on our big metal traveling death machine, it’s only tons and tons of potential murder. You want to put some babies up there while you’re at it?”
Whenever I think of trains, I think of the Monopoly guy (Mister Monopoly I think is his name?) buying up all the railroads and electric companies. Poor Monopoly Guy. He just wants to put a thimble on a dog and wear one shoe. Is Monopoly Guy supposed to represent everyone playing Monopoly, like the ghost of Monopoly? Or is he competing against all the players? Fight to the death for the Community Chest! To quote the band Morphine– do not go quietly unto your grave, Monopoly Man.
Anyway, Reading, Pennsylvania, B&O, and Short Line are all in danger unless Chris Pine and Denzel Washington get their act together and stop that train! I’m disappointed that at no point did they use “C’mon N’ Ride It (The Train)” by the Quad City DJ’s for the soundtrack. They should have at least remixed it and called it “C’mon N’ Stop It (The Train)”
Due to the fact that it stars Denzel Washington, would it be considered poor form to call this movie “Train-ing Day 2”? I put a hyphen in there so you would have no doubt it was a horrible pun, and maybe to enrage you a little. And that’s the end of the review!