Tag Archives: Hot Pockets

Everyone Has A Wheel: In Defense Of Summer

Everyone Has A Wheel: In Defense Of Summer

This essay was originally written and performed for Write Club Atlanta, a monthly competitive writing event. 

Everyone has a wheel.

For some people, the wheel is a grindstone, an oppressive force pushing them down into the dirt as it turns, squeezing the air out of their lungs as it spins against their back. For others, the wheel is a puppy in a velour tracksuit, massaging their shoulders with a tender professionalism, because it is a certified massage therapist in addition to being a soft, wiggly puppy. And for some, their wheel is a grindstone in a velour tracksuit that dropped out of massage school to become a cashier at Target, a place notorious for not giving massages.

Dead Rising 2

Dead Rising 2

Wow, I barely wrote anything at all last week. What was I doing? Eating ice cream. The whole time, just ice cream. Ice cream sounds good, but “iced cream” sounds amazing, right? I picture a big frosty bowl of cream, full of ice flakes and vanilla extract. If cats could read the internet, I bet they’d “like” that on Facebook.

Anyway, running a website is thirsty work, especially in this modern age, aka “the golden age of indifference”. You ever try to get a celebrity on twitter to respond to your kinda-jokey-but-acknowledge-me-please tweet on twitter? Refresh, refresh. They are never going to admit that you tweeted at them. Twitter court is in session. Did this fan of yours tweet you an @ message, Jennifer Lopez? NO? CASE DISMISSED. Where was I? Oh right, thirsty work. I broke my rule about drinking out of the ginger ale bottle from the fridge and it was amazing. No more glasses for this lucky son of a bitch!

I played Dead Rising 2 all day yesterday, from noon to one in the morning. I took a break to eat spaghetti and watch half an episode of Justified. I’m sure any lady would be happy to get in bed with Timothy Olyphant, I bet he has a tight little body. What, I can’t say that? Well, sorry heterosexual world! Guess I’ll have to pack my bags and turn in my straight guy card, I suppose all those years of eating Hot Pockets and listening to Too $hort have been in vain.

You know what I love about Dead Rising 2? All the time management. You gotta rescue people and be at different places at different times or you lose the game. Like being Timothy Olyphant’s publicist and having to juggle interviews and topless beefcake calender posing appointments. Justify These Abs 2011!

Also, I love being able to pick out clothes for my character. I like dressing up dudes made of pixels more than I like dressing myself. It takes all my effort not to wear a too-tight promotional Green Hornet T-shirt every day of the week. Dead Rising 2 has all kind of outfits you can mix and match. I went with a tennis headband, collegiate outfit and aviator glasses so I looked like Luke Wilson’s tennis pro from The Royal Tenenbaums. Go Mordecai!

I have to admit that despite being a rational adult who does not find cartoon characters attractive, I found lady reporter Rebecca Chang quite fetching. Almost enough to do a Google image search for her with SafeSearch turned “Off”. Don’t coddle me, Google image search, I know what I’m doing! Searching Google Images sans SafeSearch is like being Cate Blanchett in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. You think you want all that information, but it will melt your face off.

My only issue with Dead Rising 2, which was minor because I burned through most of the game in a single day, was that there seemed to be a lot of repeating zombies. I must have passed that fat zombie like three thousand times! You know when you say goodbye to someone and then it turns out that they are going the same direction as you, so now your first goodbye means nothing, so you keep making conversation until you think it’s safe to say goodbye again, then whoomp there it is they are like, haha I’m actually riding with you and they get in your car and your second goodbye is now also useless?

I felt like this whole game was like that with the fat zombie and the zombie in the hat and the lady zombie in the sensible Payless ShoeSource outfit. Goodbye, zombies in the casino, I’m going into the mall now! What? How did you get in here? Oh well, goodbye mall zombies, I’m going to the underground tunnels! Whaaaat? You again?! I killed you with a lightsaber I made out of gems and a flashlight!

Which, come to think of it, is how lightsabers would be built if only rich old ladies looking for a circuit-breaker box in their basement were Jedi. Good night, everybody!