Tag Archives: Jeff Bridges

RIPD: Ryan Reynolds Will Still Eat A Sugar Cube Right Out Of Your Hand, Though

RIPD: Ryan Reynolds Will Still Eat A Sugar Cube Right Out Of Your Hand, Though

ripddepartment1Jeff Bridges pushes Ryan Reynolds off a tall building, then rides him like a wild horse in mid-air! He waves his hat around like a proper cowboy and everything. He looks like one of the mice in The Rescuers riding that big bird around.

Ryan Reynolds does not like it. He’s a person, not a beast of burden! He should let Jeff Bridges know how he feels by posting a YouTube video of “Beast of Burden” on Jeff Bridges’ Facebook wall. And then Jeff Bridges could comment, “You got rode hard and put away wet!” all dismissive of Ryan Reynolds’ feelings.

Crazy Heart

In Crazy Heart, Jeff Bridges’ aging country singer gets “crazy hard” for Maggie Gyllenhaal’s small town newspaper reporter. Bridges plays Bad Blake, an old-ass musician dragging his cowboy-hat-wearing bag of bones from crappy venue to crappy venue, pausing to throw up from drinking and smoking and also to have sex with middle-aged groupies (hey it’s the Sparkle Motion mom from Donnie Darko!) he meets in bars.

Younger, hotter journalist Jean (Gyllenhaal) asks him for an interview, but he demands that she direct all questions to his manager, aka his ancient road-dusted penis. Then they start dating. He’s a drunk, though, so she gets mad at him pretty quick. Stop drinking, you old handsome drunk!

Blake’s protege Tommy Sweet (Colin Farrell) is successful and famous, so Blake is mad about it. Until Tommy offers him a chance to open on his big tour. I have to tip my (cowboy) hat to Colin Farrell, he did a pretty good job playing a country singer. Weird ponytail, though. Put a quiver of arrows on his back and some pointy ears and he could have been cosplaying an elf from Lord of the Rings.

Robert Duvall plays Bad’s old friend and fishing buddy Wayne. If I was into cosplay, I’d cosplay Robert Duvall. You can keep your anime cats and Doctor Who scarves, I’m going to get a short sleeved dress shirt and baseball bat and go to Dragon*Con as Duvall’s Texas preacher “Sonny” from The Apostle. Holy Ghost Power!

Spoiler Alert

Bad Blake loses Jean’s young son in a bar and it costs him the relationship. I mean, that’s all well and good that it got his life back on track but he looked away for a split second and that kid was out of sight. What’s he supposed to do when the boy goes into a back room with no exits and then vanishes? I would have been like, “It ain’t my fault your kid can teleport, lady. Now gimme a kiss.” Is it too late to add another song to the soundtrack?

It aint my fault/your kid can teleport/maybe you should/chain him to a heliport