Tag Archives: Helena Bonham Carter

Hooking Up With Whoever Wins The Fight: “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2” Reviewed

This review contains spoilers and cursing, but not necessarily in that order.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 starts off with Harry Potter, Ron and Hermione at Dobby’s grave on the beach. And they gave him a little tombstone! It says, “Here Lies Dobby, A Free Elf.” Seems like there’d be a lot of Muggles at the beach. If Harry Potter and his friends are trying to keep the wizarding world a secret they probably shouldn’t bury an elf that close to Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville Cafe no matter how free he is.

Then Harry Potter breaks into Bellatrix Lestrange’s vault to get a golden cup that Voldemort put a piece of his soul in. Voldemort sure does like putting his soul in ornate lockets and elegant drinkware. Maybe instead of trying to rule Hogwarts he should be a manager at Barneys New York. Also, Helena Bonham Carter is the worst as Bellatrix Lestrange! She overacts being evil so hard she makes Skeletor look like Sir Laurence Olivier playing Richard III.

Harry, Hermione and Ron break into Hogwarts to tell Snape to get the fuck out. Snape flies away in a puff of black smoke. Seems odd that all the evil wizards have to trail a cloud of smog behind them just because they serve Voldemort. Thanks a lot, “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named”. I love spitting out black fumes every time I fly to wizard Target to get some Claritin and toilet paper. Do you think just once I could get from Point A to Point B without looking like a chimney sweep’s ghost is fucking the smoke monster from LOST in the middle of the sky?

Speaking of ghosts, Harry has to convince the ghost of Helena Ravenclaw to tell him where Voldemort hid a tiara that he also put his soul in. Man, Voldemort loves gaudy jewelry. He’s the Joan Rivers of dark wizards! Helena Ravenclaw does a lot of heavy breathing for a ghost. Calm down, lady— you don’t even have lungs! The last time a ghost hyperventilated this hard Boo Berry cereal was discontinued.

Then Voldemort kills Snape so he can use the Elder Wand, which is the strongest wand in the history of wizard kind and still sort of belongs to Snape because of the whole murdering Dumbledore thing. Apparently if you kill or defeat a wizard, his wand becomes loyal to you. First of all, that’s the opposite of loyal. Loyal would be helping the wizard not get defeated in the first place, not hooking up with whoever wins the fight like some hoochie mama watching rednecks brawl in a Sonic parking lot at one in the morning.

Anyway, before he dies Snape asks Harry to collect his tears in a bottle because the tears contain Snape’s memories of thirty-odd years of getting cock blocked by Harry’s father. Harry’s father seems like a real jackass. All he did was bully Snape and hang out with Lupin and Sirius Black, who were much cooler and far more interesting. And when Voldemort showed up to assassinate Harry Potter, Harry’s father was really easy to kill. Voldemort probably murdered him with an Avada Kedavra Curse while he was reading Wand Polish magazine on the toilet, which is either the most boring wizard magazine or the most pornographic. Meanwhile, Harry Potter’s mother was busy deflecting killing curses from “You-Know-Who” and unwittingly filling every vault and safety deposit box in Snape’s spank bank with reasons to go on living in his business of being the loneliest, bravest character in the entire series.

Snape doesn’t even get to be in the circle of Harry Potter’s dead friends and family who wish him well before he goes to face down Voldemort. Well, he only dedicated his entire life to keeping Harry Potter alive and ensuring the entire planet wasn’t enslaved by evil wizards despite his painful unrequited love for Harry’s mother that haunted him every waking moment of his life. Even in the afterlife the Potters are too cool to invite Snape to hang out with them. He should find a more appreciative family to protect/lust after/stalk.

Finally, Ron and Hermione kiss, Neville Longbottom turns into a badass and Harry Potter kills Voldemort with the Elder Wand. Then Harry breaks the Elder Wand in half and throws it in a river. That’ll teach you to be loyal, wand. Thanks for saving my life, good riddance!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 is my favorite of the Harry Potter films, due to the gorgeous visuals, excellent pacing and superb acting of Alan Rickman, whose nuanced performance as Severus Snape made Sir Laurence Olivier in Richard III look like Skeletor in Sir He-Man the II. The end!

The King’s Speech

The King’s Speech

Colin Firth has a stuttering problem! Helena Bonham Carter has wavy hair and a doll’s face. And she’s married to the prince! Good thing nobody in the palace collects dolls, or they’d be like, “Helena Bonham Carter get back in my antique doll case!” Maybe that’s why she joins Voldemort later and tries to kill Harry Potter, everybody’s always trying to put her in a big dollhouse.

Geoffrey Rush is a speech therapist at the bottom of a creaky old elevator, with fancy furniture and water damaged walls all over the place. But he has a teapot, so there’s always tea for him to keep a stiff upper lip about. Colin Firth is going to be the king soon because his father Dumbledore the king is dying and his brother the other prince is about to marry a common street whore. Actually, she’s a twice divorced woman, but in England as far as the royal family is concerned, they might as well be the same thing.

British people have giant radios now, so Colin Firth needs to get his act together or GTFO. Geoffrey Rush gets to treat him like a regular guy instead of like a king, which means he gets to boss him around. Then the Nazis attack and the British people are like, “If someone doesn’t get on our enormous radios right now and tell us to keep calm and carry on, then we are going to spontaneously combust and all our chimney sweeps will have to come sweep up the ashes and soot.”

The royal priest hates Geoffrey Rush because Rush is trolling the entire royal family due to the fact that he has no credentials. One time this lady I worked with kicked a kid selling candy out of the office because she thought he was casing the office to burglarize later. I said she shouldn’t be mean to a kid and her eyes bulged out and her face went red and she yelled, “THAT KID HAD NO CREDENTIALS!”

Anyway, Colin Firth makes a speech and gets to wear a very, very, very fancy coat. Geoffrey Rush gets to be friends with him and not get beheaded. Helena Bonham Carter is purchased by an old woman on Ebay and placed in an antique wooden cabinet next to a rare American Girl doll dressed like an extra from Little House on the Prairie.