Tag Archives: Fable III

How I Accidentally Strom Thurmond’ed My Baby in Fable III

So my Fable III guy is running around the Fable III world being the brother of the king doing stupid quests and tickling townsfolk and making pies. You know, like most royal family did in olden days. In fact, what heir to the throne wouldn’t love to make all manner of pies for small amounts of gold or whistle merry tunes over and over until a villager asks him to deliver a package for them like some kind of medieval whistling FedEx village idiot?

But anyway, at some point I saved my childhood sweetheart Elise when my brother made me choose between murdering her and murdering some random people I couldn’t give a shit about. Childhood sweetheart, I choose you! Mostly because I assumed you’d be having sex with my character later. And I was right! Unprotected sex, I might add. Which instantly resulted in a baby apparating right by the bed. Man, I’m sure glad babies can’t just teleport into your life right after you have sex. You gotta give me time to be a deadbeat dad, magic teleporting baby! It takes at least a couple hours to buy a bus ticket or hop on an empty freight car.

So I married Elise and put her and the baby in the nicest house I owned. She’s the love of my live! And then I go running around with my dog doing busywork for anyone who can yell their grocery list within earshot of my character. Oh, pick up my dry cleaning! Shuck this corn! Kill these mercenaries! Shell these peas! Hmmm. Lot of produce work.

Then I run into this beautiful dark skinned noblewoman and I’m thinking, well my wife and kid aren’t in this town so guess what. A few well timed dances, tickles, chats and heroic poses later, she’s asking me to (you guessed it) deliver a package for her. The next thing you know, I’m delivering a different sort of package during a tasteful interlude of sex noises. Aaaand a magic baby shows up when the lights come back on. So now I have a secret extra wife and baby.

I move them into the second nicest house I own. Now look, I didn’t give my secret black wife and baby the second rate house because of their race. But I’m not made of nice houses! And the second best house was very nice. I even furnished it with gift furniture and whatnot. Then I got made king and moved into the castle. Of course I moved Elise and our baby into the castle with me, they were here first! I’ve loved her all my life, apparently. Then I moved my second-but-equal-in-my-heart-I-assure-you family into the hand-me-down fancy house. And then I felt guilty about all this sneaking around so I went to visit family 2.0, but my second wife was wandering around on the road at night, got attacked by balverines and died.

Even though I was king, the orphanage came and took my second baby away the moment my second wife died. Like the Minority Report of orphanages. The whole Fable III world is very efficient with the adding or removing of babies from your life. If you could Paypal a baby to someone, that’s how easy it is to get a newborn infant in Fable III.

I go down to get my secret daughter back from the orphanage and adopt her (which, is kind of like having to buy back your stolen car) and while I’m there I adopt a whole shitload of orphans to live with my daughter so now she thinks I’m just a kindly old king who showed up like Oprah’s Favorite Things and YOU GET ADOPTED and YOU GET ADOPTED. Problem solved, secret baby remains a secret and my first family is none the wiser and no one will probably ever know until my character is really really old.

Did I hide the existence of my dark-skinned baby from the public eye and financially support her in a clandestine fashion à la segregationist senator Strom Thurmond? Yes. I did do that. I’m sorry to have set video game race relations back two decades in the fictional world of Albion. In my defense I was playing first-come-first-served when it came to who got to live in the castle and if I had made the families in reverse order then you can be damn sure there’d be like twenty biracial kids waving toy swords around and whooping it up in the castle playroom.

What did I learn from all this? The road to Hell is sometimes paved with good intentions, illegitimate babies that appear out of thin air and whistling and pies. I meant well in my reign as king of Albion and I think my angelic blue glowing wings I earned after beating the game reflect that. Anyway, sorry about all the second class citizening of my mistress-wife and orphaned misbegotten multiracial love child. I will totally keep it in my pants next time.