Tag Archives: Emma Caulfield

TiMER

Emma Caulfield plays an orthodontist named Oona. More like ortho-hotness! I guess anyone who practices ortho-hotness isn’t recognized by the American Dental Association. Speaking of hotness in a professional setting, I heard they were making a hair cut place where women cut your hair topless. I’m sorry, but can’t you wait the twenty minutes or whatever getting your hair cut to see a topless woman? I’m sure you can run as fast as your legs can carry you to an internet connection after your haircut is over.

TiMER is about a world where people get little timers put in their wrists and they count down to when you meet your soul-mate. Damn it, lady scientists- keep your romance novels out of the lab and inventions like this won’t happen! So the TiMERs go in your wrist and if your soul-mate has one too it starts counting down to when you meet them and when you make eye contact with them it goes beep beep beep. You know what I’d rather have? A parrot that knows when you’re going to meet your soul-mate. You keep the parrot on your shoulder at all times and if someone else has a soul-mate parrot, your parrot starts quietly squawking to itself and bobbing its head. Then when you make eye contact with your soul-mate it digs its claws into your shoulder and starts frantically flapping its wings and screeching, “SOUL-MATE!! SOUL-MATE!! SOUL-MATE!! SQUAAAWWWKKKKK!!!”

Oona starts dating this 22 year old grocery clerk even though she just turned 30 and her TiMER says he isn’t her soul-mate. To use the vernacular of the common man, it seems the first half of her strategy is to “hit it”, followed by an implied intention to “quit it”. But like a lady scientist installing an emotion simulator AI into a handsome robot’s heart chip, love gets in the way. Plus her sister is all, “I’m tough and cool and promiscuous but I met a dreamy guy who might turn it all around for me”. So you get to see how that works out for everybody. I’m sure having chips in their wrists telling them the exact moment they meet their true love won’t over-complicate things.

I like how they made the store where you get the TiMER look like the Apple Store. I’ll tell you this much, I hate the Atlanta Apple Store. You might have precious gilded thrones upon which you lay your money which is flown by lovely swans into a swirling banner of silk ribbons at your Apple Store in your city, but the one here in Atlanta is claustrophobic and packed with filthy-fingered customers putting their greasy prints all over everything. Don’t touch, people of the mall! These touchscreen things are not for touching! They are for admiring and wishing on. Most people don’t know if you throw a coin into an iPhone you get seven wishes, but you have to wish for Apps from the iTunes App store. And by throw a coin into, I mean provide credit card info.

I really enjoyed this movie and it’s on Netflix Instant Streaming right now, so have at it! Or if the people who decided how the title of this movie should be capitalized had their way, “NeTFLIX InSTANT StREAMING”.