Tag Archives: George Clooney

Fantastic Mr. Fox

Too bad this isn’t about the fantastic Mr. Michael J. Fox and his work in the incomparable Back to the Future trilogy. You know that scene in Back to the Future Part III where Christopher Lloyd is in the old west saloon telling everyone about the future and he says, “Of course we run. But for recreation. For fun” and then the incredulous cowboy says in his grizzled cowboy voice, “Run for fun? What the hell kind of fun is that?!!” I hear that scene played in my head every time I think about maybe taking up running. If you ever see me jogging around my neighborhood in shorts and a t-shirt you’ll know that character actor’s cowboy voice is replaying itself in my head over and over. “Run for fun? What the hell kind of fun is that?!! Run for fun? What the hell kind of fun is that?!! Run for fun? What the hell kind of fun is that?!!”

George Clooney, you old fox!! Clooney’s Mr. Fox says, “I’m a wild animal! I wish I was stealing instead of writing this dumb newspaper column nobody reads!” I know how you feel, newspaper-column-writing fox. Nobody reads this website either. All I need now is a red bushy tail and the voice of an aging sex symbol. Hey Ethan Hawke what are you doing with your vocal cords right now?

I had a little bit of a crush on Mr. Fox’s wife Felicity because she paints thunderstorms. Does that make me a furry? I think I’d have a crush on a regular lady that painted thunderstorms, too.

Hope you like orange and brown because Wes Anderson directed this movie. He might as well start shooting everything through a professor’s tweed coat. The professor would have to be estranged from his son, though. And smoke hand rolled cigarettes. And live in an old house with vintage wallpaper in the style of the 1970’s. Eight-track tapes!! I bet if a wizard turned Wes Anderson into an autumn leaf and tucked him into a vinyl record sleeve he wouldn’t be mad about it.

Except the wizard wouldn’t be a real wizard, he’d be a troubled young man on a faded lime green bike. “I just turned you into a leaf,” he’d say matter-of-factly to Wes Anderson. Then he’d pedal off while The Velvet Underground played.

He needs to pedal off to Curtis Mathes to rent this movie on Betamax or whatever old ass technology Anderson’s characters insist on using, because it is really good and uses stop motion animation just like your great-grandfather used to make all that William Howard Taft porno.

Up in the Air

George Clooney you old goat!

Clooney handsomes his way across America firing people left and right. Here’s a tip, struggling companies: maybe the reason you have to lay people off is because you hire ladykillers like Clooney to fly in an airplane from another state to do a basic company function. While you’re at it why don’t you buy Jude Law a train ticket to come clean the microwave in the break room?

Clooney’s character Ryan Bingham meets Alex, a traveling business lady just like him. They have sex on a pile of airline miles and make the room service guy watch.

Well they might as well have.

Bingham’s biggest fantasy is to get ten million airline miles so he gets to meet the King of Pilots. When it finally happens the King of Pilots leans in to Bingham and whispers:

hey come closer.
No closer.
Closer than that, I have a secret.
Ok I’ll tell you.
I’ve got pilot’s dick.

Well he might as well have said that.

Look for the sequel when Clooney’s character gets tired of firing people and goes to beauty school in ‘Up in your Hair’. The trilogy wraps up with a tale of Clooney’s trip to the second floor in ‘Up on the Stairs’.

Bingham also mentors Natalie, a stuffy young lady who wants to switch his company to firing people over the computer. Like a sexy robot-factory union organizer, no computer is taking his job so he takes her around the country to show her it’s better to ruin someone’s life in person.

The last time I was on an airplane my ears got stuffed up and wouldn’t pop even after I landed in New York, ate Mexican food and got drunk. I couldn’t keep my hand off my ear and I walked around cupping my ear going “aaahhhh…ahhhhh….it won’t pop!”