Tag Archives: Facebook

Before Midnight: These Days You Have To Get On Grindr If You Want To Show A Welsh Guy Your Cookies

Before Midnight: These Days You Have To Get On Grindr If You Want To Show A Welsh Guy Your Cookies

It was March 1996, I was 19, and my Telnet chat-based gay flirtation was a-coming my way from Wales on a Tuesday. What Welsh Guy wanted of me was to talk and talk and talk about ourselves and what we believed in and what our dreams were and “Gosh, they sure do put a lot of ice in drinks here in the States,” and to give me two weeks of wonderful, beautiful first kisses that now feel sepia-toned and underscored with violins.

RIPD: Ryan Reynolds Will Still Eat A Sugar Cube Right Out Of Your Hand, Though

RIPD: Ryan Reynolds Will Still Eat A Sugar Cube Right Out Of Your Hand, Though

ripddepartment1Jeff Bridges pushes Ryan Reynolds off a tall building, then rides him like a wild horse in mid-air! He waves his hat around like a proper cowboy and everything. He looks like one of the mice in The Rescuers riding that big bird around.

Ryan Reynolds does not like it. He’s a person, not a beast of burden! He should let Jeff Bridges know how he feels by posting a YouTube video of “Beast of Burden” on Jeff Bridges’ Facebook wall. And then Jeff Bridges could comment, “You got rode hard and put away wet!” all dismissive of Ryan Reynolds’ feelings.

There Is No Arguing With Results: Jokes About Orville Redenbacher, LL Cool J And Facebook
popcorn

There Is No Arguing With Results: Jokes About Orville Redenbacher, LL Cool J And Facebook

A lot of people think that the first person to cut a hole in a tub of popcorn to put their dick inside of it was a guy in a movie theater trying to get a handjob. Actually, it was Orville Redenbacher. He used his penis as a measuring stick. Anytime he wanted to test a new flavor of gourmet popcorn with a focus group, he’d fill a tub and put his dick inside. If all he could see afterwards was the tip, he knew it was back to the drawing board. But if the level of popcorn dropped to the base of his shaft, he knew he had a winner. In fact, this is where the phrase “Poppycock” comes from. He’d get so excited about a successful new line of popcorn, he’d try to yell, “Popcorn Cock!” but would get too worked up to say all the syllables.

12/01 In Review: An Indiana Jones Facebook Game, A Skyrim Glitch, Snow White, And A Deformed Pig.

12/01 In Review: An Indiana Jones Facebook Game, A Skyrim Glitch, Snow White, And A Deformed Pig.

An official Indiana Jones Prequel Facebook game was announced by Zynga, creators of FarmVille. Players will use machetes and whips to explore jungles and search for treasure in the free-to-play Indiana Jones Adventure World. The game is also programmed to steal your personal data and replace it with a bag of sand.

PICTURED: Indiana Jones. Accompanied by the lead singer of Simply Red, apparently. 

A trailer for Snow White and the Huntsman was recently released. In the film, a mirror urges an evil queen to kill Snow White and eat her heart to become more beautiful. In a related story, an informal survey of men everywhere revealed the quality they find most attractive in women is a willingness to eat human hearts.

A patch for the game The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim is said to have “fixed an occasional issue where a guest would arrive to the player’s wedding dead”. A similar glitch in most American states in which gay players arrive to their own wedding but are unable to get married has yet to be patched.

An antique Stradivarius was recreated from a CAT scan. A copy produced from the 307-year-old violin is said to sound “amazingly similar” to the original. Researchers were also able to duplicate the world’s smallest violin by pinching their thumb and forefinger together and sarcastically playing the world’s saddest song on it for you.

Finally, a deformed pig has learned to walk on his front legs:

The pig announced plans to see an R-rated movie as soon as it finds a second pig to fill out a trenchcoat and fedora.

The Lacy Hem Of His Embroidered Sleeve: A Review Of “Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles”

Christian Slater is interviewing a vampire and he’s wearing his best interviewing vest, so you know he’s going to ask the hard hitting questions. Come to think of it, he’s pretty surprised when Brad Pitt admits to being a vampire. Why did he want to interview him in the first place? Does he interview everybody he meets in an alleyway? Maybe he works for the Wino Times.

Brad Pitt starts telling the story of when he was a human back in the 1700’s. He spends most of his time feeling suicidal and hanging around fancy statues of angels because his family is dead. Given the high mortality rate back then, the fancy angel statue business must have been booming. Maybe that’s how Brad Pitt’s family got so wealthy, by being fancy angel statue barons. Then a Cajun accuses Brad Pitt of cheating at cards and pulls a gun on him. Brad Pitt pulls his flouncy ruffled shirt down to display his bare chest, presumably to help the bullet get to his heart faster. Gee, thanks— if you hadn’t pulled your frilly pirate shirt down I’d have never been able to murder you with this gun. In fact, most modern bullet proof vests include a layer of puffy lace fabric.

Anyway, Tom Cruise shows up and starts sucking Brad Pitt’s blood and it’s apparently so delicious he starts levitating up in the air. Guess that explains where Angelina Jolie got her ability to fly. Then Tom Cruises forces Brad Pitt to drink his blood from his wrist below the lacy hem of his embroidered sleeve, which is also the only way Tom Cruise will accept your friend request on Facebook. Brad Pitt turns into a vampire and sees a fancy angel statue open its eyes and look at him. That really was the golden age of fancy angel statue technology.

Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt tie their hair in ribbons and go on a vampire bender, drinking prostitutes’ blood and sleeping in top notch coffins. Then they turn a twelve year old Kirsten Dunst into a vampire. They dress her up like a doll and make sure she learns to play the piano. She and Tom Cruise go around playing the piano for families and killing them afterwards. How did word of mouth get around about this amazing twelve year old vampire pianist if they killed everybody they ever performed for? How did they even get in the door? Oh, hello! Can my “daughter” come in and play the piano for you? Yes, I know it’s the middle of the night and I made air quotes when I called her my daughter. She’s very good, though. Just let us in. No, you have to invite us in. Why do we have fangs and unnaturally pale and veiny skin? Look, do you want to hear Für Elise or not?

Kirsten Dunst and Brad Pitt get sick of Tom Cruise, so they slit his throat and throw him in a swamp to die. He survives and comes back for revenge so they set him on fire and flee the country, which is also the only way Tom Cruise will allow you to unfriend him on Facebook.

Then Kirsten Dunst and Brad Pitt meet some vampires who live in a theater and put on shows about death and drinking blood. They even kill people on stage during the performances! Way to challenge your craft, vampire actors. I’m not expecting On Golden Pond but not every performance has to end with you biting a naked lady on the neck and draining her blood. Also, have you considered not parading your victims around in front of a live audience? That’s how Frankenstein’s touring company of Guys and Dolls got shut down.

The vampire actors are mad at Kirsten Dunst for killing Tom Cruise so they lock her in an open chamber and let her turn into a pile of ash in the sunlight. Brad Pitt gets his revenge by burning them in their coffins and torching their entire theater. I bet theater critics all over the city were like, “Hooray!” Newspapers probably read “Shitty Stupid Vampire Theater Burns! No More Dumb Plays About Neck Biting! Wolfman And The Mummy Shine In ‘The Producers’!

Brad Pitt runs into Tom Cruise in modern times. Tom Cruise hasn’t changed clothes in two hundred years. He’s essentially got on one of my great-grandmother’s doilies. Somewhere an old woman’s tea trolley is in danger of tea cup ring stains. And then the interview is over! Also, this review. Good night!