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A Cold Sailor’s Ghost At The Bottom Of The Ocean: Looking Back On “Dexter Season 5”

A Cold Sailor’s Ghost At The Bottom Of The Ocean: Looking Back On “Dexter Season 5”

I just ate a pint of ice cream and watched True Grit. This must be how retired newspaper comic strip character Cathy feels. Ack! I guess Cathy would never watch True Grit. She’d probably watch True Fit, a romance about two clothing designers who hate each other at first then fall in love. Man, this ice cream is sitting in my stomach like a cold sailor’s ghost at the bottom of the ocean.

I still have to write this review of the fifth season of Dexter, though. Also, if you haven’t seen season four and you don’t know what happens at the end, you should stop reading this and go eat half a pint of ice cream, because that seems to be the magic stopping point for ice cream. If you eat the whole pint I can’t speak to the sorrow you’ll feel. Anyway, season four ended with Dexter’s wife getting killed by John Lithgow and his baby crying in a pool of blood. I bet vampires say “like a baby in a pool of blood” all the time. Oh, how was your vampire softball game? We beat the Florida Fangs 14-3. They were catching like a baby in a pool of blood.

Dexter is a suspect in his wife’s killing for a little while, but then he gets cleared. Then Detective Quinn suspects him of being up to no good, so he hires a shady cop to follow Dexter. The shady cop is played by RoboCop’s Peter Weller! Between my VHS copy of RoboCop and my love of the DC comics character Cyborg, it’s no surprise I asked my mom to drive me to the doctor’s office to have half of my limbs and organs replaced with robot parts when I was nine.

I’m not sure how I expected that to go down. “Sure, I’ll turn your kid into a cyborg for you, lady. No appointment needed. I turn kids into half-machines all the time! I got all kinds of gears and wheels I can put in your child’s body. Don’t worry about the fact that his body is still growing and developing, that’s what the hydraulics are for. Want your oil changed while you wait?”

In the meantime, Quinn starts having sex with Dexter’s sister Deb and then falls in love with her. Deb acts mad and surprised at everything and she curses a lot, like if Sarge from Beetle Bailey was a sexy Miami policewoman. Dexter befriends a city roadkill worker so he can kill him. And he does kill him! But then he finds a filthy Julia Stiles locked in a closet. Dexter nurses her back to health and they become a vigilante team because there’s a whole team of rapist murderers that need to get got.

Meanwhile, Lieutenant LaGuerta and Deb are at each other’s throats. Deb is shocked…SHOCKED when LaGuerta throws her to the wolves when a case goes wrong. LaGuerta wears leopard print all the time. Once a lady in leopard print came up to me in a bar and told me I looked like a dancer because I had a tight little body. If she could only see me now, post ice cream. Dexter’s children go to live with their grandparents. Dexter has sex with Julia Stiles.

The final boss is Jordan Chase, a motivational speaker. Dexter throws a grenade and pauses the game, taking advantage of a glitch. Jordan Chase takes constant damage while the game is paused. When Dexter unpauses, Jordan Chase is dead. Wait. That’s how you cheat in the NES game Blaster Master. Dexter kills Jordan Chase the old fashioned way, by letting Julia Stiles do it. She saves the last dance for Dexter and then because her guest star run on the series is over, she says I don’t want to kill for fun anymore, see you later Dexter, say hi to Edward James Olmos for me in season six! Frak!

Dexter | Season 4

Much like a guy in a gorilla suit in a Master P video, John Lithgow slam dunks his performance as the Trinity Killer with a basketball made of crazy into a hoop made of his sister’s ashes. Gold tank rolls onto court, confetti falls. Master P makes everyone say Uggghhhhhh.

Am I crazy or did Rita get hotter? She looks like she’d smell like coconut suntan lotion all the time. They should make perfume that smells like coconut suntan lotion. Or cologne, I guess. I mean, put some other fancy stuff in there to justify the outrageous price. Like tea leaves or gold shavings or fortunes from fortune cookies. And the fortune says, “You smell like coconuts.” And a monkey that can read thinks to himself, “It’s true.”

Old man serial-killer-hunter Lundy is back this season in a jaunty hat. Gotta tip your hat to a rakish hat. Especially if you’re wearing a rakish hat, too. Then you’re both tipping your hats in a Möbius strip of hat tipping. To you, sir. No, to you, sir. I insist, to you, sir! And so on. Until you’ve got two skeletons in rakish hats in mid-tip to one another, jaws open. The Dead Gentleman’s Hat Club. Sounds like a fun place to play cards. You’d play with coins from the underworld used to pay for safe passage into the land of the dead.

Speaking of passage from the land of the dead, Dexter’s dad pops up every five minutes in the form of a ghostly memory giving advice and being a general nag. He won’t leave Dexter alone for five minutes without saying some sourpuss shit. Dexter, don’t forget my code, Dexter hide that body, Dexter you’re juggling too many identities blah blah blah. Damn, bossy ass ghost. That’s “bossy-ass ghost” not “bossy ass-ghost”. What I want to know is, why does Dexter bother imagining him eating turkey dinner like the rest of his family and friends in the Thanksgiving dinner scene? If I thought about a deceased family member while riding on a roller coaster I wouldn’t imagine them riding the roller coaster with me. Or if I remembered something wise that Ben Franklin once said while I was having sex, I wouldn’t take the extra step of envisioning Ben Franklin there in the room spanking that ass. I guess that’s what an ass-ghost does.

Big Spoiler Alert

My good friend The Classless Chap not only spoiled the big twist at the end of the season, but he did so on Facebook. In his status update. I think the only way he could have done it more effectively is if he had hired a plane with the spoiler written on a banner streaming behind it to fly over the city. And paid the pilot extra to crash into my house so I’d be injured and have to go to the emergency room. And then bribed the nurse at the hospital to write the spoiler on my chart so it was the first thing the doctor reads out loud to me. And paid the doctor to legally change his name to Dr. Rita Dies so it was written on his lab coat. And then came to visit me in the hospital with a bouquet of flowers arranged to say The Trinity Killer murders Rita in the bathtub in the final episode. Wow. He’s really sinking a lot of money into spoiling Dexter Season 4 for me in this hypothetical situation.

Well, if you haven’t seen it yet, I hope you haven’t read this far. Unless you are that coconut-smelling reading monkey. To you, sir- I tip my hat, merely for your ability to read and your glamorous hat. No, to you, sir. I insist, to you, sir!! Looks like me and this monkey are going to be tipping our hats to one another for a long time. Here I come, Dead Gentleman’s Hat Club!