Tag Archives: Comedians

Interview with Paul Scheer

Interview conducted via email.

SM: You’re the last surviving human getting ready to board a ship leaving Earth. What brief message would you leave behind?
PS: “Watch Gossip Girl every Wednesday Night at 9PM on the CW…Shit is it on Wednesday Night? I don’t know, I think it is…I DVR it, so I can watch it whenever. Damn. I should I have researched that before I made this final announcement. Anyway people of Earth goodbye.”

SM: Come to think of it, how did you manage to be the last surviving human?
PS: I made a backdoor deal with the aliens. I gave them all gift cards to the Olive Garden. They are suckers for unlimited breadsticks.

SM: When was the last time you dressed up for Halloween, and as what?
PS: Yesterday. Unfortunately it wasn’t Halloween. I dressed up like a sexy kitten. Meow!

SM: What was your most recent good deed?
PS: I created and produced NIGHT OF 140 TWEETS
a celebrity TWEET-A-THON for ARCHITECTURE FOR HUMANITY which includes performances by Ben Stiller,  Weird Al Yankovic, Diablo Cody, Sarah Silverman, Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, The Cast of Always Sunny and 140 more performers all reading their favorite tweets. You can actually download it on amazon and itunes. All the proceeds go to charity and Amazon also carries a special edition DVD which has appearances by Kevin Smith, Olivia Munn, Chris Hardwick, Questlove and Andy Cohen from Bravo.
So yeah. I’m helping people . What the fuck are you doing?

SM: When was the last time you had to wear a suit?
PS: When I had to perform a eulogy for Chester the Cheetah, he died of Cheese Poisoning.

SM: Where do you like to go to sort out your thoughts?
PS: Taco Bell.

SM: When was the last time you risked your life?
PS: Cereal or the board game?

SM: As Ludacris once remarked, ‘What in the world is in that bag, what you got in that bag?’
PS: A Pen, Some Pocket Lint and a Zune.

SM: If a wizard shrunk you down to the size of a green bean for 24 hours, how would you spend your day?
PS: Trying to jump into people’s salads and when they tried to eat me, I’d yell “MURDERER!”

SM: What is something you’d like people to know about you?
PS: That if it came down to it, I’d enter an arm wrestling competition to win back my son’s respect and love just like Slyvester Stallone did in Over the Top.

Paul Scheer’s website

Interview with Paul F Tompkins

Interview conducted via email.

SM: Please describe your most recent brush with danger.
PFT: I thought I was allergic to peanuts! False alarm. Totally psychosomatic. Now I eat peanuts by the shellful.

SM: Are you a good dancer? Please describe your style.
PFT: My dancing is not, how you say, so good. I only dance at weddings and only if I am sufficiently drunk. My style could best be described as Drunk Wedding, which also describes my martial arts fighting technique.

SM: When was the last time you had a memorable night in an unfamiliar city?
PFT: Oh, I’d have to say August 18th, 1999. I wandered the streets with two dear friends, passing a flask of fine old whiskey between us, talking of our hopes, fears and dreams, talking, laughing and, yes, even crying until the sun came up. Oh, and the city was THE LOST CITY OF ATLANTIS.

SM: If society encouraged men to wear make-up, how would you do yourself up?
PFT: Probably just a little lipstick, nothing too bold. I don’t need any eye makeup becaus I already have beautiful long lashes.

SM: What’s the craziest thing that ever happened to you at the beach?
PFT: I suffered a complete nervous breakdown. Pretty crazy!

SM: What was the first thing you thought when you woke up this morning?
PFT: “AGAIN with this.”

SM: What’s in your pockets right now?
PFT: A portal to Narnia. I think it’s Narnia? It  looks all fantasy-y and whatever.

SM: Are you king of anything?
PFT: Well, I will be, if I could ever get this goddam SWORD out of this goddam STONE. Who even put this thing in here? Did they have to put it in there that deep? Thanks a bunch, guy (or girl, shouldn’t be sexist).

SM: When was the last time you took a gamble on something?
PFT: What time did you send this email?

SM: How would you recommend we recognize you in the afterlife?
PFT: Oh, you won’t see me there. I got a “to-haunt” list that’s longer than your arm. People are gonna be SORRY.

paulftompkins.com
Paul’s album Freak Wharf on Itunes



Interview with Aziz Ansari • Comedian

SM: Please finish the following sentence: “The days, they go by like…”

AA: The days, they go by like.. years as I wait for Time Warner to fix my Internet in my new apartment, as I slowly devolve into madness hoping I can steal a small nugget of Internet from the Wi-Fi network titled ‘sambar.’

SM: What’s in your pockets right now?

AA: Wallet, blackberry, tiny joke notebook, keys.

SM: When was the last time you noticed something important about a stranger?

AA: When I was at a Chic-fil-a in Tennessee, I noticed that a young girl still had a “M” sticker on her shirt, unknowingly informing everyone she was wearing a medium shirt. I told her she liked like a fool, and she took it off.

SM: What’s your plan to get out of potential trouble when you are walking the street late at night?

AA: I’ll grab all the bills I have in my wallet, and toss them in the air and while the hoodlums are grabbing the cash I’ll run for cover. I carry a shit ton of cash all the time, so when I toss those bills up, it’ll act as a makeshift “money smokescreen” that will easily allow me to escape the criminal scum.

SM: Please regale us with an anecdote.

AA: I went to return some pillows at Crate and Barrel, because they were down feather pillows, and the feathers kept pricking me outside the pillow. It was a totally valid reason to switch the pillows to their down alternative line. However, I got to the customer service rep and started lying. I was like “Hey, I’d like to return these pillows…yeah, my wife was complaining about the feathers pricking her, so NOW she wants me to come here and switch em out.” (I’m not married, but my imaginary wife is apparently “A HUGE NAG!” and I treat her terribly at home probably. I’m a terrible imaginary husband.) And then the Crate and Barrel dude goes “Heh, I know the type… hey what’s her ethnicity?” Being that the wife was imaginary, I took way too long a pause before saying… “Asian.” The guy said “Oh.” I was bummed. I wanted to know what ethnicity I could have said to get the sexist stereotype he had stored in his head.

SM: What’s the most important item in your refrigerator?

AA: The only thing I own in my fridge right now is milk, so it’s most important by default.

SM: If you could shrink anything down to keychain size, what would be tethered to your keys?

AA: A tiny Chic-fil-a that I could expand to full normal size whenever I felt like eating Chic-Fil-A. For those not in the know, Chic-Fil-A is a kickass fast food chain specializing in chicken sandwiches and nuggets. They are predominantly located in the south and have yet to expand to LA or NY, where I spend most of my time. So, having it in that keychain version would kick ass. Although, it would make a very hard life for my employees, one minute being trapped in a keychain sized Chic-Fil-A, and the next second a full normal sized one. I guess they are trapped in the Chic-Fil-A anyway, so unless the expanding/shrinking process was painful, it would all be the same to them. Wait, I wouldn’t want to trap and enslave the Chic-Fil-A employees for eternity, so maybe its just some machine that lets me have Chic-Fil-A food whenever I want. I may have run a little too wild with this, given how crazy and “anything goes” my answer has gotten. I have the ability to break so many rules of reality and existence in this answer and all I’m getting out of it is some chicken. I should just switch my answer to “an everlasting supply of love and happiness” (which would include the Chic-fil-A anyway, as it is essential to my happiness).

SM: If you overheard your opponents talking about how they had to be careful because you had a regular hand and an “awesome” hand, what kind of hand would they be describing?

AA: I was a bit confused by this question, but after consulting dictionary.com, I now understand you mean hand under the definition of “talent or skill.” My regular hand is probably my knowledge of science and mathematics. My awesome hand is foosball. I fucking dominate in foosball. (I went to a high school for kids advanced in Science and Mathematics, but spent most of time dominating people in foosball.)

SM: Where do you think you’re going after this life?

AA: I would like to be reincarnated as Bear Ghrylls, host of TV’s “Man vs. Wild.”

SM: What’s your worst publicly acceptable habit?

AA: I’m afraid it’s the constant checking of Blackberry and I always leave my fly open, by accident, not on purpose.

SM: Please compose a haiku or short poem.

AA:
I am late for lunch.
I must leave now, so sorry.
Sorry, haiku sucked.

www.azizisbored.com
www.thehumangiant.com

Interviews With Comedians Andres du Bouchet & Anthony DeVito

Interview with Andres du Bouchet

SM: Do you know how to cook? My girlfriend says I will never be complete until I learn how to cook. Is this true?

ADB: I can cook, and indeed, I never felt complete until I learned how to cook. Because the thing I learned to cook was a NEW ARM FOR MYSELF SINCE I LOST MY ARM IN THAT TERRIBLE PLAY-DOH ACCIDENT WHEN I WAS A CHILD!!!

SM: When you find yourself in a crowd of people, what do you look for first?

ADB: Some sort of a slide or chute, or a trap door. Or a rope ladder dangling from a hot air balloon, or perhaps a catapult or a pair of spring-loaded shoes, or a supercharged po-go stick, or maybe even a giant friendly moth. Heck, even an unfriendly moth that can’t shake me off. As long as it can flutter me away from the crowd.

SM: Please describe how you feel others see you when they meet you for the first time.

ADB: Stooped, surly, awkward, burly, and probably eating something. Definitely drinking something.

SM: How would you prefer people address you if your given name was not an option?

ADB: Captain Manman: Overlord of the Testosterzone!

SM: Please describe an impressionable moment from the last month.

ADB: My friend Mark did an awesome impression of Wilford Brimley, except homophobic and with a foul mouth.

SM: If you wore the lyrics to a song around your neck for a year, what would those lyrics be?

ADB: “You can spend your time alone, redigesting past regrets,
or you can come to terms and realize
you’re the only one who can’t forgive yourself
makes much more sense to live in the present tense”

SM: If you were crowned king today, what would you be crowned king of?

ADB: Potential.

SM: If someone was trying to steal something from you (besides money), what would they likely be trying to take?

ADB: my good will

SM: When you hear the words,”city life”, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?

ADB: Drunken 3am snarfing down of Ben & Jerry’s while sending e-mails I’ll regret.

SM: Please compose a haiku on the subject of your choosing.

ADB:
i am the monster
hiding underneath your bed
pass down the cookies

www.andresdubouchet.com

Interview with Anthony DeVito

SM: Do you know how to sow? My girlfriend says I will never be complete until I learn how to sow. Is this true?

AD: It must be true, for 2 reasons. Firstly, girlfriends are never wrong, especially when it comes to pointing out gaping holes in their gentlemen. And B, I’ve been reaping like a maniac my whole life. Reap, reap, reap, ever since I was a kid. And I have zero to show for it. Why, because I never learned how to sow. I feel awful now.

SM: When you find yourself alone on a cold and overcast day, how do you pass the hours?

AD: This is an easy one, as I’ve had lots of practice. Usually, I’ll wander the city, pretending I’m on my way to meet Julia Roberts at that little café where we first met. You see, I bumped into her by accident and some of her latte splashed onto my great vintage overcoat. The witty verbal jousting that followed made me realize she was the one. I’ll often crank up Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” on my iPod mini (now discontinued) to help me along. Although I hate the part when she dies at the end, leaving me to bravely raise our little daughter Zoe alone. As long as we remember her, she’s not really gone.

SM: Do you have a favorite hour in the day?

AD: Do I have a favorite hour? Uh, ever hear of QUITTIN’ TIME?? Man, I cannot WAIT when that whistle blows so I can get the hell outta InvoiceCo (we make Invoices and Invoicing Supplies; I work in billing) and get my crazy ass down to P.J. Drinkington’s! It’s in the lobby of our building, and man do they know me there! WOO! Free wings! Whitesnake and Creed on the CD Jukebox! Sports! Does life get any better than this?

SM: How would you prefer people address you if your given name was not an option?

AD: If I could, I’d have one way for people I like and another for people I don’t. People I like could call me something that made them happy or that they were into. Like, “Hey, Downloading Music (me), could you help me get my leg out of this bobcat trap?” or “Yo, Lord of the Rings (me), I saw you do standup last week and you were really great.” That way, they’re talking to me and also giving me an idea of what to get them for their birthday. People I dislike would have to smack themselves in the face hard enough to get those red finger marks on their cheek. They would point to this in place of my name. This would please me, and also make them think long and hard about “addressing” me in the first place. Win-Win, they call it.

SM: Please describe an impressionable moment from adolescence.

AD: So many to choose from. World-class acne, Catholic School, getting mugged at gunpoint at 14 (it’s okay Brooklyn, I forgive you), the UFO abductions (yeah, “Sleep Paralysis” my ass)… but I keep coming back to the moment when I finally admitted to myself that my ethnic hair would never do any of the things that Duran Duran’s hair did. Getting okay with that was a huge step forward for me. You have to accept yourself for who you are, at least until you can afford the surgery. A full set of DaVinci porcelain veneers can erase a lifetime of hurt.

SM: Please describe a favorite article of clothing.

A: I’ve always been partial to my giant red codpiece. I got it on ebay and the seller said it was the actual one worn by Cameo’s Larry Blackmon in the video for “Just Like Candy.” I wasn’t exaggerating when I left the positive feedback “Great Transaction! A+++++++++++++!”

I also can’t live without my “skinny jeans.” I know, I’m a nut!

SM: If you were crowned king today, what would you be crowned king of?

AD: I have this thing about dogs. I love them (some say too much) and most of them feel the same about me. So I would be crowned “King Of All Puppies” and I would greet my subjects with a hearty “Who’s a boy?? Yes you are! OojaboojaBOY!” Actually, I already do that every time I see a dog— I call it Canine Tourette’s. Still, it would be nice to have the title. I could park anywhere.

SM: If you were jailed for theft tomorrow, what would you likely have stolen?

AD: A few precious moments with Lady Radcliffe. For though I am of quite humble birth and could never hope to inhabit her world, my heart burns with the heat of a thousand suns whenever I see her upon her steed Mephisto. And when she returns to her stables from a day of riding, I am there, ever hopeful to feel even a small wisp of her sweet breath as I help her dismount. Our eyes lock, and it is then that I know she indeed shares my most secret desire. But it can never be, as she is betrothed to that cur Lord Higginbottom, whom I would surely thrash if it would not mean my banishment from the manor and my Lady’s angelic visage.

SM: When you hear the words, “slow infatuation”, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?

AD: To be honest, kidnapping. That probably means something bad, but that’s literally what popped into my head. But not the kind that ends with the cops finding a head in a box. I mean SEXY kidnapping, where a spoiled rich girl is held for ransom, but the guy isn’t really bad, just misguided, and he’s just getting back at her evil father for destroying his family’s small fleet of fishing boats in the name of profit. Of course, she hates the guy at first, but eventually she comes to realize that “Daddy“ isn’t the kind of man she always thought he was. Then they do it.

SM: Please compose a haiku on the subject of your choosing.

AD:
Commercial go-sees
Remind me I’m a big wop
“Sorry, too swarthy.”

www.anthonydevito.com

Interview with Val Kappa • Comedian

SM: If you were to illustrate a river with a secret in it, what would you be sure to include in the drawing?

VK: I would draw a river with an empty canoe floating on it. To the side of the river would stand an octopus gazing at the canoe through a large magnifying glass that he would be holding in one of his tentacles which for some reason appears to have a hand at the end of it.
I’m pretty sure that’s what I’d include.

SM: If you woke up tomorrow and found that you had been transformed into a tree, who would you prefer to sit in your shade?

VK: I would prefer Prince to sit in the shade. I of course realize that it would be hard to get Prince. But I’m sure he would return my phone call when I left a message on his voicemail and explained to him how I had just turned into a tree.
He would probably call me right back and be like, “I’m so there. And if it rains I’ll be sure to sing Purple Rain.”

SM: Please recommend a good line to begin a detective novel with.

VK: Trixie adjusted his bra strap and put on a fresh coat of lip gloss, because that’s what he always did before investigating a crime scene.

SM: When was the last time you were drawn to an unfamiliar building?

VK: Last week. I wasn’t drawn in though. I just kind of walked into the wrong building, and it took me awhile to figure out that I was in the wrong building.

SM: Please describe an impressionable moment from adolescence.

VK: In junior high I got contact lenses. And I was psyched to show up at school wearing them because the glasses I used to wear at that time were huuuuuge. So this was major stuff.
Someone in my class who was a lot more talkative than me kept saying,
“Wow Val you sure talk a lot now that you wear contacts.”
Which isn’t a bad thing to say to someone but they kept saying it over and over. So it kind of turned into something that I thought was bad. And also something that just made me really angry.
After awhile of them saying that to me over and over I found myself giving them a really hard bitch slap across the face.
It was an intense moment, and an intense bitch slap.
They had to back away from me to kind of recover from it.
Everyone in my class was really surprised because I had barely talked all year. I had always sat silently in the back. Then all of a sudden one day I showed up without my glasses and bitch slapped someone.
My reaction to the bitch slap incident was to start crying and go to the school nurse and pretend I was sick and get dismissed from school.
In conclusion:
I don’t wear contact lenses anymore.
That’s a story I like to call: The Day the Quiet Girl Made Some Noise

SM: If we scheduled you to lecture to a packed auditorium of everyone you will ever meet in your life, what topic would you choose to lecture on?

VK: I would reenact my 7th grade gymnastics routine from gym class. Just like in 7th grade I would enter the auditorium to Paula Abdul’s song, “Opposites Attract”, then proceed to do a series of forward and backward somersaults accompanied by a lot of arm waving.
I’m not sure what I’d lecture about after doing that though.
I’m just pretty sure that that’s how I’d kick off the lecture.
But don’t hold me on it!

SM: What are you willing to make other people wait for?

VK: Astronaut Ice Cream

SM: What do you think strangers see when they meet you for the first time?

VK: A nerd who looks lost and needs directions.

SM: What do you consider to be the funniest thing you know?

VK: Repeatedly writing the word “Cock” in someone’s opened notebook when they are turned away from it, and then acting like you don’t know who wrote it when they angrily say, “Who keeps writing ‘Cock’ on my notebook?!”.

SM: Please compose a brief poem or haiku on the subject of your choosing.

VK: Here’s an excerpt of something I wrote in high school:
Finesse, Finesse
Oh no, oh no
Pert Plus, Pert Plus
Just wash and go

www.valkappa.blogspot.com

Interview with Christian Finnegan • Comedian

SM: When was the last time you found yourself stranded somewhere, and how did you get un-stranded?

CF: Being a stand up comic, I get stranded in hour-long conversations with social misfits and/or potential psychopaths at least once a month. The comedy community is populated with a disproportionately large number of people who creep out members of the opposite sex and routinely bring friendly conversations to an awkward, grinding halt. And for some reason, these people are drawn to me like drooling infants to a set of car keys. Maybe it’s because I’m not very good at inventing reasons to excuse myself from unwanted conversations. I think the excuse one I tried went something like, “Hey man, hold that thought. No, really-I’m totally interested in hearing why you want to have sex with Strawberry Shortcake. I just need to go…um…I think I just contracted bone cancer.”

Anyway, I’ve found that the best way of getting un-stranded in this situation is to passive-aggressively address it in an online interview and then hope that certain people read it.

SM: When was the last time you danced like you meant it?

CF: I’m not big on the whole dancing thing. Not by choice, really-it’s a matter of my chemical makeup. You see, I have a theory that every person in the world has his or her own internal “dance threshold”-a specific level of stimulus which, once met, compels you to begin shaking your booty. For some people, a well-liked pop song playing on the radio is enough to do the trick. Gay men and junior high girls, for instance, tend to have relatively low dance thresholds. I’m on the other end of that spectrum. My Dance Threshold is just shy of Stephen Hawking’s.

SM: Please create a fantastical creature for you to ride around on, and give it a name befitting it.

CF: Allow me to introduce my faithful steed, DJ Thunderhoof. He’s a centaur-you know, half man, half horse? He was given to me as a gift after I vanquished the evil wizard Mixmelm from the forests of Gorrhyllm (he was just “Thunderhoof” back then). Sadly, DJ Thunderhoof is not nearly so interested in his mythological duties, now that he’s found work as a turntablist in a ‘nü metal’ band.

SM: Given that a big hypothetical prom is happening next week, whom will you ask to accompany you, and why?

CF: Strawberry Shortcake. Duh.

SM: Please add an anecdote to our growing collection.

CF: I recently performed at Fresno State and, sitting across the aisle on the puddle-jumper from Los Angeles to Fresno, was legendary crooner and national treasure Tony Bennett. I have no idea why Tony Bennett would need to take a thirty-five seat, coach-only glorified prop plane with the rest of us common folk, but there he was. Even cooler, he was dressed in an expensive suit, with a ruby red pocket square and slightly-too-large-for-his-face tinted sunglasses. I like it when celebrities go the extra mile to be who they “are” in public, even if it means sacrificing a bit of comfort. You think Tony Bennett, you think classy suit and pocket square–to see him farting around in sweat pants and a Cookie Puss t-shirt would just seem…I don’t know, not right.

Seeing Tony Bennett look so “Tony Bennett” made me think maybe I should cultivate a “look”. Here are some ideas I’ve been batting around:

* Urban Pirate
* Breakdancing Satanist
* Faggy Spaceman
* Hooker with a Heart of Gold
* Native American Jello Wrestler
* Lobster Boy Chic
* Grunge Barrister
* Stroke Victim Nouveau
* “Brendan”, that neighborhood kid who tortures small animals

SM: What do you think would be a good opening line for a book of haikus?

CF: Well, being a book of haikus, the opening line would have to be just five syllables. I know that because I’m a very literate and sensitive person. I have what you might call an “old soul”. I don’t know, I just feel things more deeply than other people-always have. And to me, nothing expresses the tragic beauty of the human experience like a well-constructed haiku. Here’s one I’ve just now come up with:

Bird rests on flower
A morning whispers its song
Whoops, I just farted

SM: Please describe a location that you’ve only seen once but have spoken about many times.

CF: Last year, I spent one pleasant afternoon wandering around the world famous San Diego Zoo, home of renowned late night talk show guest Jack Hannah, if I’m not mistaken. The main thing I noticed about this climate-controlled, wheelchair accessible safari was that the “wild” animals in the are notably more civilized than the human beings paying to look at them. The various rhinos, gazelles and giant anteaters seem to have a decidedly laidback attitude about life–they’re not out to impress anyone and they certainly don’t feel the need to draw attention to themselves. The humans, on the other hand, tend to act like complete morons. From a sociological standpoint, I think watching an African warthog casually mill around in a pile of hay doesn’t provide nearly the intellectual appeal as watching a pudgy, fanny-packed housewife scream obscenities at her children from 75 yards away, while simultaneously trying to operate a camcorder and eat an ice cream cone. And the thousands of rampaging children are even worse. The run around unsupervised, throw shit at each other, violently bang on the glass to try and get attention–in short, acting like monkeys. But actually, now that I’ve been to the zoo and actually seen the animals do their thing, I can say that to compare children to monkeys is an egregious insult to monkeys. No, the monkeys were not jumping around like howling mongoloids, they pretty much just sat there, eating, sleeping, and occasionally pulling clumps of crap from their ratty hair. In this, it seems to me that monkeys are not unlike potheads.

SM: If you were to illustrate your great great grandson facing his arch-nemesis, how would you render this most unusual circumstance?

CF: In the piece, my great great grandson, Fletcher Ramirez Boudoin Finnegan would stand triumphantly above his vanquished foe, ready to plunge a light saber (they won’t call it a “light saber”, due to trademark infringement, but for all intents and purposes it’s a light saber) into his chest. And above the brave young lad’s head, a word bubble reading, “Make peace with thy maker, Jimmy Fallon IV!”

SM: If you were heard to exclaim, “There’s that thing I was telling you about!”, what would you most likely be pointing at?

CF: Punani.

SM: Please describe an impressionable moment from your childhood.

CF: Every spring in grade school, we’d have what was called a “Field Day”, where all of the students would compete in decathlon-style events (although, if I’m not mistaken, the “Old Clothes Race” was recently removed from Olympic competition). Despite my very rather established reputation as a dork, I saw Field Day as an opportunity for me to boost my stature among my fourth grade classmates. The problem was, I had very little in the way of clean laundry on that particular day. This was a real problem, as one’s Field Day outfit was of the utmost importance. After trying on several different combinations, I found myself wearing a pair of extremely high-cut purple shorts with white piping-like Bruce Jenner wore, or so I told myself. Up top, I wore a green camouflage t-shirt that, looking back, was just a wee bit too snug (even then, I was what a clothier might call “husky”). But as I stood there, studying myself in the mirror, I remember thinking, “Hmm. A bold choice, this ensemble. Maybe this is exactly kind of thing that will blow everyone away. Yes, no doubt about it: I look awesome.”

It took only me stepping onto the school bus to know I’d made a grave error in judgment. Apparently, I did not look awesome. What I looked like, according to my bus mates, was a word that my guidance counselor later told me meant ‘a bundle of sticks’. But the image that will forever haunt me is the look of withering disdain I got from a popular girl, whose opinion of me mattered for some reason I cannot now fathom. When she spotted me in my purple shorts/snug camouflage shirt combo, Jen Gardner gave me a look that said something to the effect of, “It’s not that just that you’re a loser. It’s that I’ve always suspected you were a loser, and now you’ve finally proven it to the world.”

P.S. For the record, I was able to shake off the ego bruising long enough to snag 3rd Place in the Egg Toss.

Interview w/ Brendon Small •Comedian, Writer/Co-Creator of “Home Movies”

SM: If we gave you a sackful of money and a pointy hat made of newspaper, how would you spend the rest of the day?

BS: Oh that’s easy. First I’d get a money stack organizer. Then I’d get my weener “taken care of”. After that I’d get calf implants in my pecs and vice versa. Then I’d exchange murders with a train stranger and finish the day with stabbing myself in the heart with my pointy hat.

SM: If you were a blues musician living in the Depression-era dust-bowl, what would be some of the titles of your songs?

BS: Oddly enough my senior thesis at music school was an odd collection of crappy pieces one was an instrumental blues tune called “Blue Honkey”. That’s a true story. Aren’t I great?
But here’s a list of depression era blues titles:
Blue Faggot
Double Ended Blues Dildo
I Got Murdered By A Jackoff Master On The Loose Blues
and finally
Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself Blues

SM: Please tell us something you want to know but haven’t found out yet.

BS: I’d like to know what that waiter mumbled to me, smirked, gave me my food and giggled and skipped off. What was he saying?

SM: What is your initial reaction to the sound of a needle dropping onto a record?

BS: “Murdering time.”

SM: Please regale us with an anecdote.

BS: One time I did this thing, evvvverybody was there and they loved it. I was at the what do you call it place. I couldn’t begin to try to recreate it. Though I’ll tell you I was smashing! People in Canada know that story!!!!!

SM: What was the last circumstance in which you found yourself that required adrenaline?

BS: Performing comedy.

SM: What was the last circumstance in which you found yourself that required intense concentration?

BS: A terrible audition for a fake reality show.

SM: If animals were guitars, what animal would you like to play?

BS: A newt or a squirrel, possibly a german guy. Haven’t made my mind up.

SM: If we were sending a treasure chest to the bottom of the ocean, what would you want to put in it?

BS: Milk and flowers. Simple and easy. Next question?

SM: Please recommend a way for us to recognize you in the land of sleep and dreaming.

BS: I’ll look much like Walter and Perry.

www.brendonsmall.com

Interview w/ Todd Barry • Comedian

SM: What sort of pirate would you be?

TB: Hmmm. I’ve never given this any thought. I don’t really know much about pirates, or pirate culture. Pirates…hmmm. They’re the people that do the “rrrrr” thing, right? I’d be the pirate who refuses to do the “rrrrr” thing. A contrarian pirate.

SM: Sometimes Buddha is portrayed as a somber and slender fellow intent on meditation, other times as a rotund smiling man bent on indulgence. Why do you suppose that is?

TB: Buddha, much like everyone else has good and bad days. Meditation is a blast, but sometimes you just want to kick bag with a bag of Doritos, a vodka and Red Bull (in a tall glass), listening to that killer Bright Eyes bootleg you borrowed from your friend Tommy!

SM: What were you doing around this time of year a decade ago?

TB: Same thing I’m doing now: TRAVELING THE WORLD RIPPING ROOMS APART WITH MY STUPENDOUS COMEDY!

SM: When was the last time a stranger yelled at you, and what did they yell?

TB: I assume you mean any sort of yelling, not necessarily a scolding. Probably something along the lines of “yo comedian!” I really can’t remember any recent yelling. But who knows what the future holds?!!!

SM: What was the most recent circumstance in a dream you had that left you completely baffled?

TB: A trait of mine that I’m particularly proud of is my reluctance to share my dreams with anyone. The only time I make an exception to this is if the dream involved the person I’m talking to.

SM: Do you have an arch-nemesis?

TB: I do, but I ain’t telling. Now everyone reading this is paranoid: “Holy shit! I might be Todd Barry’s arch nemesis!”

SM: What’s in your pockets right now?

TB: Keys to my apartment, my home comedy studio, and my comedy editing suite.

SM: What sort of cowboy would you be?

TB: Cowboys? Hmmm. They’re the one who go “rrrrr,” right?

SM: When was the last time you found yourself on the roof of a building?

TB: People in New York love having roof parties. “Hey everyone, let’s get drunk and stand around on my warped, unbarricaded roof! It will be dark out, so you won’t see the person you’re talking to! But we’ll be on the roof!!!!!”

SM: Regale us, please, with an anecdote.

TB: I once found a dirty syringe in my seat pocket on a flight to Denver. I know that’s not a fully realized anecdote but it’s all I’ve got now.

Todd’s new CD, “Falling Off the Bone” comes out Jan. 25th, on Comedy Central records.

www.toddbarry.com

Interview w/ Maria Bamford

SM: Please create a fantastical creature for you to ride around on, and give it a name befitting it.

MB: A cloud of white Fur named Rajive.

SM: When was the last time you climbed a ladder?

MB: I climbed on my bed to examine my beeping fire detector several times a night for the past two weeks. My neighbor took it down for me yesterday and now it beeps from within a closet.

SM: Please recommend a four-word combination to banish ghosts.

MB: Be gone undead spirit!

SM: What is a circumstance that you’d like to find yourself in?

MB: In a yuppie hippie sustainable living compound/condo that has solar powered cable TV.

SM: Given that a big hypothetical prom is happening next week, whom will you ask to accompany you?

MB: My dog Blossom.

SM: Please describe an activity at which you are not very good, but that you hope to eventually be good at.

MB: Parliamentary debate and/or dealing with hecklers.

SM: Please describe an area of expertise you are willing to feign knowing something about to strangers

MB: Relationships.

SM: What is your first reaction to a roomful of strangers?.

MB: Hopeful panic.

SM: If animals could speak, what animals would you ask for advice, and why?

MB: Any animal on the Pet Psychic on how to get into showbiz.>

SM: What was your last encounter with a lunatic?

MB: The mentally ill surround me from within and without.

www.mariabamford.com

Interview w/Bob Odenkirk – Director, Melvin Goes to Dinner – Comedian, Mr.Show

SM: When was the last time you went on something you feel comfortable calling an adventure?

BO: Last night when I went home tired as shit, and I knew I was going to have to/get to clean the house and put the kids to bed without any help (my wife was out). How would I survive? Would it be pleasant? Would I break down and start yelling? What would go wrong? It was very challenging and exciting. A test of my patience, my fortitude.

SM: If you had locks on all your doors that could only be opened by speaking a four word combination out loud, what four words would you pick to say every day to get into your house?

BO: Open up Dammit. Fuck!

SM: What do you think would be a good opening line for a detective novel?

BO: “Women kill me.”

SM: What is one thing you are sure of?

BO: I will never finish my “great” detective novel.

SM: Regale us, please, with an anecdote.

BO: One time I was in Chicago, waiting tables at a cheezy restaurant and I really resented it, then a little later I was a writer on a national TV show in New York and I was unbelievably depressed and alone, and then, after that, I was in Los Angeles and working on a million different things and had kids and a wife, and while not entirely happy, I was closer to happiness than ever before. You shoulda been there.

SM: What joke would you tell the devil at a party in hell?

BO: Hey, man, who’s in charge of this dump? I got a couple complaints.

SM: When was the last time you danced like you meant it?

BO: Probably at a wedding. I don’t dance much. But when I do, I mean it. Pathetic as that may be.

SM: Barring their name or profession, what’s one of the first things you try to learn about someone after meeting them?

BO: Are you still tight with your family?

SM: Some lunatic on the street has stolen your ice cream cone right out of your hand and run up a tree with it. How do you get your ice cream back?

BO: There is no clever answer. You scramble up the tree, and you punch, kick, bite and tear at that asshole until he gives it up.

SM: Please compose a haiku on a subject of your choosing.

BO:
UNSATISFIED

Five syllables is
Less than Seven and five more
is still not enough

Fuck, you got me to write a fucking haiku.

Bastards.

www.bobanddavid.com