Dracula sure knows how to swing a whip, doesn’t he? I used to have a whip I played with as a kid. Probably around the time the first Castlevania game came out. My grandparents bought the whip for me at a Cherokee Indian Reservation close to Gatlinburg, Tennessee. We were headed to the Smoky Mountains, but I wanted to go to Dollywood.
Last weekend, my friend from New York came down to visit Atlanta, and she was all about shooting guns. “I don’t care what else we do, but we have to shoot guns. In a field. Outside. I want to do something I can’t do in New York.” When I said maybe we could go to a museum in addition to shooting guns, she said, “New York has a museum on every corner. Fuck museums!”
“You can’t go home again,” as Thomas Wolfe once titled a novel. Which isn’t strictly true. Going home means returning to a place where everyone sees you exactly as you were when you lived there. So what if you’ve grown into a handsome, successful titan of industry? At home, you’ll always be “Lil Kev,” and will never live down that one time you saw a basketball hoop in a swimming pool, yelled, “I just gotta make this hoop shot!” and proceeded to get thoroughly soaked all the way through your snazzy Members Only jacket.
This essay was originally written and performed for Write Club Atlanta, a monthly competitive writing event.
When I think of madness, I think of a girl I once dated who looked like Huckleberry Finn. Right off the bat, let me clarify that I wasn’t thinking, “She looks like she’d subvert the racial intolerance of a bygone era with the power of friendship. I gotta’ put my dick in that!” By which I mean, put my dick in the power of friendship, not in racial intolerance. Nobody wants to fuck a racist. And it wasn’t some kind of Mark Twain sex thing. Though I did want to put my Connecticut Yankee in her King Arthur’s court. She just had this kind of freckly androgynous thing going on.
Bunny and Jason discuss Game of Thrones and Men in Black 3. Other topics include jean shorts, Kevin Smith, poetry slams, the pros and cons of popsicles, 4-H camp confessions, tanning beds and the late Ray Bradbury.
Some gamers have observed that the horse in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim is able to climb impossibly steep mountains and defy gravity by walking up completely vertical surfaces. To be fair, the last time a horse had its legs up in the air at such an extreme angle, Seabiscuit got a response to his H4HH personal ad on Craigslist.
I myself observed the main character of Skyrim drinking a potion he found next to a rotting corpse in an ancient tomb, making the redneck boy that lived in a filthy trailer down the street from me with a closet full of Hustler magazines and a kitchen so filthy I was forbidden to eat or drink anything from his house look like a sommelier at Le Bernardin in New York City. Developers have already planned a contemporary sequel to Skyrim in which the hero drinks a Capri Sun he finds under the body at an open casket funeral.
The SyFy Channel has announced that they’re renewing Being Human for a second season, the main characters of the show being a ghost, a vampire, and a werewolf. Coincidentally, this is the same list of sexual partners that Franken Berry is legally obligated to notify that they’ve been exposed to herpes.
PICTURED: The hero of Skyrim discovers a gross potion. Or possibly Franken Berry’s penis.
Fans of full frontal nudity and dragons will be pleased to learn that Game of Thrones has released a teaser trailer for Season 2. However, fans of full frontal dragon nudity will have to settle for watching Dame Judy Dench undress from a nearby tree branch with their fingers crossed.
Finally, a pug was dressed in a Wampa costume:
The pug’s arm was later severed by a Labradoodle dressed as Luke Skywalker.
Knuckle Salad! Sam and Jason are joined by returning guest Kristina Ackerman in a discussion of the smuttiness of True Blood’s fourth season, first impressions of Torchwood: Miracle Day and what makes a true Harry Potter fan. The first two minutes of this episode include a Game of Thrones spoiler.