Tag Archives: Johnny Appleseed

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones

In which Jason and Cristen Conger review the trailer for The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones.

JASON

Well, Cristen—I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is there’s a race of invisible half-human/half-angels running around killing demons on our behalf. The bad news is, they think we’re totally lame. They even call us “mundanes” behind our back. So catty!

In fact, in their TV Guide’s “Cheers & Jeers” section, us humans always get Jeers. I know that your greatest fear has always been that you’d end up in the Jeers column. I hope you can take some comfort from knowing that nobody reads TV Guide anymore, not even the version published by half-angel demon hunters. Also, every month they inexplicably feature Delta Burke on the cover. We get it—she’s half an angel! But the part of her that played Suzanne Sugarbaker was ALL HUMAN.

CRISTEN

I’m bowled over by your insightful connection between TV Guide reviews and the effervescent Ms. Burke because Suzanne Sugarbaker, you see, is fully the human — half-angels aren’t blessed with such voluminous décolletage; it would hamper their flame throwing and demon ass-kicking — embodiment of the Cheer AND the Jeer, the only mortal capable of straddling both ridicule and praise without breaking a sweat. Case in point: Suzanne Sugarbaker didn’t actually go by Suzanne Sugarbaker. Nope, that racially insensitive beauty queen toted around the name Suzanne Sugarbaker Goff Dent Stonecipher acknowledging all three of her failed marriages. She gave not a shit, that Suzanne.

I really wish the Designing Women writers had delved more into the character of Mr. Stonecipher, though. Not that I would ever want the spotlight cast too far away from dear Delta, but with a last name like Stonecipher, I wonder if Suzanne Sugarbaker was last married — and divorced — to some sort of wizard or warlock, not unlike those whom would be hunted down and barbequed to death by a band of Shadowhunters.

And speaking of Shadowhunters, I can’t get that spooky latte art out of my head. That ghoulish face in the cappuccino foam sent shivers down my spine! I tell you what, Jason, if I am ever contacted by half-angels from the other side, it goddamn better be through designs in hot frothed milk. What the hell else could latte art be good for anyway?!

As you can probably tell from my salty language, I get pretty steamed over latte art just like you do. I hope I haven’t hit a nerve by bringing it up.