Tag Archives: Comedian

Interview with Paul Scheer

Interview conducted via email.

SM: You’re the last surviving human getting ready to board a ship leaving Earth. What brief message would you leave behind?
PS: “Watch Gossip Girl every Wednesday Night at 9PM on the CW…Shit is it on Wednesday Night? I don’t know, I think it is…I DVR it, so I can watch it whenever. Damn. I should I have researched that before I made this final announcement. Anyway people of Earth goodbye.”

SM: Come to think of it, how did you manage to be the last surviving human?
PS: I made a backdoor deal with the aliens. I gave them all gift cards to the Olive Garden. They are suckers for unlimited breadsticks.

SM: When was the last time you dressed up for Halloween, and as what?
PS: Yesterday. Unfortunately it wasn’t Halloween. I dressed up like a sexy kitten. Meow!

SM: What was your most recent good deed?
PS: I created and produced NIGHT OF 140 TWEETS
a celebrity TWEET-A-THON for ARCHITECTURE FOR HUMANITY which includes performances by Ben Stiller,  Weird Al Yankovic, Diablo Cody, Sarah Silverman, Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, The Cast of Always Sunny and 140 more performers all reading their favorite tweets. You can actually download it on amazon and itunes. All the proceeds go to charity and Amazon also carries a special edition DVD which has appearances by Kevin Smith, Olivia Munn, Chris Hardwick, Questlove and Andy Cohen from Bravo.
So yeah. I’m helping people . What the fuck are you doing?

SM: When was the last time you had to wear a suit?
PS: When I had to perform a eulogy for Chester the Cheetah, he died of Cheese Poisoning.

SM: Where do you like to go to sort out your thoughts?
PS: Taco Bell.

SM: When was the last time you risked your life?
PS: Cereal or the board game?

SM: As Ludacris once remarked, ‘What in the world is in that bag, what you got in that bag?’
PS: A Pen, Some Pocket Lint and a Zune.

SM: If a wizard shrunk you down to the size of a green bean for 24 hours, how would you spend your day?
PS: Trying to jump into people’s salads and when they tried to eat me, I’d yell “MURDERER!”

SM: What is something you’d like people to know about you?
PS: That if it came down to it, I’d enter an arm wrestling competition to win back my son’s respect and love just like Slyvester Stallone did in Over the Top.

Paul Scheer’s website

Watchmen

This movie, which people said was “unfilmable”, sure did get filmed. I guess what they meant was if it did get filmed, it wouldn’t be any good. But it was good! So for the first time in the history of known civilization, someone said something was going to be bad and it turned out to be good.

Watchmen is about two generations of superheroes. Some of them have real supernatural powers and some of them just dress up and punch people. Even the non-powers having heroes are extraordinarily agile and strong. Nobody can take these guys in a fight, except in the fight against…moral complications and ethical quandaries!

Rorschach is sort of the main hero of the movie. He smells bad and eats beans! “Chomp chomp beans,” he says, “the whores and the politicians will ask me to save them and I’ll say no!” He wears a mask that’s always changing around. I kept trying to find his eyes and mouth in the shifting patterns. What if every once in a while the pattern lined up to look like a happy anime cat? I’d like that. I really really like his coat, but I guess you could never borrow it because it would stink, apparently.

Dr.Manhattan is a nuclear physicist (maybe?) who left his watch in an “Intrinsic Field Generator” and then went back inside to get it when the “Intrinsic Field Generator” had 45 seconds left before it went all blue lightning on everything. I get it, Dr.Manhattan- you wanted superpowers- there’s no need to “leave your watch” in the “Intrinsic Field Generator” so you can get “trapped” and develop “astounding abilities to manipulate time, space and matter”. He’s got a big blue body and doesn’t want to cover it up for anything except if he has to go to a television interview.

Ozymandias is the smartest man in the world. Everybody says it in the movie. “You can’t stop Ozymandias—he’s the world’s smartest man!” He also has an Ivy League haircut. Maybe that’s what they meant by world’s smartest man- he actually has the world’s smartest haircut. Oh and (Don’t read this if you haven’t seen the movie) he’s the villain. He has this big idea to get every world leader to come together against a common enemy- by framing Dr.Manhattan for annihilating citizens in every major city of the world. Well what if they hadn’t come together in unity? What if they still hated each other and now they also hate Dr.Manhattan? If two guys hate a third dude that means they can’t still hate each other?

Nite Owl is like Batman, but with an owl suit, striking fear into the hearts of criminals with the “Hoot! Hoot!” of justice. He doesn’t actually hoot though. Of all the crime-fighters in this movie, he is the most like a professor. He’s got a tweedy Ingmar Bergman/Woody Allen feel to him. Looks like he should be sipping on coffee all the time. Well, when he’s out of his suit, that is. When he suits up, you criminals better get ready for some REASONABLE TALK. And reasonable punches.

Silk Spectre is the lady of the group. The only person wearing less clothes than her is Dr.Manhattan. When she and Nite Owl break into a prison at one point in the movie, I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe she should cover up first. I know she can handle herself but lady this is a PRISON. I know they can’t take you in a fight but you know those prisoners are looking at you with their filthy prisoner thoughts.

And there’s The Comedian. He tried to rape the original Silk Spectre (the current Silk Spectre’s mother) his first month on the job. You know who would normally get fired from a group of superheros? A RAPIST. Why do they let him hang around? He and Dr.Manhattan went to win Vietnam together and (another spoiler here) he casually guns down a Vietnamese lady who was pregnant with his baby. Dr.Manhattan even stood around being blue letting it happen. Not cool. Watchmen- you need a human resources department. You don’t have to let just anybody in a costume into the club.

Watchmen is set in an alternate 1980s where Nixon got re-elected. Nixon in this movie has a gigantic nose, even bigger than the real Nixon. Maybe this is an alternate Nixon with a slightly bigger nose.

Speaking of alternate worlds, what if outer space is teeming with life and it’s really close but the reason scientists haven’t been able to detect it is because all the aliens just intercept their probes and send back false information? Dr.Manhattan builds a glass mansion on Mars when he gets sad about what he has to deal with on earth and it looks like a Christmas ball.

Merry Christmas!