Tag Archives: G.I. Joe

Back Off, Man—I’m An Ornithologist: My Brief Career As A Teenage Duckbuster

Back Off, Man—I’m An Ornithologist: My Brief Career As A Teenage Duckbuster

He knew he was probably too late when he saw the sparks. Not just sparks, really: massive bolts of machine-made lightning, lashing bullwhips of crackling energy. At least he no longer had to worry about moving with stealth; the doctor was too consumed with the work at hand to notice him, in thrall to a task of equal parts science, black magic, and madness. A hunchbacked servant, his crooked fangs gleaming in the brilliant light, cowered in fear and fascination as the thing, the monster, convulsed under the Promethean energies the doctor had unleashed upon him. An inhuman cry filled the cavernous stone room.

“QUACK!”

The Order – 1886: In Another World, You’re Reading This In The Shadow Of My Castle

The Order – 1886: In Another World, You’re Reading This In The Shadow Of My Castle

I’m a sucker for alternate realities. Hell, I can’t grow the faintest hint of beard stubble without feeling like Spock from the “Mirror, Mirror” episode of Star Trek (or Evil Abed from “The Darkest Timeline” on Community).

I especially love alternate-reality mash-ups. That kid who spent hours having his G.I. Joe action figures storm the Death Star? That was me. When the kids on my block were torn between playing Cowboys & Indians or Star Wars, I was the one who said, “Let’s do both!”

Everyone Has A Wheel: In Defense Of Summer
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Everyone Has A Wheel: In Defense Of Summer

This essay was originally written and performed for Write Club Atlanta, a monthly competitive writing event. 

Everyone has a wheel.

For some people, the wheel is a grindstone, an oppressive force pushing them down into the dirt as it turns, squeezing the air out of their lungs as it spins against their back. For others, the wheel is a puppy in a velour tracksuit, massaging their shoulders with a tender professionalism, because it is a certified massage therapist in addition to being a soft, wiggly puppy. And for some, their wheel is a grindstone in a velour tracksuit that dropped out of massage school to become a cashier at Target, a place notorious for not giving massages.

Imperial Trouble Episode 60: The G.I. Joe Episode With Jack Walsh

Imperial Trouble Episode 60: The G.I. Joe Episode With Jack Walsh

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Sam and Jason are joined by “Real American Hero” Jack Walsh. Topics include the trailer for G.I. Joe: Retaliation, the classic G.I. Joe episode “Skeletons in the Closet”, and Hasbro G.I. Joe commercials from the 80’s. Jack unboxes a G.I. Joe figure on the air, and Jason explains why no amount of money or power can bring a cartoon lady to life.