Tag Archives: Get Him to the Greek

Get Him to the Greek

I ordered this movie On Demand because I was sick from bad food. The restaurant I ate at the night before had weird condiments. The ketchup, the ranch dressing, everything was a little bit off. The ranch dressing looked like a saucer of milk, like the waitress had mistaken me for an adorable stray cat and poured some milk out for me before asking her boyfriend if I could come live with them.

Also, the waitress looked like Cat Power. I once saw a girl at a Cat Power concert who showed up completely topless before the first song. I understand getting caught up in the heat of the moment and taking your top off mid-show, as if to say, “here is partial nudity, as a token of appreciation of your music.” But getting half-naked before the first chord is played is like leaving a tip before your salad gets to the table. Not that Cat Power wouldn’t put on a sultry bluesy show without seeing some lady’s painted up concert breasts. Unless it’s in her contract rider.

Jonah Hill is a good leading man, but he’s undeniably very large. I think he’s assisted in no small way by the thin beard. As a man with a round face myself, I know all about the thin beard and it’s fat face cloaking ways. What’s that you say? A double chin? Oh, I don’t think so. Nothing here but a debonair shadow of scruff. If you can get away with it, I say go full beard. Then there’s no telling what kind of chubby hijinks are going on under there. A full beard is essentially a gold plated ticket to Dorito town for men of my ilk, the money launderer of the fat face world, where the money is face fat and the laundering is done by simply not shaving.

I thought this movie would have a lot more of Russell Brand escaping Jonah Hill and going off and getting into debauchery, but it was apparently a pretty straightforward task to get him to the Greek theater. Incidentally, the title sounds like a late 90’s crime comedy. With Dabney Coleman as “the Greek” and Jim Carrey as the hapless everyman dragged into mafia business. Cameo by Robert De Niro. Al Pacino as the devil. Rudy Ray Moore as Super-Devil. Pikachu as Mega-Devil. Huh, sounds like a good name for an indie Sundance favorite: Pikachu As Mega-Devil. Directed by Park Chan-wook. With Dabney Coleman reprising his role as “the Greek”.

You know who the real star of this movie is? Heroin. And all the other drugs. I get the impression that this movie thinks drugs are great and have no lasting consequences. This movie was practically saying, “Haha, heroin, right? Pretty crazy. Yeah, heroin’s not cool, though- don’t do it. Heh, but wouldn’t it be crazy if we all tried some heroin? Look under your seat. There’s a bag of heroin. No pressure. Okay seriously do the heroin with me. Now.”

Oh yeah and Peggy from Mad Men is Jonah Hill’s girlfriend. She looks cuter in regular modern day clothes. Sometimes women in burlesque girl shows wear clothes from olden times and it is hot but I say present day Elisabeth Moss is the hottest of all the Elisabeth Mosses, past present and future. Except for Golden Age Elisabeth Moss when she had a crossover with Golden Age Superman and Golden Age Green Lantern. Of course, back then she was known as Spanish Moss and her first appearance was in Stupendous Tales #53: “The Creep of Justice”.

Here’s one thing I didn’t understand: Jonah Hill spends all that time and energy doing drugs, throwing up, making friends and risking federal charges just to get Russell Brand to a concert and then five minutes into the show he leaves and drives home to his girlfriend. Russell Brand is up there doing a second hand Robbie Williams meets The Verve impression and his best friend in the world is like, “I know this is the most important moment in your whole life but I for some unfathomable reason can’t be bothered to stick around for even one song. That’s right, all those adventures we just shared together can’t compel me to spend even an extra five to six minutes watching you perform even though this movie would have the viewer believe I am one of your biggest fans what with me saying as much and wearing your t-shirt.”

Guess Russell Brand should have taken his top off. Maybe he was rushing home to change into his costume as Spanish Moss’s sidekick, Wisteria. Quickly, to the tree limbs of Savannah, Georgia! Someone’s grandmother needs to take a photo to remember her tour of historical homes!