So, a bunch of women are going caving in the Appalachian mountains. They treat it like a baby shower or a bachelorette party by getting drunk the night before. Maybe they think caving is looking at bridal magazines and eating cake shaped like a man’s torso. Isn’t that what you women do at parties and baby showers? When I think of ladies’ parties, I think about a little piglet in a party hat eating cake and all the women take turns petting him on the head. Admit it, girls- you just said ‘Awwwww!’ silently to yourself. Or maybe out loud, sitting in the library in front of a battered old computer, a flask of bourbon tucked in your bra. Are you…are you a lady hobo?
Okay. The cave in the woods. These women, they go down into this cave in the middle of the woods, straight down on some ropes like it’s nothing. I was like, damn- these women are really brave. Maybe Jake Gyllenhaal was at the bottom of the cave saying, “If you make it to the bottom I’ll kiss you beside a stalagmite. Or a stalactite? Don’t test me on caves I’m Jake Gyllenhaal! You just met me!”
Then one of the women gets stuck in a tiny little hole. And the other girl says, “You can do it! Get out of that hole!” And the woman who is stuck puts down her teacup with relaxing honey tea in it and marks her place in Martha Stewart Living and gets out of the hole just in time to not die in a cave-in. I bet Martha Stewart Living on the iPad is really tastefully designed, just like the print edition. The other day I was reading an article on different types of tea in Martha Stewart Living and noticed that one of the recipes for tea got pushed to the next to last page. Poor tea recipe. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. The “bride” being the tea recipe that actually gets made into real world tea and not skimmed over next to an ad for Fancy Feast. What do you want from me, cat?! You want me to put the little spoon on a pillow, too?!
Then the pretty Asian girl says, “Hey everybody, turns out this cave is unexplored and I thought we could be the first to explore it! So I lured all my best girlfriends down here even though the deepest most of you have been in the ground is the changing room at the back of Target.” Wow, calling her “the pretty Asian girl” makes me feel like an old man trying to describe his grandson’s new girlfriend to the waitress at Golden Corral. Sorry, pretty Asian girls everywhere. I’m sure the scruffy boy you met at the Fleet Foxes show has a very nice grandfather.
There are monsters down in the cave, though. They’re blind, have pointy ears and sleep on a pile of bones. Mostly rib cages, though. Guess they use all the skulls for blind cave monster productions of Hamlet. The SKREEEEARRGHH Players Present….. “Death of a Salesman and Also Woodland Creatures and Unlucky Cave Explorers”.
Pretty soon there are only two women left. The main hero woman has to get down in a pool of blood and bones and fight a lady monster, probably over who gets to say yes to the dress. The pretty Asian girl gets a pickaxe in the leg for her trouble because she was sleeping with the hero’s husband before they went down in the cave. The little piglet falls asleep in a pile of sweet hay, frosting on the tip of his nose, surrounded by party streamers and torn wrapping paper. Shhhhh, he’s sleeping.