Tag Archives: ghosts

When It Looks Like There’s No Turtles At All: An Argument Against Nothingness
nothing

When It Looks Like There’s No Turtles At All: An Argument Against Nothingness

You know how some people don’t believe in ghosts? Well, I don’t believe in nothingness. And by nothingness, I mean the complete absence of light waves, sound waves, gamma rays, mild mannered scientists who have been transformed into incredible hulks by gamma rays and mild mannered scientists who have been transformed into merely credible hulks by gamma rays. For the record, credible hulks will convince you of their argument but are unable to lift a car. However, a discredited hulk not only can’t perform any feats of strength, he also can’t be trusted not to tamper with lab results.

So, nothingness. No atoms, molecules, light or sound. Zero presence of anything of any size down to the quantum level. Like where the sense of common decency would normally be inside people who text and talk during movies. And let me just go ahead and say right now that I am not a scientist, in case you hadn’t guessed. But I have been asking people in bars whether they think nothingness exists. Which means in the scientific community I’m at least as credible as Mötley Crüe’s Dr. Feelgood.

The most consistent answer I got from my drunken poll is that “Nothingness exists, our brains are just unable to comprehend it.” Number one, congratulations on your degree in neuropsychology. I had no idea that three cans of PBR bestowed an intimate knowledge of the brain’s cognitive limitations. I guess that explains how Pabst won the blue ribbon in the first place. And why the fathers of modern neuropsychology spent so much time getting drunk at the county fair.

Number two, possibly excluding some talented neurologists, barely anyone really knows the limits of what the brain is or is not able to comprehend. People seem to look at the ability  to grasp concepts like infinity or nothingness like a bodybuilder looks at a stack of weights. Oh, well if I just had more brain muscles I could totally do like twenty reps of unravelling the secrets of creating a perfect vacuum. I mean, I’ll grant you that it’s hard to think of nothingness. Zen monks have been trying to trick their minds into a state of zero thought for centuries. But even that isn’t truly nothingness. Even during intense meditation, your brain still goes on regulating your heart and your breathing.

I’m surprised people seem so convinced that somewhere out there, there’s actually a place where a pure void exists. Like if you flew to the edge of the universe you’d just keep going into some kind of “negative land” devoid of time or dimension. Or you could stand on an asteroid at the city limits of the totality of creation and peer out into the cessation of all existence. “Gosh, sure is sanity destroying,” you’d think to yourself.

I think what most people are referring to when they make a case for the universe being surrounded by nothingness is actually just outer space. According to Wikipedia:

Outer space is an even higher-quality vacuum, with the equivalent of just a few hydrogen atoms per cubic meter on average. However, even if every single atom and particle could be removed from a volume, it would still not be “empty” due to vacuum fluctuations, dark energy, and other phenomena in quantum physics.

So even though it seems empty, things are happening at the quantum level. And according to the Wikipedia page for the Mötley Crüe album Dr. Feelgood:

Canadian producer Bob Rock found the process of working with Mötley Crüe difficult, describing the band as “four L.A. bad asses who used to drink a bottle of wine and want to kill each other.” In order to minimize conflict and allow production of the record to proceed smoothly, Rock had each member record their parts separately.

Which seems like an empty, terrible way to live but things were still happening at the musical level and Dr. Feelgood went on to sell more than 6 million copies.

The point being that if there was a place where nothing existed it wouldn’t be a place, and if you could go there it would be something because you’d be in it and if it were outside of our universe it would have to be something because it would have a location relative to our universe. Me being a layman, I’m willing to admit I may be wrong. But right now as it stands I think that as far as the universe and beyond goes, it’s all made up of something. It’s not only turtles all the way down, it’s even turtles when it looks like there’s no turtles at all. The end!

Photo by Orin Zebest from San Francisco, CA, USA (Porthole Whole) [CC-BY-SA-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Hereafter

Matt Damon is a psychic who gave up psychic-ing to be a blue collar worker because he got sick of talking to dead people all the time. Man, how insufferable are these ghosts? Hey Matt Damon, would you mind relaying this important message to my loved ones in the mortal realm? NO, shut up you stupid skeleton! I want to weld or hammer stuff and wear a hard hat. This factory job is much, much better than communicating with the dead.

Also, are the dead people all just hanging out in that sepia blur world all the time just waiting to talk to Matt Damon? There is a restaurant here in Atlanta that makes fried chicken tacos with jalapeño mayonnaise and there is always a long line to get in. Maybe being dead and talking to Matt Damon is like eating three of those tacos with a side of turnip greens.

A French lady almost gets killed in a tsunami and is briefly dead. The actress that plays her has the most French name imaginable, Cécile de France. Unless you named her Baguette de Fancy Bicyclé, it doesn’t get much more French than that. She’s so French that even though her Wikipedia page is in English, the entry on her career makes a point of stressing that she studied art dramatique! Really, Wikipedia page? Not the dramatic arts? Even the character Amélie from the movie Amélie would read that and say, “Sacrebleu! This page, it is too French, even for me!”

Plus, there are two British twins and one of them dies. So the living twin is walking around a train station and the dead twin knocks the hat off his head and saves his life from a train bombing. Wait a minute, movie. You never said ghosts could manipulate hats! Also, all the dead people are over there in golden world standing up with no chairs to sit in at the Department of Waiting on Matt Damon, aka Hell. Do they have the ability to reach into our world and do whatever they want with our hats?

No wonder Matt Damon doesn’t want to talk to them anymore, they keep pushing our finest hats onto the dirty ground! Who wants to dust off their hard hat twenty times a day on their way to the world’s greatest factory that’s better than supernatural powers? Not Matt Damon, that’s for sure.

Clint Eastwood directed this movie instead of starring as Roland in the movie adaptation of Stephen King’s The Gunslinger, which is what he does in my head all the time. Even though he is a good director, I don’t think Clint Eastwood should be in charge of the afterlife. “So, Clint Eastwood- now that I’m dead, what’s there to do around here?” “Well, we have a bunch of fuzzy light on everything. And you can do whatever you want to anyone’s hat. Even Timothy Olyphant’s cowboy hat on the show Justified, which is only getting better in its second season.”

Oh, I almost got to the end of the review without mentioning Matt Damon’s sensible grey wool sweater! And I just did! So somber. Just a really serious piece of clothing. The end!