Back in 1993, I was a fifteen year old bag boy at a middle Georgia Bi-Lo. (This was when bag boys were still allowed to receive tips, as tipping had not yet been banned by the bag boy supreme court. You can spot the difference between regular court and bag boy court by the statue of a blindfolded Piggly Wiggly pig in front of the courthouse steps, balancing the fairness of $1.49 Boston Butt Pork Roast against the righteousness of $4.99 Seedless Watermelons.) While I was bagging his groceries, a disheveled man in a Members Only jacket and thick glasses told one of our pregnant cashiers he’d pay her $20 to sit on his face.
First of all, everyone—you can put down your twenty dollar bills. It didn’t work. Believe it or not, the cashier declined the man’s offer of a twenty dollar mustache ride. Which, has this man not seen the novelty T-shirts? His rates are well above the going market rate of FREE.
Second of all, if that dirty old man lived in the world of Total Recall, he wouldn’t know whose face to tell a pregnant cashier to sit on, because apparently everyone’s face is morphing into a different face all the time.
My question is: does it hurt when your face morphs? It looks incredibly painful. Also, I’m a big fan of the start of this trailer, i.e: Arnold Schwarzenegger’s head is either a planet or a moon, rotating around this other planet, which has a pyramid so large that it can clearly be seen from outer space. Clearly not earth. It really sets the tone for the film, I think: 1. Worship Arnold 2. This movie is going to be its own kind of psychedelic trip.
I wonder what would have happened to that guy at the supermarket if he WERE in Total Recall and the cashier turned out to be Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character, Douglas Quaid. The DB of a shopper would probably say something like, “Hey sugar-britches, I’ll throw you an Andrew Jackson if you sit on my face.” Then the pregnant clerk you were working with would do that crazy painful Rubix Cube morph and transform into something all ripped and manly aka: Douglas Quaid. Douglas would then say something quippy, as a Douglas is prone to do. In fact, I imagine he’d just pull out a gun and say something like, “Sit on this.” Or Is that how your mother taught you to speak to a lady?
Jason… what would you have done if that had happened?