Tag Archives: game

Red Faction: Guerrilla

Imagine my disappointment when I realized this wasn’t Red Fraction Gorilla, the game about a math loving primate. He drives the Geometry Bus, wears a fedora and has red fur. Just don’t mention mathematician Georg Cantor if you want to keep both of your arms attached to your torso.

In Red Faction: Guerrilla, engineer Alec Mason shows up on Mars ready to start a job with his brother. Unfortunately, Mars is occupied by the Earth Defense Force (EDF), a bunch of military jerks with fences and tanks. Before you can say 2 bananas minus 1 banana leaves 1 banana, the EDF kills Mason’s brother right in front of him, leaving him one sad banana.

He joins the Red Faction insurgency to take Mars back from the EDF. Yeah, give me back my unforgiving dust planet! I want to live here and taste minerals in my food all the time!

Mason has a sledgehammer, demolitions and a Nano Forge gun that vaporizes enemies into a cloud of golden dust. Also, like most freedom fighters, a jet pack. His jet pack flying style is unhurried, almost delicate, as though he were descending from the skylight of the Governor’s Mansion for a formal dinner. If Mary Poppins used proximity mines and rocket launchers to liberate a mining planet, that’s how she’d fly.

By the way- patent pending on that formal dinner jet pack.

This game was surprisingly hard in some places, just like a certain crimson gorilla who gets nervous erections when he encounters difficult algebra problems. A lot of times I’d find myself walking into laser tank fire when I should have hidden behind a rock. The game got a lot easier once I had the enemy-vaporizing Nano Forge gun.

The last time I saw that many people get vaporized was at a sketchy rave in the year 2000. For those of you who did not attend raves in the year 2000, it was common to inhale Vicks VapoRub to enhance the effects of Ecstasy.  I wouldn’t go running out to buy Ecstasy and a bottle of VapoRub if I were you, though. Please- save the soothing vaporizing effects of Vicks for when you have the flu, not for when you are sucking on a glowing pacifier like a big dumb baby in a drug induced state of chemical bliss.

Once at a rave a guy sitting on a metal chair in a hallway had a woman sitting on his lap and that woman had another woman sitting on HER lap. It was like a Jenga tower of off-putting flesh. “Hey! You want to join my party?” he asked. I guess he wanted me to sit on the third woman’s lap at the top of the sex tower like a Christmas angel. Maybe he meant for me to squeeze in the middle.

Either way, what an optimist! I’d love to press my body against your bodies in this hot sweaty warehouse environment with only a sad looking chair to support our collective weight! I am sure none of you are harbingers of any sex diseases, what with all the indiscriminate rave sex.

Anyway, grandkids, if you are reading this in the future, that’s how I met your grandmother.

Fable II

This game was on sale for twenty bucks at Target. Twenty bucks! You can get paper towels, a jug of Hawaiian Punch and three frozen pizzas for that price.

My Fable 2 character started out all sexy and scruffy-shirtless, poet’s beard, sandy blond hair. Unfortunately for him, eating pies not only replenish health, they fatten your character up.

One thing leads to another, I find myself in a tight spot- I’m feeding that dude pie left and right. Soon he’s so fat I have to put a coat on him (a stylish coat, but a coat of shame nonetheless). Well, his long alt-rocker hair won’t work on his chubby face so I change his haircut to shaved and grow out his beard to cover his chin.

Suddenly I realize my Fable 2 character looks exactly like me, if I had a fabulous coat.

For a game that gave me “evil points” for overcharging people on the rent, Fable 2 didn’t seem to mind that I had three different families in as many cities like a secret polygamist businessman. If you’re a lady in a strange town, and I don’t have any families in that town, I’m going to get you pregnant and then high tail it out of there. Good riddance, women and babies! See you next time I want to buy a sword or new clothes in the town where I abandoned your ass.

I was on the way to bring some fancy furniture to this prostitute I married when the game froze up and went to a black screen. I reloaded it and the same thing happened. I got on the internet and guess what- a LOT of people had this same problem. And it’s UNFIXABLE. You have to delete your whole game and start over again. Something to do with a corrupt save file.

Now my prostitute wife will never get her luxury linens! Her powdered skin will never know the exotic thrill of laying on fancy sheets oh wait she’s a prostitute the last thing she wants to see is another bed.

Well, kiss my grits Fable 2! I can’t even get my money back. Can you imagine the headache of trying to explain corrupt save files to the customer service people at Target? You see the save file is broken….other people on internet forums….no switching the game won’t work….Oh I see, well I guess I’ll just go THROW THIS GAME IN A GOD DAMN RIVER and hope a magic fish gives me a wishing coin for it.

What’s that magic fish? You say I get three wishes? Hot damn! I guess magic river fish must use broken Xbox games as some kind of currency. What are you going to buy with it? Enchanted river porno, you say.

Huh. Wasn’t expecting that answer.