Interview with Paul Scheer

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Interview conducted via email.

SM: You’re the last surviving human getting ready to board a ship leaving Earth. What brief message would you leave behind?
PS: “Watch Gossip Girl every Wednesday Night at 9PM on the CW…Shit is it on Wednesday Night? I don’t know, I think it is…I DVR it, so I can watch it whenever. Damn. I should I have researched that before I made this final announcement. Anyway people of Earth goodbye.”

SM: Come to think of it, how did you manage to be the last surviving human?
PS: I made a backdoor deal with the aliens. I gave them all gift cards to the Olive Garden. They are suckers for unlimited breadsticks.

SM: When was the last time you dressed up for Halloween, and as what?
PS: Yesterday. Unfortunately it wasn’t Halloween. I dressed up like a sexy kitten. Meow!

SM: What was your most recent good deed?
PS: I created and produced NIGHT OF 140 TWEETS a celebrity TWEET-A-THON for […]

Interview with Paul F Tompkins

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Interview conducted via email.

SM: Please describe your most recent brush with danger.
PFT: I thought I was allergic to peanuts! False alarm. Totally psychosomatic. Now I eat peanuts by the shellful.

SM: Are you a good dancer? Please describe your style.
PFT: My dancing is not, how you say, so good. I only dance at weddings and only if I am sufficiently drunk. My style could best be described as Drunk Wedding, which also describes my martial arts fighting technique.

SM: When was the last time you had a memorable night in an unfamiliar city?
PFT: Oh, I’d have to say August 18th, 1999. I wandered the streets with two dear friends, passing a flask of fine old whiskey between us, talking of our hopes, fears and dreams, talking, laughing and, yes, even crying until the sun came up. Oh, and the city was THE LOST CITY OF ATLANTIS.

SM: If society encouraged men to wear make-up, how would you do […]

Interview with Aziz Ansari • Comedian

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SM: Please finish the following sentence: “The days, they go by like…”

AA: The days, they go by like.. years as I wait for Time Warner to fix my Internet in my new apartment, as I slowly devolve into madness hoping I can steal a small nugget of Internet from the Wi-Fi network titled ‘sambar.’

SM: What’s in your pockets right now?

AA: Wallet, blackberry, tiny joke notebook, keys.

SM: When was the last time you noticed something important about a stranger?

AA: When I was at a Chic-fil-a in Tennessee, I noticed that a young girl still had a “M” sticker on her shirt, unknowingly informing everyone she was wearing a medium shirt. I told her she liked like a fool, and she took it off.

SM: What’s your plan to get out of potential trouble when you are walking the street late at night?

AA: I’ll grab all the bills I have in my wallet, and toss them in the […]

Interviews With Comedians Andres du Bouchet & Anthony DeVito

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Interview with Andres du Bouchet

SM: Do you know how to cook? My girlfriend says I will never be complete until I learn how to cook. Is this true?

ADB: I can cook, and indeed, I never felt complete until I learned how to cook. Because the thing I learned to cook was a NEW ARM FOR MYSELF SINCE I LOST MY ARM IN THAT TERRIBLE PLAY-DOH ACCIDENT WHEN I WAS A CHILD!!!

SM: When you find yourself in a crowd of people, what do you look for first?

ADB: Some sort of a slide or chute, or a trap door. Or a rope ladder dangling from a hot air balloon, or perhaps a catapult or a pair of spring-loaded shoes, or a supercharged po-go stick, or maybe even a giant friendly moth. Heck, even an unfriendly moth that can’t shake me off. As long as it can flutter me away from the crowd.

SM: Please describe how you […]

Interview with Val Kappa • Comedian

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SM: If you were to illustrate a river with a secret in it, what would you be sure to include in the drawing?

VK: I would draw a river with an empty canoe floating on it. To the side of the river would stand an octopus gazing at the canoe through a large magnifying glass that he would be holding in one of his tentacles which for some reason appears to have a hand at the end of it.
I’m pretty sure that’s what I’d include.

SM: If you woke up tomorrow and found that you had been transformed into a tree, who would you prefer to sit in your shade?

VK: I would prefer Prince to sit in the shade. I of course realize that it would be hard to get Prince. But I’m sure he would return my phone call when I left a message on his voicemail and explained to him how I had just turned […]

Interview with Christian Finnegan • Comedian

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SM: When was the last time you found yourself stranded somewhere, and how did you get un-stranded?

CF: Being a stand up comic, I get stranded in hour-long conversations with social misfits and/or potential psychopaths at least once a month. The comedy community is populated with a disproportionately large number of people who creep out members of the opposite sex and routinely bring friendly conversations to an awkward, grinding halt. And for some reason, these people are drawn to me like drooling infants to a set of car keys. Maybe it’s because I’m not very good at inventing reasons to excuse myself from unwanted conversations. I think the excuse one I tried went something like, “Hey man, hold that thought. No, really-I’m totally interested in hearing why you want to have sex with Strawberry Shortcake. I just need to go…um…I think I just contracted bone cancer.”

Anyway, I’ve found that the best way of getting un-stranded in […]

Interview w/ Brendon Small •Comedian, Writer/Co-Creator of “Home Movies”

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SM: If we gave you a sackful of money and a pointy hat made of newspaper, how would you spend the rest of the day?

BS: Oh that’s easy. First I’d get a money stack organizer. Then I’d get my weener “taken care of”. After that I’d get calf implants in my pecs and vice versa. Then I’d exchange murders with a train stranger and finish the day with stabbing myself in the heart with my pointy hat.

SM: If you were a blues musician living in the Depression-era dust-bowl, what would be some of the titles of your songs?

BS: Oddly enough my senior thesis at music school was an odd collection of crappy pieces one was an instrumental blues tune called “Blue Honkey”. That’s a true story. Aren’t I great?
But here’s a list of depression era blues titles:
Blue Faggot
Double Ended Blues Dildo
I Got Murdered By A Jackoff Master On The Loose Blues
and finally
Stop Feeling Sorry For […]

Interview w/ Todd Barry • Comedian

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SM: What sort of pirate would you be?

TB: Hmmm. I’ve never given this any thought. I don’t really know much about pirates, or pirate culture. Pirates…hmmm. They’re the people that do the “rrrrr” thing, right? I’d be the pirate who refuses to do the “rrrrr” thing. A contrarian pirate.

SM: Sometimes Buddha is portrayed as a somber and slender fellow intent on meditation, other times as a rotund smiling man bent on indulgence. Why do you suppose that is?

TB: Buddha, much like everyone else has good and bad days. Meditation is a blast, but sometimes you just want to kick bag with a bag of Doritos, a vodka and Red Bull (in a tall glass), listening to that killer Bright Eyes bootleg you borrowed from your friend Tommy!

SM: What were you doing around this time of year a decade ago?

TB: Same thing I’m doing now: TRAVELING THE WORLD RIPPING ROOMS APART WITH MY STUPENDOUS COMEDY!

SM: […]

Interview w/ Maria Bamford

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SM: Please create a fantastical creature for you to ride around on, and give it a name befitting it.

MB: A cloud of white Fur named Rajive.

SM: When was the last time you climbed a ladder?

MB: I climbed on my bed to examine my beeping fire detector several times a night for the past two weeks. My neighbor took it down for me yesterday and now it beeps from within a closet.

SM: Please recommend a four-word combination to banish ghosts.

MB: Be gone undead spirit!

SM: What is a circumstance that you’d like to find yourself in?

MB: In a yuppie hippie sustainable living compound/condo that has solar powered cable TV.

SM: Given that a big hypothetical prom is happening next week, whom will you ask to accompany you?

MB: My dog Blossom.

SM: Please describe an activity at which you are not very good, but that you hope to eventually be good at.

MB: Parliamentary debate […]

Interview w/Bob Odenkirk – Director, Melvin Goes to Dinner – Comedian, Mr.Show

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SM: When was the last time you went on something you feel comfortable calling an adventure?

BO: Last night when I went home tired as shit, and I knew I was going to have to/get to clean the house and put the kids to bed without any help (my wife was out). How would I survive? Would it be pleasant? Would I break down and start yelling? What would go wrong? It was very challenging and exciting. A test of my patience, my fortitude.

SM: If you had locks on all your doors that could only be opened by speaking a four word combination out loud, what four words would you pick to say every day to get into your house?

BO: Open up Dammit. Fuck!

SM: What do you think would be a good opening line for a detective novel?

BO: “Women kill me.”

SM: What is one thing you are sure of?

BO: I will […]