Tag Archives: Halo 3: ODST

Halo 3: ODST

Nathan Fillion, Adam Baldwin, and Alan Tudyk did voice work for this game. That’s great! I love it when actors from my favorite canceled show get together in the same room to work on another project. Like there’s a possibility that Joss Whedon might crash into the studio Kool-Aid Man style and say “Oh YEAHHH Firefly’s back on let’s make some EPISODES!!!” Then he punches Master Chief in the heart through his space Marine armor. I guess Master Chief was mixing sound that day in the studio. Who’s cranking the treble now, bitch?

It’s the 26th century and the events of Halo 3 haven’t even happened yet. This game is a little side story to Halo 2, which I never played and don’t know anything about. It has a jazz soundtrack, which is good. Space marines and saxophones- like on a poster you win at a county fair dart game. I once won a poster of a bikini lady standing in front of an open refrigerator door when I was eleven. I had it hung on my wall for about an hour before I took it down from embarrassment.

You’re a rookie dropped in the African city of New Mombasa. What happened to your squad? You don’t know. Aliens from the Covenant are trying to kill you. What’s the Covenant? An alliance of hostile alien races. Any sexy aliens? No. It’s a gathering of ugly monsters with shiny guns, like a tea party at Dick Cheney’s house. Who is still making Dick Cheney jokes in the year 2010? Me!

I bet Halo 3 might as well be Disney Sing It on the Wii as far as Dick Cheney is concerned. He’s all like,”Yahh! More blood! Where’s the gore? Bigger guns! War! War! It’s my turn to sing Jonas Brothers!”

My favorite guns were the grunt shot and the beam rifle because you could snipe your enemies from far away with laser beams. My favorite thing to do in a Halo game is crawl up in some big piece of machinery and knock out all the enemies inside and then blow it up from the inside. Makes me feel like a man.

SPOILER ALERT

Come to find out the whole mission is to protect a big intelligent floating jellyfish loaded up with data. One time I went to Pensacola Beach and there were so many jellyfish in the water that little bits of jellyfish were floating around so you got stung no matter what. I ended up drinking in the sun under a wet towel all afternoon. One girl got stung by a jellyfish on her leg and her boyfriend took her into an alley behind a hotel and peed on her. Because that’s a home remedy for jellyfish stings, not because he was into it. I mean, maybe he was into it. I wasn’t there.

Just so you know, the best way to actually alleviate the pain of a jellyfish sting is with saltwater, fresh water and urine will only irritate it further. Also, if Dick Cheney pees on you in an alley behind a hotel, it is because he lurks in hotel alleys waiting for out-of-town Democrats taking shortcuts to the Whole Foods. If he jumps out at you just yell, “Halliburton!”