Sam, Jason and resident Imperial Trouble Whovian Beau Brown review the Doctor Who Season Finale. Other topics include the Air Bud canon, the terrible fate of Sam’s former website The Police Box and the sitcom Designing Women.
How to Train Your Dragon is about a bunch of vikings who kill dragons. And by vikings, I mean they have pointy hats and viking ships but talk in the contemporary vernacular of our modern age. Also, they don’t lay siege to France with hellfire and steel. Or was it France that the vikings came out of when it was called Gaul? I bet that was a fearsome time to be taking a trip to France. You show up in your time machine looking for baguettes and next thing you know you’re wearing fur boots and wielding a broadsword while a lady in a bikini wraps her slender arms around your legs and to hell with the baguettes, time-travel viking, please!
A weak little viking kid can’t fight or swing a sword but he injures a dragon and then he and the dragon make friends and he makes a custom saddle for it. Next thing you know, he’s flying around with his own pet dragon. But the rest of the vikings don’t like dragons, so it’s a secret dragon. That would be like if I got a pug and nobody in Atlanta liked pugs so it had to be a secret pug and I kept it in my purse and fed it treats. Also, I guess in this world I have a fabulous purse that I keep pugs in. And glamorous lipstick. I’m beautiful!
You know, come to think of it, maybe Gaul was just regular barbarians and vikings came from Greenland. This movie did nothing to improve my knowledge of world history. I like the idea of a sooty, fiery and barbaric Gaul. People waving swords and cooking boars over fires and living in tents and wearing skulls. Just like prom of my senior year.
How to Train Your Dragon is about hiding dragons, learning to accept dragons and teaming up with dragons to kill even bigger dragons. It’s the Do the Right Thing of dragon movies. I bet if King Arthur saw this movie he’d feel really embarrassed about wearing his dragon scale armor to the theater. It was a gift from Merlin! Then some mean dragons would start a fight with him in the parking lot and ride off in their 1998 Honda Accord with a spoiler, neon undercar light kit and 24 inch rims. Later that night, King Arthur and Merlin would try to holler at some girls in the drive-thru at Krystal’s. What’s up girl, want to try to pull the sword from the stone?
Apparently Craig Ferguson and David Tennant contributed voice work to How to Train Your Dragon. David Tennant of course having played Doctor Who and Craig Ferguson being a huge Doctor Who fan, they should have put on an impromptu Doctor Who radio play, what with the microphones and recording equipment sitting around. That is something I guess I might listen to if it was a podcast or something. Speaking of podcasts, please go and subscribe to the podcast I host with my friend Sam every week, because I’m done with this review and our voices on the podcast are like a thousand beautiful angels setting off a thousand Sonic Screwdrivers at the same time. Which sounds nice, I guess? Also, How to Train Your Dragon was really good, and apparently is in 3D, if the movie posters are to be believed. I watched it in two dimensions off a DVD like a chump with no depth perception.
This review contains spoilers.
In Season 4 a skeleton in a space suit fights Doctor Who in the universe’s biggest library. Last time I had a run-in with a skeleton in a library it was inside a librarian’s body and she was shushing me. Good thing for Doctor Who skeletons don’t have ears. Though I do like the idea of ears of bone. Very lyrical, almost. ‘You can’t hear me on the phone/with those ivory ears of bone/I’m calling about an ice cream cone’. That song needs work, I think.
Later in the season Doctor Who shoots a laser into a giant robot’s mouth from a hot air balloon just to change a woman’s mind. Wish I could win an argument with a laser. I don’t want to eat sushi I want fried chicken tacos! Zip zap Zoop! (Huh- that sounds less like a laser and more like Bill Cosby wants a taco.)
Doctor Who’s new companion Donna is a secretary who got hijacked into the TARDIS on her wedding day. She likes to drink beer and flirt with men. She’s like one pint away from mashing her breasts together and yelling “OOH Have a look then!” She’s clearly the best of all the Doctor Who companions so far.
She and the Doctor go to the planet of the Ood. The Ood are docile slaves to humans and apparently sell like hotcakes, even though they look like bug eyed monstrosities with tentacles for mouths. I’m not saying you have to win a beauty contest to bring a millionaire his filet mignon, but nobody wants to tuck in to a fancy dinner with a wrinkly old sea monster lurking around the table like a weirdo.
Did I mention they go crazy and their eyes turn as red as Lucifer’s beard?
The Doctor frees all the Ood from slavery. He’s like the Harriet Tubman of gross cephalopods. An Ood even sings to him when Doctor Who is flailing around in the snow about to die. Oh great, just what I want to hear as I’m breathing my last. A gray skinned nightmare is singing a tune for me.
Daleks pull off the greatest robbery of all time by stealing a bunch of planets for their reality killing machine, even Earth! Who cares!! I hate every episode that the Daleks are in! I can’t tell you how disappointed I am to see their dumb metal eye cameras or whatever they see with.
Doctor Who gets a human clone of himself and leaves it with his old companion Rose from the first season so they can be in love together and he can fuck off on his adventures. Here you go, that ought to shut you up. Here’s a clone of me to grow old and die with.
Ladies, Doctor Who will do anything to get out of being your boyfriend. Pretty soon he’s going to stuff some straw in a burlap sack, wrap it in a pinstriped suit, stuff it in a blue cardboard box and that’s who you’ll introduce your parents to, a scarecrow Doctor Who in a cardboard TARDIS.
What do you know, the President of the Time Lords pops in for a surprise visit. He wears a robe and a big crazy hat and carries a staff. I guess even though Time Lords wear normal clothes they have to dress up like wizards to hold an office. I had a nerd freak out when I realized his electricity shooting glove was the companion to the glove that brings people back from the dead in Torchwood. And then I realized I was getting excited about fictional gloves. Guess that was his murderin’ glove.
The Time Lords have an evil plan to live outside of time so they decide to destroy time for everyone everywhere. On the plus side, everybody’s Netflix movies would arrive all at once instead of sitting in the queue with the words LONG WAIT next to them.
When the President of the Time Lords shows up on Earth the first thing out of his mouth is, “On your knees humanity!” Ok, but you better take humanity out to Applebee’s later, and humanity gets to order any appetizer it wants.
Doctor Who takes a big blast of radiation to the face (I’ll have the Mozzarella Sticks and the Boneless Buffalo Wings) so that means he’s gotta die and regenerate a whole new face and personality. He goes around for a solid half hour saying goodbye to everybody he knows, solemnly nodding and waving farewell to all his friends. David Tennant was lucky to get such an elaborate sendoff, Christopher Eccleston barely got a boot in the butt on the way out.
Then he regenerates into Matt Smith, a gangly young man with a pleasantly lopsided face and fancy hair. Sorry Matt Smith, didn’t mean to describe you like a forest ogre with a cave full of hair care products. Swatting at wizards with a tree trunk— RARRR Let go of my Herbal Essences!
This review contains spoilers.
In season two Doctor Who fights the devil inside a big asteroid next to a black hole. The big red monster with horns kind of devil, with the scales and the magma and the rocks for skin and the yowling and grunting and the big iron manacles in a pit of fire. Seems to me if you wanted to imprison the Prince of Lies you’d go a little further than slapping a couple of big space handcuffs and chains on him. Maybe some prison bars made of lasers and a straitjacket, too. Also a gag so he doesn’t do any of that lying and seducing he’s been perfecting since the dawn of time. Spare no expense to keep that devil locked up, I say.
You know who else shows up? Daleks. Can’t keep a Dalek away from Doctor Who. When I say “Doctor” you say “Dalek”! The Doctor is always so surprised to see Daleks. “Daleks? I thought I killed the last Dalek! I even killed the Dalek emperor! I can’t believe these f**kers are still alive.” Maybe Doctor Who is just being polite when he acts shocked to see a Dalek.
I ‘fancied’ Billie Piper as The Doctor’s companion- she seemed like she was having the time of her life. Too bad The Doctor leaves her behind on a second Earth at the end of the season. If you travel in the Doctor’s blue police box I hope you like desert islands or weird moons or parallel dimensions because that’s where you’re ending up one way or another. The only way the Doctor could strand more of his friends in dangerous places is if he was a pirate on a ship made entirely of planks.
David Tennant replaces Christopher Eccleston this season as Doctor Who. The Doctor actually removes Eccleston’s face to reveal Tennant’s face beneath it in the final episode of the first season. Can’t replace anybody more thoroughly than that, unless you want to jump out of their stomach à la Alien. With his small stature and smart pinstriped suit David Tennant seems like he’s just dropped by the pocket-watch repair shop and now he’s off to sing lead vocals for The Monkees with his pals Micky, Michael and Peter.
I wonder how may women sci-fi fans have obsessive fantasies about the David Tennant Doctor Who. “Oh British immortal time traveler- take me in your time ship to some ancient space library and let’s do it on the books!” Well ladies, I hope you’re ready to spend the rest of your life in an ancient space library because he will leave you there faster than you can retrieve your bra from the ‘Geegleplax Guide To The Seven Outer Plorshushes’.
Not to mention Doctor Who saves Queen Victoria from a werewolf and to thank him for his trouble she founds the Torchwood Institute to hunt him down and bans him from ever coming back to England. Well look how that worked out lady- now you’re long underground in your fancy royal linens and Doctor Who is still sweeping British ladies off their feet and into alternate realities.
Geegleplax that, Your Highness!