Tag Archives: joss whedon

Much Ado About Nothing: Shakespeare And Joss Whedon Doing Hand Stuff Together

Much Ado About Nothing: Shakespeare And Joss Whedon Doing Hand Stuff Together

“Buy this hand, I love thee.”

Interesting sales pitch. “Try my product — I love you.” Evidently, the prosthesis market is one of shallow desperation, a bazaar for the needy and limbless.

“Buy this hand, I love thee.”

Hands, here! Git ya hands here! Bona-fide fillers of mittens! Four fingers, a thumb, and a certificate of authenticty! Straight from The Manufacturer! No two alike! Ring-ready! Git ya hands here! Gen-u-ine human digits affixed to a quality palm! Hands for sale! I love you!

“Buy this hand, I love thee.”

I can’t believe this. After all I’ve done for you? After all I’ve done, I’m reduced to this? Begging the woman I love to buy this hand? I’m putting it all on the line right now. If you wanted it, would I not buy it for you? Would I not deliver you everything you could possibly ask of me and more? No, no. Don’t patronize me. I won’t ask again. No. Forget it. Love means nothing to you, I guess.

Obsession. Hatred. Friendship. Love.
Loyalty. Power. Deceit. Truth.
Sex. Dishonesty. Devotion. Deception. 

Hand.

Seriously, buy this hand from me. My back-alley prosthetic hand store is going out of business.

[Ed. Note: Readers will be happy to know I did finally buy a prosthetic hand from Dan Nadolny, but he still refuses to put a ring on it.]

In theaters June 7th.

12/06 In Review: Paper Wasps, Daniel Radcliffe, The Cabin In The Woods, And A Gadget Orchestra

12/06 In Review: Paper Wasps, Daniel Radcliffe, The Cabin In The Woods, And A Gadget Orchestra

New research has revealed that paper wasps can recognize each other’s faces. Researchers found that paper wasps have uniquely evolved to identify each other based on facial recognition. Thanks to this new evolution, paper wasps are looking forward to correctly identifying former high school classmates in amateur paper wasp pornography they find online.

Daniel Radcliffe stars in The Woman in Black, a film about a young lawyer who discovers a woman’s ghost is terrorizing the locals of a remote village by tearing the eyes out of old-timey photographs and moving a rocking chair back and forth. Teenagers who use the same techniques to terrorize their local Cracker Barrel have yet to be confronted by Radcliffe.

Long delayed Joss Whedon-produced The Cabin In The Woods, a film about a group of college kids who spend a weekend at a cabin in the woods that is not what it seems, will finally arrive in theaters next April. The trailer for The Cabin In The Woods includes imagery of a group of white men in a control room, a girl dancing in denim shorts in front of a fireplace and a hawk flying into a force field, which also describes the historic scene at Abraham Lincoln’s log cabin birth.

PICTURED: Abraham Lincoln and Joss Whedon share a knowing look in front of a log cabin.

Japanese company Denso has created a device for your car that monitors your facial muscles to determine if you’re about to fall asleep at the wheel. The device scans seventeen points on the driver’s face to assess drowsiness. Advanced models also scan for pajamas, puffy night caps, and cartoon thought balloons containing logs of wood being sawed.

Finally, tinkerer James Cochrane has programmed an orchestra of gadgets to play House of the Rising Sun.

After performing the popular 1964 hit about a New Orleans brothel, the gadgets were reassembled into a robot sex doll, and made love to.

Party Down | Season Two

Oh, what a surprise. Another awesome beloved cult show has been canceled. I guess the head of programming was too busy inside his refrigerator box fort eating gummy bears and hitting his head with a tree branch over and over to give the show another season. You know what needs to happen is some wealthy playboy needs to make a television network and all it runs are new episodes of canceled shows that have cult followings. Fucking Firefly, Arrested Development, Angel, Party Down, Wonderfalls, Pushing Daisies, The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr., that show about the guy in the Winnebago on the run from his ex-wife with a monkey, Veronica Mars, Dead Like Me, Dollhouse and Andy Richter Controls the Universe. What’s that you say? The actors have all moved on to new shows?

Fill a scarecrow with straw, dress him up like Captain Mal Reynolds, put him on a cardboard spaceship and film that shit. Just for good measure, let’s go down to whatever Quantum Leap convention hotel room Scott Bakula and Dean Stockwell are sharing, bang some pots and pans together until they wake up, kick the naked women out of their bed and make some more episodes of one of the finest time travel shows ever made. Oh really they destroyed the prop you used for Ziggy? Well here’s an iPhone. Now fucking talk to it like it’s in the future. And put on this jumpsuit.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do when I want to see Lizzy Caplan being my idea of a perfect girlfriend (my own perfect girlfriend notwithstanding, of course)? Adam Scott will be fine, he’s on Parks & Recreation now so you know he’ll just get famouser but what about Martin Starr?! Somebody better snatch his awkward ass up for a role in a show that actually pays the bills and doesn’t suck.

My friend Kristina pointed out that it might be Fred Savage’s fault- according to imdb he’s been involved with more than a few canceled shows. So if you ever get into TV, no matter how much you might want his input, don’t let Fred Savage on your project lest you suffer his kiss of death. Also, don’t let him into your house for a regular kiss. Unless you are Winnie Cooper. AND YOU AREN’T.

Anyway, go watch this show on Netflix while you can before it’s not available for instant streaming any more and becomes like the ancient text on the wall of a pharaoh’s pyramid— not available for instant streaming.