Tag Archives: Comedians

Interview with Paul Scheer

Interview conducted via email.

SM: You’re the last surviving human getting ready to board a ship leaving Earth. What brief message would you leave behind?
PS: “Watch Gossip Girl every Wednesday Night at 9PM on the CW…Shit is it on Wednesday Night? I don’t know, I think it is…I DVR it, so I can watch it whenever. Damn. I should I have researched that before I made this final announcement. Anyway people of Earth goodbye.”

SM: Come to think of it, how did you manage to be the last surviving human?
PS: I made a backdoor deal with the aliens. I gave them all gift cards to the Olive Garden. They are suckers for unlimited breadsticks.

SM: When was the last time you dressed up for Halloween, and as what?
PS: Yesterday. Unfortunately it wasn’t Halloween. I dressed up like a sexy kitten. Meow!

SM: What was your most recent good deed?
PS: I created and produced NIGHT OF 140 TWEETS
a celebrity TWEET-A-THON for ARCHITECTURE FOR HUMANITY which includes performances by Ben Stiller,  Weird Al Yankovic, Diablo Cody, Sarah Silverman, Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, The Cast of Always Sunny and 140 more performers all reading their favorite tweets. You can actually download it on amazon and itunes. All the proceeds go to charity and Amazon also carries a special edition DVD which has appearances by Kevin Smith, Olivia Munn, Chris Hardwick, Questlove and Andy Cohen from Bravo.
So yeah. I’m helping people . What the fuck are you doing?

SM: When was the last time you had to wear a suit?
PS: When I had to perform a eulogy for Chester the Cheetah, he died of Cheese Poisoning.

SM: Where do you like to go to sort out your thoughts?
PS: Taco Bell.

SM: When was the last time you risked your life?
PS: Cereal or the board game?

SM: As Ludacris once remarked, ‘What in the world is in that bag, what you got in that bag?’
PS: A Pen, Some Pocket Lint and a Zune.

SM: If a wizard shrunk you down to the size of a green bean for 24 hours, how would you spend your day?
PS: Trying to jump into people’s salads and when they tried to eat me, I’d yell “MURDERER!”

SM: What is something you’d like people to know about you?
PS: That if it came down to it, I’d enter an arm wrestling competition to win back my son’s respect and love just like Slyvester Stallone did in Over the Top.

Paul Scheer’s website

Interview with Paul F Tompkins

Interview conducted via email.

SM: Please describe your most recent brush with danger.
PFT: I thought I was allergic to peanuts! False alarm. Totally psychosomatic. Now I eat peanuts by the shellful.

SM: Are you a good dancer? Please describe your style.
PFT: My dancing is not, how you say, so good. I only dance at weddings and only if I am sufficiently drunk. My style could best be described as Drunk Wedding, which also describes my martial arts fighting technique.

SM: When was the last time you had a memorable night in an unfamiliar city?
PFT: Oh, I’d have to say August 18th, 1999. I wandered the streets with two dear friends, passing a flask of fine old whiskey between us, talking of our hopes, fears and dreams, talking, laughing and, yes, even crying until the sun came up. Oh, and the city was THE LOST CITY OF ATLANTIS.

SM: If society encouraged men to wear make-up, how would you do yourself up?
PFT: Probably just a little lipstick, nothing too bold. I don’t need any eye makeup becaus I already have beautiful long lashes.

SM: What’s the craziest thing that ever happened to you at the beach?
PFT: I suffered a complete nervous breakdown. Pretty crazy!

SM: What was the first thing you thought when you woke up this morning?
PFT: “AGAIN with this.”

SM: What’s in your pockets right now?
PFT: A portal to Narnia. I think it’s Narnia? It  looks all fantasy-y and whatever.

SM: Are you king of anything?
PFT: Well, I will be, if I could ever get this goddam SWORD out of this goddam STONE. Who even put this thing in here? Did they have to put it in there that deep? Thanks a bunch, guy (or girl, shouldn’t be sexist).

SM: When was the last time you took a gamble on something?
PFT: What time did you send this email?

SM: How would you recommend we recognize you in the afterlife?
PFT: Oh, you won’t see me there. I got a “to-haunt” list that’s longer than your arm. People are gonna be SORRY.

paulftompkins.com
Paul’s album Freak Wharf on Itunes



Interview with Aziz Ansari • Comedian

SM: Please finish the following sentence: “The days, they go by like…”

AA: The days, they go by like.. years as I wait for Time Warner to fix my Internet in my new apartment, as I slowly devolve into madness hoping I can steal a small nugget of Internet from the Wi-Fi network titled ‘sambar.’

SM: What’s in your pockets right now?

AA: Wallet, blackberry, tiny joke notebook, keys.

SM: When was the last time you noticed something important about a stranger?

AA: When I was at a Chic-fil-a in Tennessee, I noticed that a young girl still had a “M” sticker on her shirt, unknowingly informing everyone she was wearing a medium shirt. I told her she liked like a fool, and she took it off.

SM: What’s your plan to get out of potential trouble when you are walking the street late at night?

AA: I’ll grab all the bills I have in my wallet, and toss them in the air and while the hoodlums are grabbing the cash I’ll run for cover. I carry a shit ton of cash all the time, so when I toss those bills up, it’ll act as a makeshift “money smokescreen” that will easily allow me to escape the criminal scum.

SM: Please regale us with an anecdote.

AA: I went to return some pillows at Crate and Barrel, because they were down feather pillows, and the feathers kept pricking me outside the pillow. It was a totally valid reason to switch the pillows to their down alternative line. However, I got to the customer service rep and started lying. I was like “Hey, I’d like to return these pillows…yeah, my wife was complaining about the feathers pricking her, so NOW she wants me to come here and switch em out.” (I’m not married, but my imaginary wife is apparently “A HUGE NAG!” and I treat her terribly at home probably. I’m a terrible imaginary husband.) And then the Crate and Barrel dude goes “Heh, I know the type… hey what’s her ethnicity?” Being that the wife was imaginary, I took way too long a pause before saying… “Asian.” The guy said “Oh.” I was bummed. I wanted to know what ethnicity I could have said to get the sexist stereotype he had stored in his head.

SM: What’s the most important item in your refrigerator?

AA: The only thing I own in my fridge right now is milk, so it’s most important by default.

SM: If you could shrink anything down to keychain size, what would be tethered to your keys?

AA: A tiny Chic-fil-a that I could expand to full normal size whenever I felt like eating Chic-Fil-A. For those not in the know, Chic-Fil-A is a kickass fast food chain specializing in chicken sandwiches and nuggets. They are predominantly located in the south and have yet to expand to LA or NY, where I spend most of my time. So, having it in that keychain version would kick ass. Although, it would make a very hard life for my employees, one minute being trapped in a keychain sized Chic-Fil-A, and the next second a full normal sized one. I guess they are trapped in the Chic-Fil-A anyway, so unless the expanding/shrinking process was painful, it would all be the same to them. Wait, I wouldn’t want to trap and enslave the Chic-Fil-A employees for eternity, so maybe its just some machine that lets me have Chic-Fil-A food whenever I want. I may have run a little too wild with this, given how crazy and “anything goes” my answer has gotten. I have the ability to break so many rules of reality and existence in this answer and all I’m getting out of it is some chicken. I should just switch my answer to “an everlasting supply of love and happiness” (which would include the Chic-fil-A anyway, as it is essential to my happiness).

SM: If you overheard your opponents talking about how they had to be careful because you had a regular hand and an “awesome” hand, what kind of hand would they be describing?

AA: I was a bit confused by this question, but after consulting dictionary.com, I now understand you mean hand under the definition of “talent or skill.” My regular hand is probably my knowledge of science and mathematics. My awesome hand is foosball. I fucking dominate in foosball. (I went to a high school for kids advanced in Science and Mathematics, but spent most of time dominating people in foosball.)

SM: Where do you think you’re going after this life?

AA: I would like to be reincarnated as Bear Ghrylls, host of TV’s “Man vs. Wild.”

SM: What’s your worst publicly acceptable habit?

AA: I’m afraid it’s the constant checking of Blackberry and I always leave my fly open, by accident, not on purpose.

SM: Please compose a haiku or short poem.

AA:
I am late for lunch.
I must leave now, so sorry.
Sorry, haiku sucked.

www.azizisbored.com
www.thehumangiant.com