Tag Archives: Harry Potter

The Dark Knight Rises: Lurching Purposefully Through The Next Few Frames

The Dark Knight Rises: Lurching Purposefully Through The Next Few Frames

In which Jason is joined by Dan Nadolny for a review of the trailer for The Dark Knight Rises.

J: Who does Catwoman think she’s talking to when she tells Batman to “batten down the hatches”? I mean, he is Batman. It is integral to his nature to batten things. That’s the reason he became a crime-fighter in the first place, to batten fear into the hearts of criminals. Although, I’m willing to acknowledge that I may be a little murky on Catwoman’s use of the word “batten”. But I’m 100% certain that by hatches, she means the baby chickens that Bruce Wayne is hatching under a glow lamp in his study at Wayne Manor. Don’t worry, Catwoman, he’s already battened fear into their hearts, because even though they are CuteOverload.com-worthy baby chicks, they are also ruthless criminals.

Hooking Up With Whoever Wins The Fight: “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2” Reviewed

This review contains spoilers and cursing, but not necessarily in that order.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 starts off with Harry Potter, Ron and Hermione at Dobby’s grave on the beach. And they gave him a little tombstone! It says, “Here Lies Dobby, A Free Elf.” Seems like there’d be a lot of Muggles at the beach. If Harry Potter and his friends are trying to keep the wizarding world a secret they probably shouldn’t bury an elf that close to Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville Cafe no matter how free he is.

Then Harry Potter breaks into Bellatrix Lestrange’s vault to get a golden cup that Voldemort put a piece of his soul in. Voldemort sure does like putting his soul in ornate lockets and elegant drinkware. Maybe instead of trying to rule Hogwarts he should be a manager at Barneys New York. Also, Helena Bonham Carter is the worst as Bellatrix Lestrange! She overacts being evil so hard she makes Skeletor look like Sir Laurence Olivier playing Richard III.

Harry, Hermione and Ron break into Hogwarts to tell Snape to get the fuck out. Snape flies away in a puff of black smoke. Seems odd that all the evil wizards have to trail a cloud of smog behind them just because they serve Voldemort. Thanks a lot, “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named”. I love spitting out black fumes every time I fly to wizard Target to get some Claritin and toilet paper. Do you think just once I could get from Point A to Point B without looking like a chimney sweep’s ghost is fucking the smoke monster from LOST in the middle of the sky?

Speaking of ghosts, Harry has to convince the ghost of Helena Ravenclaw to tell him where Voldemort hid a tiara that he also put his soul in. Man, Voldemort loves gaudy jewelry. He’s the Joan Rivers of dark wizards! Helena Ravenclaw does a lot of heavy breathing for a ghost. Calm down, lady— you don’t even have lungs! The last time a ghost hyperventilated this hard Boo Berry cereal was discontinued.

Then Voldemort kills Snape so he can use the Elder Wand, which is the strongest wand in the history of wizard kind and still sort of belongs to Snape because of the whole murdering Dumbledore thing. Apparently if you kill or defeat a wizard, his wand becomes loyal to you. First of all, that’s the opposite of loyal. Loyal would be helping the wizard not get defeated in the first place, not hooking up with whoever wins the fight like some hoochie mama watching rednecks brawl in a Sonic parking lot at one in the morning.

Anyway, before he dies Snape asks Harry to collect his tears in a bottle because the tears contain Snape’s memories of thirty-odd years of getting cock blocked by Harry’s father. Harry’s father seems like a real jackass. All he did was bully Snape and hang out with Lupin and Sirius Black, who were much cooler and far more interesting. And when Voldemort showed up to assassinate Harry Potter, Harry’s father was really easy to kill. Voldemort probably murdered him with an Avada Kedavra Curse while he was reading Wand Polish magazine on the toilet, which is either the most boring wizard magazine or the most pornographic. Meanwhile, Harry Potter’s mother was busy deflecting killing curses from “You-Know-Who” and unwittingly filling every vault and safety deposit box in Snape’s spank bank with reasons to go on living in his business of being the loneliest, bravest character in the entire series.

Snape doesn’t even get to be in the circle of Harry Potter’s dead friends and family who wish him well before he goes to face down Voldemort. Well, he only dedicated his entire life to keeping Harry Potter alive and ensuring the entire planet wasn’t enslaved by evil wizards despite his painful unrequited love for Harry’s mother that haunted him every waking moment of his life. Even in the afterlife the Potters are too cool to invite Snape to hang out with them. He should find a more appreciative family to protect/lust after/stalk.

Finally, Ron and Hermione kiss, Neville Longbottom turns into a badass and Harry Potter kills Voldemort with the Elder Wand. Then Harry breaks the Elder Wand in half and throws it in a river. That’ll teach you to be loyal, wand. Thanks for saving my life, good riddance!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 is my favorite of the Harry Potter films, due to the gorgeous visuals, excellent pacing and superb acting of Alan Rickman, whose nuanced performance as Severus Snape made Sir Laurence Olivier in Richard III look like Skeletor in Sir He-Man the II. The end!

Imperial Trouble Episode 34: Kristina Ackerman of Knuckle Salad

Imperial Trouble Episode 34: Kristina Ackerman of Knuckle Salad

Play

Knuckle Salad! Sam and Jason are joined by returning guest Kristina Ackerman in a discussion of the smuttiness of True Blood’s fourth season, first impressions of Torchwood: Miracle Day and what makes a true Harry Potter fan. The first two minutes of this episode include a Game of Thrones spoiler.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1

This review contains mild spoilers.

Well, now that Dumbledore is dead, Voldemort is having evil wizard parties. Doesn’t seem like much fun. He spins a lady around in the air then feeds her to his pet snake. Isn’t that how redneck parties go, with something getting fed to a snake?

Harry Potter and a bunch of fake Harry Potter decoys try to fool Voldemort flying around on brooms and magic motorcycles to the Weasley farmhouse. It doesn’t work out. Who would have thought the world’s most powerful evil wizard would have found Harry Potter on that magic flying motorcycle with his friend the enormous giant and his other friend the white owl he’s been carrying to wizard school all these years?

If I was chairman of the hiding-Harry-Potter committee (first muggle in office, thank you very much), I’d say hang on wizards, let’s put away all this magic shit and try something else that Voldemort wouldn’t expect. Let’s dress Harry up like a businessman, put a hat on him (NO NOT A POINTY WIZARD HAT) and have a limo drive him to the Weasley’s. Have him talk on a cell phone the whole time. No one ever looks twice at a guy in a suit who looks like he’s rich because no one wants to throw up in the bushes with jealousy. This can also be used to skip out on meals at T.G.I. Friday’s.

Then Harry, Ron and Hermione go into hiding in a tent with a Horcrux, which is a little piece of Voldemort’s soul in a locket. Surprisingly, it’s not a photo of him with his sweetie at the county fair. One time I went to a county fair in the parking lot of a mall. It was really just a Ferris wheel and a corn dog stand. When I asked the carnie whether the Ferris wheel was safe to ride as I was getting on it he said, “We’ll see” and pulled the lever to start it.

If I was Voldemort and I was hiding the darkest parts of my soul in different objects I’d have to put at least one Horcrux in a vinyl single of “There Is a Light That Never Goes Out” by The Smiths. Take me out tonight/where there’s music and there’s people/who are young and alive/because I’m trying to find Harry Potter/so I can kill him with a wand/I took off Malfoy’s dad

After a bunch of fussing and fighting with Ron and some sexy dancing to Nick Cave with Hermione, Harry strips down and jumps in an icy pond because he sees the Sword of Gryffindor at the bottom. Dear evil wizards, if you are ever trying to kill Harry Potter,  just put something that looks like the thing he wants at the bottom of a frozen body of water, as he will leap naked into it without hesitation. That also works for older lady wizards who want to get Harry Potter’s clothes off. “Oh Harry, would you mind getting my good earrings I dropped them in the bottom of the bathtub and now the bathtub is frozen somehow so TAKE YOUR ROBES OFF DAMN IT!”  Wow, aggressive wizard lady.

Then Ron has to stab the Horcrux with the sword, black smoke comes out talking shit and Heaven knows Ron is miserable now because a weirdly smoothed-skinned Harry and Hermione are making out in the smoke. I like how even though the talking smoke is the embodiment of evil, it still tastefully refrains from showing Hermione’s breasts. Thanks for keeping it classy, smoke monster.

Voldemort opens up Dumbledore’s grave and hovers over him with his face close enough to Dumbledore’s face to give him butterfly kisses with his eyelashes. Does Voldemort have eyelashes? He takes Dumbledore’s super wand and is all like pow zoom lightning whoosh pyrotechnics magic! I guess he’s not worried about anyone catching him grave robbing.

Then the movie ends, quite abruptly, actually.