Tag Archives: Kathy Bates

Total Recall (1990): Throwing Multiple Mommas From Multiple Trains

Total Recall (1990): Throwing Multiple Mommas From Multiple Trains

In which Jason and Laura Straub of Vouched Books review the 1990 trailer For Total Recall.

JASON

Back in 1993, I was a fifteen year old bag boy at a middle Georgia Bi-Lo. (This was when bag boys were still allowed to receive tips, as tipping had not yet been banned by the bag boy supreme court. You can spot the difference between regular court and bag boy court by the statue of a blindfolded Piggly Wiggly pig in front of the courthouse steps, balancing the fairness of $1.49 Boston Butt Pork Roast against the righteousness of $4.99 Seedless Watermelons.) While I was bagging his groceries, a disheveled man in a Members Only jacket and thick glasses told one of our pregnant cashiers he’d pay her $20 to sit on his face.

First of all, everyone—you can put down your twenty dollar bills. It didn’t work. Believe it or not, the cashier declined the man’s offer of a twenty dollar mustache ride. Which, has this man not seen the novelty T-shirts? His rates are well above the going market rate of FREE.

Second of all, if that dirty old man lived in the world of Total Recall, he wouldn’t know whose face to tell a pregnant cashier to sit on, because apparently everyone’s face is morphing into a different face all the time.

LAURA

My question is: does it hurt when your face morphs? It looks incredibly painful. Also, I’m a big fan of the start of this trailer, i.e: Arnold Schwarzenegger’s head is either a planet or a moon, rotating around this other planet, which has a pyramid so large that it can clearly be seen from outer space. Clearly not earth. It really sets the tone for the film, I think: 1. Worship Arnold 2. This movie is going to be its own kind of psychedelic trip.

I wonder what would have happened to that guy at the supermarket if he WERE in Total Recall and the cashier turned out to be Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character, Douglas Quaid. The DB of a shopper would probably say something like, “Hey sugar-britches, I’ll throw you an Andrew Jackson if you sit on my face.” Then the pregnant clerk you were working with would do that crazy painful Rubix Cube morph and transform into something all ripped and manly aka: Douglas Quaid. Douglas would then say something quippy, as a Douglas is prone to do. In fact, I imagine he’d just pull out a gun and say something like, “Sit on this.” Or Is that how your mother taught you to speak to a lady?

Jason… what would you have done if that had happened?

The Blind Side

Sandra Bullock seems all normal at the beginning of the move. Then she turns around to show her profile and she’s wearing a pair of dark glasses, waving a cane and holding a seeing eye dog. That’s her blind side. People are always sneaking up on her from that direction. Dude stole her purse and everything.

Man, I was sitting down to write the review for The Blind Side and I made coffee in the office and then I came back and it was all gone. I think the other people in the office must have little tiny people living in their shirt pockets that drink coffee, too. Waving little thimbles around. More coffee! More coffee! I hate you little coffee gnomes.

I didn’t think I was going to like The Blind Side but turns out I liked it a lot. Michael Oher is walking around in the rain with one ragged polo shirt and nowhere to sleep and Sandra Bullock says get in my car. Then in an amazing turn of events, not only is he a gentle soul who is pure of heart, but she and her family are all really good people and aside from a couple of minor misgivings they all get along famously, eating delicious dinners in their lavish home. Also, he’s phenomenally talented at football. So they adopt him and he gets courted by old football coaches. Play on our team, enormous young man! I will give you riches, baubles, rubies, golden idols. Well, I guess they aren’t trying to recruit Aladdin to their flying carpet league. But they really tried to win him over. And then football happens.

Kathy Bates apologizes for being a Democrat and Sandra Bullock’s husband says, “Who’d have thought we’d have a black son before we knew a Democrat?” My stars, the South will rise again with saucy Republican dialogue like that! Robert E. Lee just jumped out of his grave and did the cabbage patch. Which was appropriate, given that he was buried in a cabbage patch. Then he watched The Blind Side and said damn even I’m not that white to say some shit like that.

Oh yeah and the high school football coach looks like he should play the Matt-Smith-Doctor-Who’s Gallifreyan father. Sorry, conservative Republican football fans. But that’s what’s up. There’s some nerdy Democrat talk for you to ruminate on. Try not to have a heart attack. Ain’t my fault he’s so skinny and tall and lookin’ like Doctor Who. He needs to check his DNA if he didn’t want to get cast in my imaginary movie about time lords. Hmmm, that sounds like a song.

You need to check your DNA/ Check your DNA/ Girl I had to say/ You Look like Doctor Who/ I know you aren’t a girl/ It sounds better this way

And so on. Blind Side!