Tag Archives: J.J. Abrams

Star Trek Into Darkness: Benedict Cumberbatch Gets To Download His Hair And I Don’t Even Get To Live On The Same Planet As The Greatest T-Shirt In The Universe

Star Trek Into Darkness: Benedict Cumberbatch Gets To Download His Hair And I Don’t Even Get To Live On The Same Planet As The Greatest T-Shirt In The Universe

Benedict Cumberbatch sure has nice hair, doesn’t he? What kind of product do you think he uses? You know what’s weird is, at some point, his character had to take a break from being evil to go into a store and buy some hair gel, or paste, or fiber or whatever. Unless they have technology that styles your hair for you in the year 2233. Or better yet, wi-fi connected gels that shape themselves from pre-made templates you can download into your follicles, with ad-supported free versions available, of course.

Is that what the future holds for us? Having our hair advertise to us all day until we pay for premium haircuts?!

For Benedict Cumberbatch, that’s still probably better than sitting in a chair under a barber cape, listening to his stylist talk about her boyfriend’s podcast. Which leads me to wonder, why can’t J.J. Abrams focus on what’s really important?! Benedict Cumberbatch’s Star Trek villain’s hair stylist’s boyfriend’s podcast. It’s mainly about Starfleet merchandise from the early 2200’s, and Star Wars movies. I mean, it stands to reason there are Star Wars films in the Star Trek universe, right? What with them being set in Earth’s future and all. There’s just one crucial difference—Jar Jar Binks is amazing in this Earth’s timeline! He’s like Mal Reynolds, Seinfeld, and Prince all rolled into one toungue-lolling, slightly-racist, Galactic-Senate-delegating Jedi masterpiece.

Which reminds me, this alternate Earth is also home to the greatest T-Shirt every screenprinted in any universe, which is an illustration of a paper Seinfeld mask with the eyeholes cut out, next to electric neon letters that read, “Eatin’ Ass in a Seinfeld Mask.” It might interest you to know that Benedict Cumberbatch is wearing it under his stylish coat, as he plunges the Star Trek universe INTO DARKNESS. In theaters May 17th.

He Didn’t Even Bother To Put On His Space Boxers: Thoughts On “Super 8”

Hey it’s 1979! A kid in a Smashing Pumpkins video is rolling down a hill in a tire! I once dated a girl who was obsessed with the Smashing Pumpkins. She called Billy Corgan “Billleeee” just like the mogwai Gizmo in Gremlins. I used to have a Gizmo clock with the clock face in his belly, like if you’d hunted and killed a mogwai and had a taxidermist stuff him with a clock. This is to symbolize all the time you’ll never have, Gizmo!

Joe Lamb loses his mom in a steel mill accident. His dad is the sheriff! A man with sideburns is to blame for his mother’s death, but it was an accident. Joe’s dad arrests Sideburns just for showing up to the funeral. You broke the law against hurting my feelings! Joe’s friends Glasses, Husky and Fireworks are making a movie. Sideburns’s daughter Alice is helping them make the movie, too. Because their fathers hate each other, Alice and Joe aren’t supposed to hang out together. Their dads act like somebody brought the wrong chocolates to The Ladies Auxiliary Club meeting every time they see each other.

The kids are in the middle of making an adorably amateurish zombie movie at a train station when a passing train crashes. An alien folds his copy of The New York Times, wraps up his iPod earbuds and gets off the train. Then the Air Force shows up. Oh, and it was their science teacher that ran the train off the tracks. Before he dies he’s like, you kids don’t tell anybody you saw this. Because the Air Force will kill you. Then he points a gun at them. Mixed messages, right? Seems like everybody wants to get in on the killing-kids-because-they-saw-something-they-shouldn’t-have action.

Then mysterious things start happening around town. Engines go missing from cars, lights flicker on and off and dogs run away. That happens every time I try to cook something more complicated than macaroni and cheese. You’ll notice I used the more formal title instead of just writing “mac and cheese”. Is it that much harder to say the word macaroni? Yankee Doodle didn’t seem to have a problem with it when he was describing the feather in his hat. Of course, his ability to correct identify macaroni or feathers was severely impaired.

Spoilers below.

Joe and his friends find out the alien is just trying to rebuild his ship so he can get leave this godforsaken planet. Is there anything worse than being stuck at a party you hate and you don’t have a ride? Everyone is always like, just call a cab! Do you know how long it takes for a cab to show up in Atlanta? At least half an hour. And they’re the worst drivers. They drive like they’ve got a blue turtle shell and they’re about to knock Donkey Kong out of first place with it.

I found it hard to believe a spider monster with pinchers and claws built an advanced spacefaring vessel. He doesn’t wear clothes, he crawls around on spider legs and lives in a subterranean lair. If he’s so great with technology, wouldn’t he have some other devices like a communicator on his claw or the space-horror-creature equivalent of a bluetooth earpiece? I don’t get in my car to go to the store without my cellphone and my pants on, the Super 8 alien travelled billions of miles and he didn’t even bother to put on his space boxers. I think he found some peaceful space travelers and ate them and took their ship. He’s the galactic equivalent of a naked car thief hopped up on meth with a passenger seat full of Hustlers and beef jerky.

Anyway, I really enjoyed Super 8 because it was very Spielbergian and also very J. J. Abramsian so there were kids on bikes having adventures and lens flares. I also liked the emphasis on the value of friendship and the healing power of catharsis. Oh, and kids sneaking around avoiding the military to make sure an alien gets home safely. If I was a marooned space alien, I wouldn’t contact any scientists or world leaders. I’d just find some plucky kids who believed in themselves. Sure, I’d have to wear a wig and lipstick and eat some Reese’s Pieces for a while but before you knew it I’d be rocketing off in my spaceship repaired with garbage can lids and Pepsi cola for fuel, naked as a jaybird. Whooosh the end!

Star Trek

I watched Star Trek last weekend on Netflix Instant Streaming. They didn’t have it in HD! For shame, Netflix! Look, I understand that some things are going to be in standard definition. If I’m streaming season one of Mama’s Family, I don’t need every blue hair on Thelma Harper’s head to be in crisp high definition. But Star Trek? That’s like having a machine that makes Dairy Queen Blizzards and serving up McFlurries instead. Turn on that Blizzard machine, Dairy Queen! That having been said, I’ve seen Mama’s Family in 1080p and it’s visually stunning. Just amazing, the detail on her apron and pearl necklace.

Tyler Perry is in this movie but he isn’t dressed like Madea. I wish he was, though. I wish any time someone in Starfleet won a medal or got promoted, Madea had to perform the ceremony. They could say she was resurrected from DNA or she’s a holodeck simulation like when Picard got to match wits with Moriarty and wear a Sherlock Holmes hat. I googled that and it turns out Data was the one wearing the hat. I don’t care that I remembered a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode incorrectly. Oh, I’m Madea! I’m a wise old lady in a dress! Here’s your Star Trek gold medal! Shazam! I clearly have never been to see a Madea film. I’m sorry. Who am I apologizing to? The holographic Madea in the Star Trek future, of course.

Still an amazing movie, though. Leonard Nimoy shows up to play old Spock and meet young Kirk and young Spock. All those Vulcans wearing bowl haircuts. Is that all they have in Vulcan barbershops? Bowls? I guess they always have a place to put their cereal. Well, at least they did until their whole planet got blown up. No, our booooowls!

Winona Ryder is Spock’s mom. She should start a band called Spock’s Mom. You know she’d have to cover “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins.” Leonard Nimoy rolling his eyes in the crowd, thinking, ‘Why did I ever record that shit I hate you Youtube.’

Chris Pine is the Captain Kirk-iest Captain Kirk that ever there was. I bet William Shatner thought he swapped bodies with Chris Pine. Calling him up in the middle of the night, give me my body back! But he had the wrong number and called George Takei instead. Sulu, give me that body back! Well, that’s going to lead to romantic confusion.  Man, I got pictures of all three of those dudes: William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy and George Takei. Take that, people without extensive collections of photographs of Star Trek luminaries.

I bet Zachary Quinto is glad he got the role of Spock because Heroes turned out to be really terrible. Now he can tell everybody he was in one of the best science fiction movies ever made. That’s right. THE BEST. Simon Pegg is even in this thing and when Simon Pegg shows up nerd goosebumps are sure to follow. Speaking of goosebumps, I fed some geese in the park today on my lunchbreak. And there was a bossy duck in the pond who was going QUACK QUACK QUACK! What do you want from me, duck?! I named him Spike because his feathers were all ruffled and they looked like spikes. That’s it for the duck story.

Oh- and the green lady Captain Kirk was making out with looked like She-Hulk. Too bad J.J. Abrams wasn’t like let’s just put She-Hulk in this thing we already got Madea. Apple used a still photo from Star Trek to advertise its iPad and iPod products for a while. Kiss my ass, Apple, this movie is cooler than you. I wrote Steve Jobs an email one time and he never even replied. Booooooooo, Steve Jobs.