Tag Archives: Jedi

Star Trek Into Darkness: Benedict Cumberbatch Gets To Download His Hair And I Don’t Even Get To Live On The Same Planet As The Greatest T-Shirt In The Universe

Star Trek Into Darkness: Benedict Cumberbatch Gets To Download His Hair And I Don’t Even Get To Live On The Same Planet As The Greatest T-Shirt In The Universe

Benedict Cumberbatch sure has nice hair, doesn’t he? What kind of product do you think he uses? You know what’s weird is, at some point, his character had to take a break from being evil to go into a store and buy some hair gel, or paste, or fiber or whatever. Unless they have technology that styles your hair for you in the year 2233. Or better yet, wi-fi connected gels that shape themselves from pre-made templates you can download into your follicles, with ad-supported free versions available, of course.

Is that what the future holds for us? Having our hair advertise to us all day until we pay for premium haircuts?!

For Benedict Cumberbatch, that’s still probably better than sitting in a chair under a barber cape, listening to his stylist talk about her boyfriend’s podcast. Which leads me to wonder, why can’t J.J. Abrams focus on what’s really important?! Benedict Cumberbatch’s Star Trek villain’s hair stylist’s boyfriend’s podcast. It’s mainly about Starfleet merchandise from the early 2200’s, and Star Wars movies. I mean, it stands to reason there are Star Wars films in the Star Trek universe, right? What with them being set in Earth’s future and all. There’s just one crucial difference—Jar Jar Binks is amazing in this Earth’s timeline! He’s like Mal Reynolds, Seinfeld, and Prince all rolled into one toungue-lolling, slightly-racist, Galactic-Senate-delegating Jedi masterpiece.

Which reminds me, this alternate Earth is also home to the greatest T-Shirt every screenprinted in any universe, which is an illustration of a paper Seinfeld mask with the eyeholes cut out, next to electric neon letters that read, “Eatin’ Ass in a Seinfeld Mask.” It might interest you to know that Benedict Cumberbatch is wearing it under his stylish coat, as he plunges the Star Trek universe INTO DARKNESS. In theaters May 17th.

Along With The Rest Of The Max Rebo Band: The Best Ways To Pretend You’re Holding A Lightsaber

Along With The Rest Of The Max Rebo Band: The Best Ways To Pretend You’re Holding A Lightsaber

Of all the ways to pretend you’re holding a lightsaber, waving a long cardboard tube around and making the VRRUMMM noise is generally considered to be the preferred method. Unless you are an actual Jedi. Then you might want to spend money on the real thing. The lightsaber, not the VRRUMMM noise. Talk about putting the cart before the horse. The cart is the VRRUMMM noise, and the horse is the lightsaber. Is that an apt comparison? Could one consider the lightsaber to be pulling the VRRUMMM noise around? Maybe the VRRUMMM noise is the wheels on the cart, and the cart is the lightsaber and the Jedi is the horse. That’s right, impoverished Jedi. You’re the beast of burden in this analogy!