Okay. Okay. The Kinect. I finally bought one at Best Buy. The Best Buy guy was all, “You need to get the Geek Squad Black Tie Protection Plan because the spring in there can be tricky.” Really, Best Buy? The spring can be tricky? Why are you selling it to me? Let’s fix this tricky spring and then make it available for sale. Also, I got confused because I pictured a spring like in a mattress going BOING and flailing out of the Kinect, maybe with a clown puppet at the end. So I mustered up all the dignity of Patrick Henry delivering his “Give me Liberty, or give me Death!” speech and responded, “I think a product should just work when you buy it. I don’t believe in buying special plans. NO PLANS.”
The Best Buy employee said he knew where I was coming from, paused and then asked, “So…..no on the Black Tie plan?” No, Best Buy. Unless the black tie plan is to rob a casino, absolutely not. But! Now I have a Kinect. I had to rearrange my apartment to make it work. Now I can’t see the morning light coming through my window when I wake up. But I can control my Xbox 360 with my hands. I mean, I could control it with my hands before, but now I can wave at it. Hello, Xbox! Goodbye, light of dawn! Try putting two scoops of raisins in my cereal now, anthropomorphic cartoon sun.
Kinect Adventures features a man whitewater rafting on the cover wearing one regular belt and one crazy belt crossing his lower ribcage and ending in a sassy loop. Joining him on the raft is a woman in purple women’s business attire. Maybe at some point their raft drifted through a JCPenney fashion show. Kinect Adventures is mostly minigames. First I was floating in a room on a space station popping soap bubbles. For all I knew, I was destroying the crew’s oxygen supply. Then I was in a glass cube underwater plugging leaks with my hands and feet while fish rammed their heads against the glass trying to fill the cube with water and drown me. In hindsight, spare breathing or scuba equipment would have been a wise addition to my undersea journey.
After the game was over, Kinect Adventures showed me a bunch of pictures of me in my underwear that the Kinect had taken while I played, like some kind of voyeur HAL 9000. Kinect, I’m flattered. But this is the wrong kind of attention. No man has ever won a girl by slipping her a manila envelope of hidden camera glossy 8×10’s of herself in the shower. Not that I’m the girl in this situation. I’m the guy and you’re the unblinking robot eye that secretly takes photos of me whenever you want and gets off on them maybe.
Anyway, welcome to my home, machine that records my every move. I look forward to petting virtual baby tigers, swinging lightsabers and finding that you’ve uploaded nudes of me to Facebook without me ever having entered my credentials. Good night!